And here is Gonzo the Great to tell us about some of our new programs! Take it away Gonzo.
Thank you very much, Kermit! Let's see, here on Monday we have Murphy Prawn,...
...and the Single Duck in the City and his apartment full of friends...
Rizzo I got one too.
...and for this evening's show right now we have TBA followed by the X-flies...
Ahr...er.. 'x...'xcuse me, but TBA means 'To be Announced', which means...We don't have a show for tonight!
[freaking out] What?! No show?! Oh, no, that's terrible! [resumes "normally" after a pause] Okay, on Saturday we have...
Congratulations, Clifford, you got your own show
[into the phone] Hold on, baby. [to Kermit] My Own show?! I've always wanted to have my own show! Man, this is great! So, so when does it start?
Ooh, in about thirty seconds.
[into the phone] I call you back. Iuh![faints]
[There is no opening act]
Clifford, your problems are solved: I've got an act that's gonna knock your socks off.
Oh, yes, okay. [clears throat] Muppets Tonight is proud to present: François Fromage and his dancing cheeses! Give it up, Give it up!
It better be Gouda! What? Too cheesy?
[Miss Piggy offers her services]
You're really gonna do our show? We', that's great! But, but I thought you were busy doing infomercials.
[repulsed] Infomercials? Hahah, hah, hah, hah: it is to laugh! Moi am a star! I do not stoop so low as to do... infomercials!
RRedshirt
[Turns on tv] Hey, Miss Piggy, They're running one of those infomercials you do not doooo...
[eliminates him] Hahahah, haah.
POMiss Piggy on the Infomercial
And not only do my Pigwig hair extensions make a provocative fashion statement - as - vous - can - plainly - see, but...they are also handy in the kitchen as a lovely pot scrubber. Look! [the pot turns her around really fast] The pot is getting so clean, I can see myself! Whoa, whoa!
[deadpan] Don't laugh, it paid for the beach house.
[Clifford has foolishly agreed to hire Andy and Randy Pig, two nephews of Miss Piggy]
So which one of you fellows are Andy, and which one's Randy?
ARAndy and Randy
This job is too hard!
[Michelle Pfeiffer and Miss Piggy perform The Sound of Music]
MPMichelle Pfeiffer
[to children] I'm going to sing you a song. [to Miss Piggy] In key.
[threateningly] Why, I oughta...
[Prince tries to get by Bobo, the security guard]
Ahuh, and your name, sir?
TTAFKAP
[sideways into the camera] Ah, this is going to be fun! [to Bobo] I'm The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
Oooo, and I am The Bear Currently Known As Not Amused!
[...]
Now, er, how would your name appear on my list here?
TTAFKAP
[shows The Symbol] like this!
Ooh, ok, Dr. Rorschach, I'll play along. I see my mother and a butterfly doing a mambo on an orange.
TTAFKAP
Just check the list, fool!
Pretty mouthy for a guy with no name.
[The crew just performed Delerious for Prince]
TTAFKAP
That's wonderful, but I ain't into the leather and lace look much anymore, guys
GGGonzo the Great
Oh, good, 'cause this bustier is killing me, heheh.
[...]
TTAFKAP
By the way, Gonzo. You are definitely workin' these pumps 'n fishnets.
[Clifford introduces the guest star]
..., an incredible performer, and the most unusual name in show business, right here. [shows The Symbol]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, how many drawings of my mother are out there?
NNarrator
Muppets Tonight presents: The Hardy Pigboys in the Mystery of the Zombiequeen of the Amazon Outerspace Jungle beewoman case... Based on a novel by Jane Austen... Argh, who wrote this?
ARAndy & Randy
Eh, we did! ... Here we are. Andy 'n Randy Hardy Pigboys... Us, junior spaceboy-pigdetectives, marooned on a straaange planet! Because we are here to solve a mys-te-ry!
BSBee Soldier
Zzzzzzzzz! Erm. Who are you?
ARAndy & Randy
This mystery is too hard!
[21 Muppet heights - a soap opera with Johnny Fiama as Clark Barr, Sal as Chaz and Heather Locklear as Diamanda]
CBClark Barr
Well well well, Chaz, what are you doing here? Where is Diamanda? Where is she?
CChaz
She's in the bedroom and she won't come out, Johhny!
CBClark Barr
Mmmm. ... [with teeth tight] It's not Johnny, it's Clark, Chaz!
CBClark Barr
No, no, no, you, you're Chaz, I'm Clark - Clark Barr.
CChaz
Clark bar, mmmmm! Clark bar like the candy?
CBClark Barr
What you talkin' about? It's my na... Oh right, forget about it, just do your lines, Sal!
CChaz
Ok Johhny. I mean Clark - Chaz, I m... Clark. ... er
CBClark Barr
Where was I? Where was I? Oh yes, yes, yes! Ha ha! Oh, I can't believe this, me the most powerful lawyer in 21 Muppet Heights, and you [disbelief is apparent] a successful male supermodel, here we are, both being taken advantage of by Diamanda. Come out, come out, Diamanda, and let the world see the evil side of womanhood!
DDiamanda
Hey guys! Look, I've knitted mittens! For everyone!
