[Statler and Waldorf in the nursing home]
Waldorf Nurse, there's something wrong with this tv!
What's that?
WaldorfIt's on! [both laugh]
Played by Dave Goelz
Muppets Tonight · 85 quotes
Tied for 1st most-quoted character in Muppets Tonight: in 39 of its 85 quotes
Most scenes with: Statler (39), Clifford (2), Gonzo (2)
Scenes with Waldorf 39
Waldorf[Waldorf and Statler watch The Dancing Grandmas]
Woo-Wooh! Look at her shake that thing!
WaldorfAnd what thing is that?
[pause] I don't remember! [both laugh]
Well, I guess you gotta take the bad with the good.
WaldorfYeah, but I'm still waiting for the good! [both laugh]
Boy, watching these grandmas has me feeling something I haven't felt in years.
WaldorfWhat's that?
My pulse! [Both laugh]
[Watching Miss Piggy and Michelle fight]
I told you this show was a bomb! [A cannonball fires onto their nurse] What was that?
WaldorfI think our medication just kicked in!
[They laugh]
Nurse, I'll have some of that!
[They laugh some more]
[Watching a Shakespeare act go awry]
Shakespeare would've hated that.
WaldorfYou should know. You've dated his sister!
[They laugh]
Boy, was she ugly.
[Watching Garth Brooks perform If I Were a Rich Man]
What would you do if you were a rich man?
WaldorfI'd buy the network and cancel this show!
[They laugh]
There's a lot to be said for this program.
WaldorfToo bad you can't say it on a family show.
[They laugh]
[Watching a City Slickers parody]
That bit was breathtaking.
WaldorfCareful! You may not have too many left!
[They laugh]
Nurse! My medication! Get my nitroglycerin!
(A nurse comes in with a bomb and blows up Statler]
WaldorfI'll just have a glass of warm milk.
[Watching Gonzo and Rizzo's Incredible Discoveries]
Hey, I've got an incredible discovery.
WaldorfWhat's that?
When you watch this show...
BBoth
It hurts!
[They laugh]
[Watching The Lunarmooners]
Well, there you go. There's nothing like good comedy.
WaldorfNothing like it on this show!
[They laugh]
[Clifford is introducing the show]
Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has people all over the country saying...
[Cut to Statler and Waldorf]
SWStatler and Waldorf
Where's the remote?!
[Watching a group of rats and cheese performing]
WaldorfYou know, they're calling this show a runaway hit.
Yeah. Whenever it comes on, you'd wanna run away!
[They laugh]
[Watching Kermit and Tony Bennett perform Firefly]
What's the name of that famous song Tony Bennett sings?
Waldorf"I Left My Heart In San Francisco".
Big deal! I left my teeth in Minneapolis!
[They laugh]
[Finishing watching Tony Benett and Johnny Fiama perform)
WaldorfThank goodness the show's almost over.
So, what happened to that blue freak on the missile?
[Gonzo suddenly flies in on a rocket]
WaldorfWhoa! Is he alright?
I don't know. I'll check his bolts.
WaldorfIf he's got one, I'll split it with you.
[They laugh. Gonzo gets back up]
[Dizzy] Did I clear the chickens?
[He falls to the ground again. Statler and Waldorf continue to laugh]
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