Bobo quotes from Muppets Tonight

After we do our number, we take over the studio and make our demands!

Okay!

Bobo

Hey, hey, hey, hey!! What are you guys doing here?

Eh, we're the Rock Lobsters, we're here to do our big Rock Lobster song on the show.

Yeah, and then we're gonna take over the studio!

[to drummer] Sssht, Chatterhead! [to Bobo] He was talking about how, how bears will believe anything you tell 'em.

Bobo

[laughs] You got that right! Ah, have a good day, fellows!

Clifford

Man, that Sandra Bullock is cute, isn't she?

Bobo

Well, I dunno, she's not my type. Not enough fat on her, you know? Yeah, she'll never make it through the winter, that's for sure.

Bobo

[answers the phone] Homicide, how can I help you?

Alright, man. Listen and listen good.

Bobo

Okay.

There's a bomb in your studio.

Bobo

Oh, I know: I read this week's script too. [laughs] Have, have a good day, sir! [puts phone down. The mad bomber tries again]

Don't hang up again!!!

Bobo

Ok, whatever you say, sir:

Now, listen to me, and listen carefully!

Bobo

Ok.

I have something very important to tell you!

Bobo

Oh, ah, eh, Should I write this down?

Yes, it's important!

Bobo

Okay, eh, well, I'm gonna need to put you on hold, sir. I need to find a pencil.

Hey, no! [gets put on hold while listening to the tune of "The Rainbow Connection"] D'oh!

And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie presents Jason Alexander as Hercule Poirot, in Murder on the Disoriented Express.

Help, help! I've been murderized!

Oh, no! Oh, my goodness! Someone has killed Mr. Poodlepants!

[rising] Well, I'm not really hurt, you know. I mean, this is a family show. They wouldn't really-

Bobo

[shutting his mouth] SHHH!!! You're ruining the scene now. Go down, go down. [lowering him down]

Bunsen

Oh dear, it's a murder! What do we do?

There's only one detective who can solve this crime, and he's on board our train, folks! Ladies and gentleman, I present Monsieur Hercules Poirot!

[in his French accent] Everyone, please take your seats. Nobody move! Please be seated. Touch nothing! Sit, sit, sit. And, er, by the way, it is not Hercules, it is Hercule, Mm, mm. Now, I would like to begin my investigation, by asking a few questions.

Bobo

Oh, er, I have a question there, Hercules. Er, are you gonna use your superstrength to lift up the train and shake out the clues?

Now, listen carefully. You are thinking of Hercules, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology. I am Hercule Poirot, a fictional Belgian detective.

But, but how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little waist coat.

I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say. I am not Hercules.

Oh, I get it. He's working under cover.

Bobo

Shht. Don't get him mad! He'll rip up the train tracks and tie 'em around your neck!

[grabbing Bobo's collar] Yes. I might, if I was HercuLES, which I am NOT! Now, if I may proceed with my investigation.

Bunsen

Yes, yes, yes, please everyone, let him proceed with his investigation.

Ah, merci, merci. At last, someone with a little intelligence.

Bunsen

What are you going to do first? Fly around the earth backwards, so you can reverse time and discover who really did it?

[normal voice] Alright, first of all, I am not Hercules. Second of all, you are thinking of Superman, and not Hercules! And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the Earth! I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film.

Jason, please, you're breaking character.

I'm breaking character? You're supposed to be DEAD! [pokes him in the eyes] This clown thinks I'm Superman, and the rest of these chuckleheads think I'm Hercules!! Alright, that's it! I've had it. You people are not professionals. You are not artists! If you want to see what great theater is really all about, watch my finale. In the meantime, I am outta here. WHOA!!! [falls off the train]

I guess he's not as powerful as a locomotive. [honks his horn]

Some broad named Locks, Goldie Locks, she has barricaded herself in the three bears' house, and she got demands.

Detective Bobo

What kinda demands?

They keep changin', sometimes the porridge is too hot, then it's too cold, the bed's too hard, the bed's too soft, you know how it is with dames!

Detective Bobo

[after Goldie Locks hits him on the head with a frying pan] I think this calls for a little undercover work. [Puts on glasses] Yeah.

Clifford

Oh, no, Bobo, she'll never fall for that cheap disguise.

Detective Bobo

We'll see. Yoohoo, miss Locks!

Say, er, you're not the bear that was here before, you're a... completely different bear.

Detective Bobo

That's right!

I'll be right back.

Detective Bobo

[singing] I told you, I told you!

Oh, yoohoo, oh, completely different bear!

Detective Bobo

Yes? [Goldie hits him on the head with a frying pan] Ow, ow, argh!

Clifford

[singing] I told you, I told you, I told you!

[singing to Clifford] I hate men, I hate men, all men should die, death to al men, [to Rizzo the Rat] I hate rats too. [not singing] So what'ya think?

[confessional] Mmmm. What could we do? We had to tell her her song was great. she threatened to read us her poetry!

[singing to Bobo the Bear] Bears are killers, killers of sheep, killers of Bambi, bears should all die. Kill them, kill them. [not singing] So, what'ya think?

Er, it's a little, little, little one-sided.

So, is it because I'm a woman, I'm not supposed to express my opinions?

Oh, oh, no, no, we, er, it's, er, it's easy to dance to.

So, that's more like it.

Oh, good, Well, Will you give me the keys to the fridge now, Darci?

...we worked it out. Like all good roommates we came to a compromise.

[singing to Darci] We hate angry women, who write songs, who hate men,

One, two!

and who were raised by wolves.