[Statler and Waldorf in the nursing home]
Waldorf Nurse, there's something wrong with this tv!
StatlerWhat's that?
It's on! [both laugh]
Played by Jerry Nelson
Muppets Tonight · 85 quotes
Tied for 1st most-quoted character in Muppets Tonight: in 39 of its 85 quotes
Most scenes with: Waldorf (39), Clifford (2), Gonzo (2)
Scenes with Statler 39
Statler[Waldorf and Statler watch The Dancing Grandmas]
StatlerWoo-Wooh! Look at her shake that thing!
And what thing is that?
Statler[pause] I don't remember! [both laugh]
StatlerWell, I guess you gotta take the bad with the good.
Yeah, but I'm still waiting for the good! [both laugh]
StatlerBoy, watching these grandmas has me feeling something I haven't felt in years.
What's that?
StatlerMy pulse! [Both laugh]
[Watching Miss Piggy and Michelle fight]
StatlerI told you this show was a bomb! [A cannonball fires onto their nurse] What was that?
I think our medication just kicked in!
[They laugh]
StatlerNurse, I'll have some of that!
[They laugh some more]
[Watching a Shakespeare act go awry]
StatlerShakespeare would've hated that.
You should know. You've dated his sister!
[They laugh]
StatlerBoy, was she ugly.
[Watching Garth Brooks perform If I Were a Rich Man]
StatlerWhat would you do if you were a rich man?
I'd buy the network and cancel this show!
[They laugh]
StatlerThere's a lot to be said for this program.
Too bad you can't say it on a family show.
[They laugh]
[Watching a City Slickers parody]
StatlerThat bit was breathtaking.
Careful! You may not have too many left!
[They laugh]
StatlerNurse! My medication! Get my nitroglycerin!
(A nurse comes in with a bomb and blows up Statler]
I'll just have a glass of warm milk.
[Watching Gonzo and Rizzo's Incredible Discoveries]
StatlerHey, I've got an incredible discovery.
What's that?
StatlerWhen you watch this show...
BBoth
It hurts!
[They laugh]
[Watching The Lunarmooners]
StatlerWell, there you go. There's nothing like good comedy.
Nothing like it on this show!
[They laugh]
[Clifford is introducing the show]
Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has people all over the country saying...
[Cut to Statler and Waldorf]
SWStatler and Waldorf
Where's the remote?!
[Watching a group of rats and cheese performing]
You know, they're calling this show a runaway hit.
StatlerYeah. Whenever it comes on, you'd wanna run away!
[They laugh]
[Watching Kermit and Tony Bennett perform Firefly]
StatlerWhat's the name of that famous song Tony Bennett sings?
"I Left My Heart In San Francisco".
StatlerBig deal! I left my teeth in Minneapolis!
[They laugh]
[Finishing watching Tony Benett and Johnny Fiama perform)
Thank goodness the show's almost over.
StatlerSo, what happened to that blue freak on the missile?
[Gonzo suddenly flies in on a rocket]
Whoa! Is he alright?
StatlerI don't know. I'll check his bolts.
If he's got one, I'll split it with you.
[They laugh. Gonzo gets back up]
[Dizzy] Did I clear the chickens?
[He falls to the ground again. Statler and Waldorf continue to laugh]
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