TV show quotes
[Monk and Natalie have brought Tommy along as they stake out the Carlyles]
Oh, my God! What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
To protect his head.
It must be so uncomfortable.
Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.
Your parents made you wear a helmet?
No.
[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Oh my gosh, look! He's separating his food!
Me separating food!
[Stottlemeyer and Disher fill Monk and Natalie in on the finger]
We just got your call. You found a body?
Not quite. There is a two year old boy named Tommy Graser-
Uh, not two years. 22 months. Not quite two.
Whatever. Anyway, he was, um, separated from his mother-
No, uh, his guardian. She's not actually his mother. She, uh, runs a foster home. For the record.
For the record, stand over there. [Randy walks a short distance away] Anyway, he was in the playground, and he disappeared for about ten minutes-
Uh 14 minutes. [Under Stottlemeyer's watchful glare, Randy takes a few steps back]
When we found him, the little boy had a severed human finger.
A finger?
A pinkie. It was still bleeding, freshly severed, uh, probably about four hours ago.
Yeah about four hours ago.
I just said that, Randy!
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the crime lab examining the finger]
Are you ready?
It is a left pinkie, belonging to a male Caucasian, about 25 years old. So far, there's no match on the fingerprint. The digit was severed earlier today, we figure around 8:00 AM, with some kind of gardening instrument, like pruning shears.
[disgusted] He cut up a whole body with pruning shears?
Nope, maybe they just cut off the fingers, that way when they dump the body later, there'll be no prints.
[Monk uses a set of tongs to grab the finger and holds it parallel to his left hand]
There's a callus.
That's true, we think he might have played guitar. [Monk holds the finger at an angle to approximate where a guitar-player would place it]
No, not guitar. It's at the wrong angle: he played the violin. [finds some sticky stuff on the finger] There's some residue. It's sticky.
Tree sap. Lumberjack. Missing nine-fingered lumberjack. [starts writing in his notepad]
Who plays the violin.
Should I put a list together?
Absolutely! Make sure you don't run out of paper.
It's not tree sap. We already ran it; the main component is abietic acid.
Abietic acid? It's violin rosin.
I think that's pretty expensive rosin. It's for professionals.
So, professional - or at least, very serious - violinist, 25 years of age, who is missing.
[Randy is at Dr. Oliver Bloom's office]
Well, Mr. Disher. I'm Oliver Bloom. Don't get up, I'm kidding. You're a Lieutenant, right?
Yeah.
I can usually guess within one rank. I see a lot of cops who are on the medical plan.
Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Oh don't worry. We're open late on Tuesdays and Thursdays in case of emergencies. Also to keep Terri here off the streets.
He worries about me.
I do worry about you. You know what I worry about? I worry about this bad boy here, your number 3 molar.
[Randy is placed into anasthesia]
Terri, I'm gonna need that angle director probe.
Angle director probe. [She hands it to Dr. Bloom] Doctor, I think he's coming awake again. [They put the mask back on Randy's mouth to knock him out again. Randy's vision fades to the next moment where he gains consciousness]
Come on, come on. [An intruder bursts into the office and Dr. Bloom and Terri look up]
Hey!
What are you doing here?
What did you do with Barry Bonds? I know he's here somewhere. I know he's here.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Barry Bonds!
Barry Bonds...
We don't know any 'Barry Bonds'!
He's worth $13 million! What did you do to him?!
We have a patient here. [With the intruder getting agitated, Dr. Bloom and Terri attack the intruder with a struggle ensuing]
[Fading back into unconsciousness] Hey, cut it out! [Terri grabs an object and brings it down several times on the intruder] I'm a police officer. [His vision fades] I'm a police officer.... [cuts to Terri and Dr. Bloom standing over Randy]
Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Welcome back.
[Opens his eyes] Are you okay?
Am I okay? Of course I am. Why shouldn't I?
There was a man in here.
She has men in here all the time.
You were fighting.
Oh there was a fight all right, between me and this molar here! It didn't wanna come out! [Jiggles a little container with Randy's tooth] Now there's going to be some sensitivity for a couple days, so I wrote you a prescription that should help with the pain. You need to take one every four hours.
[Randy tells Stottlemeyer about the murder he "witnessed"]
You saw it?
Sort of. I was sedated.
You were sedated? Randy, one time I was under anesthesia, I thought my mustache was a chipmunk!
I was the Green Lantern once. It was great. I didn't want to wake up.
[Determined not to go back to a dentist's office ever again, Monk is flossing in Stottlemeyer's office]
What's he doing?
Flossing. He's determined never to go back to a dentist ever again.
Monk, cut it out. I mean it; this is a floss-free zone.
Since when?
Since right now!
[Randy has quit the force]
You miss him. I can tell.
Look, Natalie, it's not like we were going steady, okay? We worked together. He was just another cop.
That is not true!
You're right. It's not true. He's not just another cop; he was the single most annoying human being to ever wear a badge! [Monk walks by, gargling noisily] Present company excepted.
[Monk is yelling out a window to Natalie who is standing by a dumpster where a dead woman was found]
Who is she?
No I.D.
No idea?
[A little louder] No I.D.
No idea?
[Louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!
...No idea?
No I.D.!
Why don't you check her identification?
NO I.D.!
[Screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!
[After long pause] ...No idea?
[Escobar is being extradited and Stottlemeyer is taking emergency precautions at the courthouse]
Pay attention. I'm only gonna say this once. Escobar's hearing is tomorrow at 12:00 Noon. We lock this joint down tonight at midnight, every exit, every window. 1:00 AM: we sweep for bombs, head to toe. 6:00 AM: I want snipers on this roof and on the roof next door. We arrive at 11:30. 11:40: we meet Lapides at the elevator, we hand him off. From there, he's the bureau's.
Sir, could you repeat that, please?
Yeah, what part?
Uhh, everything after "Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once."
[Stottlemeyer groans in frustration]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher, celebrating the arrest of Escobar, crumple up balls of paper and toss them in the trash. FBI Special Agent Lapides comes in and catches one before it lands in the trash can]
Is this a bad time?
[Taking a bite out of a bagel] It is now. [To Randy] Randy, you remember Special Agent Lapides? [Lapides produces an envelope]
Actually I'm not alone. I'm with the attorney general. Wanna read it?
I don't need to read it. I'm not giving you Escobar. No way, no how.
Leland, this case is bigger than San Francisco. Escobar was supplying drugs to seven states.
Yeah, but we caught him here!
You're damn right we did, and we got him on a homicide, right here in the City of San Francisco. This case represents three years of my life.
Well you have the thanks of a grateful nation, Captain. But the federal indictment's already been filed. We're gonna try him first.
[To himself] Sons-of-bitches.
There's an extradition hearing on Thursday. Here's how it's gonna work: you babysit Escobar until then, you bring him to the courthouse, meet us in the lobby, you drop him off, you go home. [Starts to leave; but then stops, and holds the envelope to his ear] "What's that, sir?" I'll tell him. [To Stottlemeyer] The attorney general says, "Don't screw it up".
[Entering his store, Harold receives a call on his cell phone]
[answering] Yes?
[on the phone] How's it going, Harold?
I'm in, I'm doing it.
Friendly reminder: don't be a hero. When we hear a police siren, Peggy's dead.
Is she okay? Can I talk to her?
Just hurry up!
No let me just talk to her! [Dial hangs up] Hello? [As Dial and his partner Vic Blanchard wait patiently in their Ford Taurus parked out front, Harold unlocks his safe and fills two bags with his most valuable inventory, including emptyig a safe. When he's done, he leaves the store and carries the jewels out to the car]
Backseat. [Harold hands the jewels to Blanchard, sitting in the backseat with the dog]
Let her go! You said you would! [Blanchard hands the dog through the window to Harold]
Pleasure doin' business with you. Thanks for the car, Harold.
[to Peggy] Come here, Peggy. [The mall security guard notices them]
Harold! Everything all right?
Paul? Everything's okay, I'm all right, no problem! [The guard notices that Blanchard and Dial are wearing ski masks]
Get out of the car! Both of you! [draws his gun] Do it! [Dial takes his hands off the steering wheel. After a few moments, Blanchard opens his door]
Okay! [takes off his mask] Happy Halloween, man. Just relax. [Blanchard draws his revolver and shoots the guard dead with three shots at long range]
What did you do?!
No choice! They want me.
We could've just driven off! Get in the car! [Blanchard gets back into the car and closes the door]
[cowering and shielding Peggy] I didn't see any car! I didn't see your face! Neither did Peggy!
I'm not done. [Draws his revolver and points it at Harold]
No! [Blanchard shoots Harold in the chest, and he falls to the ground. Peggy runs off]
[Monk can't concentrate due to a fresh dog mess]
Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.
It's over there.
What?
Dog... you know. Dog... doo.
Did you step in it?
[looks at Natalie like she's crazy] If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I?! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring!
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Marty Eels at his office]
Monk, Monk, sit. Sit anywhere.
Oh that's okay, I'm not fine.
[to Natalie] Did he just say he's not fine?
Yes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
