TV show quotes
[In Daniel Thorn's private elevator, Monk throws a scarf around Natalie's neck.]
What're you doing?
We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!
It's not going to get caught.
W-- Then you be the victim!
N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.
I'm sure she was.
...
We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.
That's an old saying?
I've been saying it for years.
Virtue is not one of my virtues.
So, that means if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you?
Smarter!
[Monk and Natalie have arrived in Las Vegas]
They (the gamblers) look miserable.
They are miserable. You might be the happiest person here.
[Immediately, a woman at a slot machine behind them screams and jumps up and down in joy]
[Monk is trying to help Stottlemeyer remember the events of his hangover]
I talked to someone.
Good! There you go. Who?
It was a man. [Pause] Or a woman.
Ah. Man or a woman. That narrows it down. So--so--so it wasn't a child.
Could have been.
[Monk watches as Stottlemeyer sings karaoke to get information from someone]
[Singing "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers] Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, she's always gone too long..."
[Natalie comes in and sees Stottlemeyer at the mic]
Don't ask.
[Singing] ... anytime she goes away. Wonder this time where she's gone, wonder if she's gone to stay...
Do the dance, you did a little dance.
[Singing] Ain't no sunshine, when she's gone. So, gone too long, anytime she goes away...
Turn around, I wanna see your tush.
[Singing] I know... (7x)
Those are different pants. Where're the jeans? [Stottlemeyer stops singing]
Look, lady, a deal is a deal. I sang the song, now tell me what I said last night.
All you said was, "They don't match."
"They don't match"? What doesn't match?
I don't know, you didn't say.
Wait, wait, wait. Is that it? Is that all you got?
Leland, sing it again. I just love the way you sing.
[Sighs] Thank you.
[He goes over to Monk and Natalie]
You were good.
Shut up.
[Monk refuses to look at the showgirls on stage]
Mr. Monk, they're not naked.
They're naked-ish!
Well, I can't argue with you there. They are naked-ish.
[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack, so Capt. Stottlemeyer sets up protection.]
And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant... [pins "Vote Teeger" button to Randy's lapel] ...thank you for volunteering!
He's my bodyguard?!
I'm still not dropping out.
[Disher tests some lasagna Whitman brought in]
A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
That's what every cook likes to hear.
[while Stottlemeyer and Monk question Harold Krenshaw, Stottlemeyer takes a bite of a coconut donut]
Now you have to eat a sugar one.
Don't want a sugar one.
Then you could take three more coconuts and two chocolate.
Or two coconuts and two glazed.
Or he could just eat all of them. That would be easier.
That's a good idea.
Or, I can do this. [He grabs the box, mashes it, then folds it in half, and pokes a hole in the middle] There. Now there's one donut. One big damn donut.
[Monk walks into Stottlemeyer's office]
[Not looking up from his desk] Don't you ever get tired of being right?
I do feel tired. More fatigued, really. I don't know if it's from being right or-
It was a rhetorical question, Monk. We might be on to something here. [Hands Monk a file] Jack Whitman. He's been sent up twice, first time for mail fraud and receiving stolen property. Lately, he's been importing rugs.
[Monk looks up from the file]
Rugs?
Yeah, rugs, from places like Chechnya, Uzbekistan. Sound familiar?
[Realizing] The shell casing and the grenade.
The Feds think that he's a major arms dealer. They raided his office six months ago. They came up empty-handed: no guns, no nothing, no paper trail. All they could get him on was tax evasion. He did five months. He just got out last Wednesday.
And two days later, he's on a roof taking shots at Natalie.
Then he joins her campaign, and then he tries to take you out?
What do you think he's after?
[Stands up] I'm not gonna find out. Let's go get him.
I can't go. You're on your own. Natalie's waiting for me downstairs. I have to go vote.
Well, that's good. You're doing your civic duty.
There's that. Also, if I don't vote, Natalie will - you know.
I know.
[Monk, Natalie, and Randy have just escaped a grenade blast]
Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
Oh. Yeah.
And then he said, you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? [Monk shrugs] I'm going ask the mayor to give you a medal for what you did, and then I'm going to ask the mayor to take that medal back, because you just had to open that door.
It's a wash, isn't it?
It's a wash.
Captain, that grenade... had Russian markings on it.
Yeah I know, we found a piece of it. It was made in Chechnya. This guy must be very well connected. Whoever he is, you must be making him nervous.
[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]
Where did he find it?
The boy's not talking.
Maybe he hates cops.
Maybe he's two years old.
[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.
Oh. So he's like a person.
[Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]
You mean, you've never changed a diaper?
Hurry!
Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.
Okay, I've got the straps.
Now rip 'em open!
[sound of Velcro ripping]
Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
