[Someone has nearly tried to kill Randy by running him down]
Natalie Teeger: How is he?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Broken arm, broken leg, probably a couple of broken ribs. Suitcase took most of the blow; it could've been much worse.
Natalie Teeger: Can he identify the driver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He can't identify me! I'll check back later. [to Monk] What have you got?
Adrian Monk: Condensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So what, he was waiting for him?
Adrian Monk: From the tire tracks, he must have peeled out at full speed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn? Son-of-a-bitch! [to Natalie] What happened?! He was only here for an hour! Did he piss somebody off?
Adrian Monk: [produces an evidence bag] And we found this, near the gas pedal. It's some kind of green mud.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll get this down to the lab right away.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, it's not your case.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: By hell it's not! [Lieutenant Bristo approaches]

[Sonny Chow's coffin is being exhumed]
Natalie Teeger: Lieutenant, you realize that if Sonny Chow is alive, he's killed at least two people.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah?
Natalie Teeger: You'd have to arrest him.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'd get to meet him.
Natalie Teeger: He might even try to kill you.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so? Wow, that would be so cool! Sonny Chow!
[Cuts to the gravediggers lifting the coffin out of the ground]
Adrian Monk: Captain. How are you feeling?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm a nervous wreck. How'd things go with the Zen master?
Adrian Monk: Well he said Sonny Chow died in his arms. I believe him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. Well at least the press hasn't gotten wind of this, 'cause once they do, it's gonna be like Christmas morning for those vultures.
Natalie Teeger: [examining the monument] Look at that thing!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. His fan club in the Phillippines paid for that!
Adrian Monk: [to the gravediggers] Be--be careful with that! You wanna be careful with that! [One gravedigger, Chris Downey, turns to Monk]
Chris Downey: What did you say?
Adrian Monk: I said you might wanna be careful with that.
Chris Downey: Come on, I've been doing this job since I was eighteen years old! I think I know what I'm doing. I don't come down to your station house and, tell you how to beat a confession out of some kid. [Stottlemeyer eyes and appears to recognize Downey]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do I know you?
Chris Downey: Maybe you do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're Chris Downey. [incredulously] They let you out?
Chris Downey: I did my time. Now I'm doing my job, at least I'm trying to. [swallows some pills from a bottle]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Monk and Natalie] I busted this low-life for assault and armed robbery.
Chris Downey: Got me on the assault. There was no robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right. We never recovered the jewels you stole-
Chris Downey: Allegedly stole, allegedly. I love that word.

[Stephan's girlfriend locks Monk inside the bathroom while he is changing. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.]
Monk: Sharona! Open up! This isn't funny!
[Sharona opens the door. Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper.]
Sharona: What's that?
Monk: It's my will.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Sharona's house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate this.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why don't you stay back, sir? I can handle this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, you can? Since when? [Sharona opens the door]
Sharona Fleming: Hey.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we need to talk.
Sharona Fleming: About what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you know. [They walk into the house, which looks like it has been hit by an earthquake] What happened here? Did you have a party?
Sharona Fleming: It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?
Sharona Fleming: What are you talking about?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're gonna find him. Is he here?
[Randy takes out his gun and begins going from room to room]
Sharona Fleming: Hey, would you put that away?! This is my house!
Lt. Randall Disher: He's killed before.
Sharona Fleming: No he hasn't!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
Lt. Randall Disher: [walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Roger that.
[puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?
Sharona Fleming: Benjy threw up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [incredulously] On the wall?
Sharona Fleming: It was pretty awful.
Lt. Randall Disher: [heads into the kitchen, and opens the closet, which swings open to reveal a stuffed teddy bear] Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! False alarm! False alarm!
[Sharona grabs the teddy bear from Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in and point their guns at Winston Brenner]
Adrian Monk: Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher fill Monk and Natalie in on the finger]
Natalie Teeger: We just got your call. You found a body?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not quite. There is a two year old boy named Tommy Graser-
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, not two years. 22 months. Not quite two.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whatever. Anyway, he was, um, separated from his mother-
Lt. Randall Disher: No, uh, his guardian. She's not actually his mother. She, uh, runs a foster home. For the record.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For the record, stand over there. [Randy walks a short distance away] Anyway, he was in the playground, and he disappeared for about ten minutes-
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh 14 minutes. [Under Stottlemeyer's watchful glare, Randy takes a few steps back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When we found him, the little boy had a severed human finger.
Natalie Teeger: A finger?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A pinkie. It was still bleeding, freshly severed, uh, probably about four hours ago.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah about four hours ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just said that, Randy!

[Stottlemeyer and Disher find Monk and Sharona at the FBI's post]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey! I showed them my ID downstairs. I just got to talk to my friend! What, you reaching for your gun? If you're reaching for your gun, you'd better pull it. Stand aside. [to Monk] Monk. [to Colmes] Colmes! Whaddaya think you're doing?!
Agent Colmes: This is a federal operation, Captain. You have no business being here.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, neither does he! What's going on?
Sharona Fleming: They want Adrian to go undercover in the Lucarelli family. [Randy looks at a surveillance photo of Sharona speaking with Fat Tony outside Salvatore's restaurant]
Lt. Randall Disher: What's up with this picture of you and Fat Tony?
Sharona Fleming: Nothing! And don't call him that!
Lt. Randall Disher: What? Are you defending him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why don't you start by telling them, what happened to the last agent that tried to infiltrate the family? Oh, start by telling them where we found the body buried!
Sharona Fleming: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Buried?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually the parts that they found.
Agent Colmes: Okay, that's a different situation. That agent's cover was blown. Monk's been invited in. They already know that he's a cop.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher find Nikolai Petroff, as he tends to one of the leopards]
Lt. Randall Disher: Nikolai Petroff?
Nikolai Petroff: Who's asking? [Disher flashes his badge]
Lt. Randall Disher: This shiny little piece of metal's asking. Are you Nikolai Petroff?
Nikolai Petroff: Are you trying to scare me, huh? This pussycat weighs a couple of hundred pounds. It could rip me apart in a heartbeat! I ain't scared of her. [laughs] You think I'm scared of you? [Stottlemeyer steps in front of Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. You may not be scared of the Lieutenant, but you've got plenty of reason to be scared of me, 'cause I got a little cage like that downtown. It's not much bigger than that, actually, and it's not a whole lot friendlier, and if you obstruct my investigation, sir, for one moment further, you're going to spend some time in it. What's your name?
Nikolai Petroff: Yeah, okay. I'm Nikolai Petroff. Can we make this fast? I have a show in thirty minutes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're not going to cancel the show after what happened?
Nikolai Petroff: Most people around here are celebrating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really? I take it Sergei wasn't very well-liked?
Nikolai Petroff: Not by me. Well, it's no secret. You're going to find out anyway. Until last week, I was with Ariana.
Lt. Randall Disher: The woman he was with last night.
Nikolai Petroff: To hell with both of them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is it you do around here?
Nikolai Petroff: I'm a wrangler. Anton the Great goes into the cage. I watch his back.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You watch his back, so you've got a gun in case there's a problem.
Nikolai Petroff: That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that gun's a .454 Ruger Casull?
Nikolai Petroff: That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can we see it, please?
[He pulls down the tarp of his case and notice that someone has smashed the lock]
Nikolai Petroff: What happened?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know?
Nikolai Petroff: I swear to God I checked it last night. [He goes for the trunk, but Randy steps in and takes over. He bends down, and with an orchestrated manuever to barely touch the sides to avoid prints, he pops the trunk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, sir, just step back, please. [The spot for the gun is empty. All that is present is an indentation in the shape of a revolver]
Nikolai Petroff: Where is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was hoping you could tell me. Phone it in, get S.I.D. down here right away. You, sir, are going to have to find somebody else to feed your kitty cat. You're coming with me.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a cashier who saw the shooting]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
Young Cashier: I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [pausing] Yeah, I guess it does. [Disher scoots his chair over]
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Young Cashier: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [producing the killer's reciept] Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
Young Cashier: Mm-hmm.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight items at 89 cents.
Young Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars?
Lt. Randall Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "Not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]
Adrian Monk: You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
Ron Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?
Adrian Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
Ron Abrash: What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"

[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]
Monk: Where did he find it?
Stottlemeyer: The boy's not talking.
Monk: Maybe he hates cops.
Stottlemeyer: Maybe he's two years old.

[Stottlemeyer arrives to arrest Dale for the murder, interrupting Dale's video-talk with another girl]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hello, Mr. Biederbeck.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Captain. I really wish you would've called. I'm a little busy at the moment.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm here to arrest you for the murder of Judge Kate Lavinio. [tosses Dale an envelope] That's a warrant. Duly sworn.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [to the girl on TV] Sweetheart, I'm gonna have to call you back. [turns off the monitor] Doctor, will you call Howard Klein and tell him we're suing the city for malicious prosecution��again? [Stottlemeyer motions towards the French doors]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I have hired a local construction company to take out this door. We're gonna get a crane here and lower your fat ass down to the street.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [laughs] A crane? Oh, that's rich. But would you mind explaining to me how I'm supposed to have killed the bitch? I can't leave this room, remember?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Monk!
Dale "the Whale" Biederbeck: Well, my, my, my. [Monk, Sharona, and a uniformed cop enter, carrying two chairs] It's the defective detective once more. Lay it on me, Einstein.
Adrian Monk: These two chairs are from the judge's house. The killer stood on one of them when he turned off the smoke alarm. A girl in the neighborhood saw, quote, a very, very fat man standing on it. But there's something funny about the chair. It's not broken. [refers to the uniform] This is Sergeant Cargill from the 14th Precinct. Sergeant, how much do you weigh?
Sgt. Cargill: 265.
Adrian Monk: Would you mind? [Cargill stands on top of the chair, which breaks under his weight] So, how could a very, very fat man have stood on it? There's only one explanation. He was a fat man, not a heavy man. Lieutenant? [Randy enters wearing Dr. Vezza's empathy suit] I visited your clinic today and borrowed one of your empathy suits. [Randy stands on the other chair, which does not break] Fat, but not heavy. I believe we have another warrant to serve.

[Stottlemeyer comes to the recording studio to arrest Willie Nelson for murder]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Willie Nelson?
Jody Payne - Band Member #1: I'm Willie Nelson.
Bee Spears - Band Member #2: I'm Willie Nelson.
Mickey Raphael - Band Member #3: I'm Willie Nelson.
Willie Nelson: Don't think they're goin' for it, boys.
Lt. Randall Disher: Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross.

[Stottlemeyer et al. confront McDowell about his affair with the murder victim.]
Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.
McDowell: Yes, uh... I really screwed up, big time.
Stottlemeyer: How long have you been "screwing up"?

[Stottlemeyer has been rudely awaken by knocking at the door. Waking up from a hangover, he accidentally shatters a plate]
Stottlemeyer: Where's my pants? Hey Randy, where's my pants?
Disher: You threw them out the window.
Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?
Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.
Stottlemeyer: [takes a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid off. [more pounding at the door] Coming. COMING! Quit with the pounding! [looks through the peephole in the door, then turns to say] Which one of you idiots invited Monk?!