Natalie Teeger quotes from Monk

[After leaving the immaculately clean men's room at the theatre, complete with attendant] I just went to the bathroom.

Natalie

[Astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?

Adrian Monk

It was magical.

View quote →

[Stottlemeyer notices that Randy is not present in Callie Esterhaus's hotel room]

Where the hell is Randy?

Natalie

Oh, I sent him out to get a newspaper.

[In disbelief] You? You, you sent Randy out? Well, who are you, the new police commissioner?

Natalie

The morning edition comes out at midnight! They're gonna review Julie's play!

For the love of god, he's a police lieutenant, not a bellhop! Though maybe he is.

View quote →

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at Winberrie's, questioning a colleague of Callie Esterhaus]

We, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial - J. Does that mean anything? [He starts to write something down in his notebook]

Miranda

Maybe his name began with a J?

Did you just write that down?

I put a question mark after it.

[A few feet away, Natalie is grousing about Hannigan's review of Julie's play]

Natalie

"A corny-cliche filled performance"?! How can he say that?! It's just not true! [Monk walks over]

I thought you threw that out!

Natalie

I bought another one!

Natalie, stop torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review!

Natalie

Look who's talking!

That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I've had years of experience.

Natalie

How can he call her forgettable?! My daughter is not forgettable! [Monk tries to shush Natalie as Stottlemeyer, exasperated, comes over]

Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what homicide case are you working on? Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember that? Natalie, forget the review!

Natalie

He broke my little girl's heart! [Snatches the newspaper from her]

Julie's a tough kid!

Natalie

He called her forgettable!

Well don't just stand here whining about it! Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the critic? His office is five blocks up the street! Go on. [Natalie takes off] Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.

Miranda

Did she know Callie too?

Uh, yeah. She did. [Monk turns when he hears the newspaper vending machine open]

Natalie, what are you- [It's just another man purchasing a newspaper] Where did she go?

View quote →

[Gilson has been brought into the hospital]

Can we talk to him?

Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. So how do you know this guy?

He's-He's my men's room attendant.

Natalie

It was John Hannigan.

Oh no-

Natalie

It had to be him. He worked at the theater.

Teeger, give it a rest! Are you going to blame every crime in California on this man? [Monk looks at Gilson's belongings]

Nicotine gum?

Yeah we already checked, he never smoked. It's probably a gift for somebody else.

[Monk looks at Gilson's wristwatch and its luminescent dial, and notices something]

Wait... don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me, but don't hug me.

Natalie

Why?

You were right about Hannigan, he's the guy.

Natalie

[Hugging Monk] Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

View quote →

[Natalie hands Monk a check to recruit him to investigate]

What's this?

Natalie

A check for $300. I'm hiring you, Mr. Monk. I need your help. I can't do it myself.

Oh, this check's no good.

Natalie

That's sweet of you to say, but...

No, I mean it's literally no good. You can't cover this.

Natalie

Sure I can. I just deposited my paycheck on Wednesday.

Right. But I happen to know that that check is going to bounce. So this check is pretty much worthless.

Natalie

You wrote me a bad check? How could you do that?

I might ask you the same question.

Natalie

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Your check was bad first!

Natalie, there's no right and wrong here. It's all tangled up. One check, another check. It's like the chicken and the egg.

Natalie

No, it's not! There... there's no egg here. There's no egg. This is all chicken!

View quote →

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out what really happened to Martha Murphy]

Whaddaya think, act of God? [Monk nods] So how do you explain the doll?

I can't explain it, yet.

What, you want me to start rounding up witch doctors?

That'd make a hell of a line up. [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher chuckle to themselves, but Natalie is not impressed]

Natalie

You know what? It's not funny! I used to laugh about it, too.

Monk About what?

Natalie

Voodoo. Black magic.

Wait, you don't actually believe in that stuff?

Natalie

Somebody predicted that that poor woman would get hit by a baseball three days before it happened! How would you explain it?

I don't know-

Oh, I've got it. Well she came by here every day. Right? So maybe the killer was waiting, behind that tree with a baseball gun.

Natalie

A baseball gun? There's no such thing!

Yeah, but there are pitching machines.

Natalie

All right, how would your baseball gun killer-

That's a good name for him actually.

Natalie

...how would he know that a home run would be hit at exactly that moment? And what happened to the other baseball? [No response from Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher] It's voodoo, it's real, and it kills people!

Okay, how 'bout this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball... and cracks her own cranium. [Mimics hitting his head with a ball]

Natalie

[Incredulously] With a baseball? She fractured her cranium?

[Matter-of-factly] Yeah.

Natalie

Was she that strong?

MSMonk, Stottlemeyer and Disher

Yeah, she exercised.

Natalie

I think voodoo's looking better and better.

All right, let's be rational! We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything!

Natalie

Except voodoo. [Randy takes a call on his cell phone]

I don't understand! Did some gypsy put a curse on you when you were a child?

Natalie

I don't wanna talk about it!

[On his phone] We'll be right there. [Hangs up]

Randy, what is it?

S8 Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse

There's been another doll.

View quote →

[Jorgenson does a cleansing ritual on Natalie]

RJReverend Jorgensen

Mr. Monk, if you would be so kind as to reattach it's head. Here's some adhesive. [He hands the two materials to Monk as he adds ingredients] Some witchgrass. Some coltsfoot. [He adds Mandrake root] Ah. Mandrake root. Smidgen more. [Adds a little more] All I need now is the doll. [Monk continues trying to get the doll's head centered]

Okay, one second.

RJReverend Jorgensen

It doesn't have to be perfect.

Almost done.

RJReverend Jorgensen

It's symbolic, really.

There we go.

RJReverend Jorgensen

The forces of darkness are gathering.

Hold on.

RJReverend Jorgensen

It doesn't have to be perfect!

Wait a second.

RJReverend Jorgensen

It doesn't have to be perfect.

One second, almost done.

RJReverend Jorgensen

Doesn't...

Wait one second.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, please, just let him finish!

S8 Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse

Hold on...

RJReverend Jorgensen

She's suffering, Mr. Monk! It doesn't have to be... okay, that's close enough. [Grabs the doll from Monk]

View quote →

[Natalie accidentally drinks the potion]

RJReverend Jorgensen

What did you do?!?

Natalie

What?

RJReverend Jorgensen

Did you drink that?

Natalie

Yeah, you said it was ready.

RJReverend Jorgensen

You're supposed to rub it on your neck. What, are you mental?

What do we do?

RJReverend Jorgensen

What? 911. 911! 911!

S8 Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse

Another chant?

RJReverend Jorgensen

No! Call 911!

View quote →

Could be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.

Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.

That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.

So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?

What do you think the opposite of a spider?

I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.

Hmm, tell that to the Opposite Killer.

Natalie

Are you crying?

S8 Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy

No, I have allergies.

View quote →

[Natalie finds an important letter from Monk's HMO]

Natalie

Uh-oh.

What is it?

Natalie

It's from your HMO.

Oh. Don't open that.

Natalie

It says "important."

All the more reason--just throw it out.

Natalie

Maybe it's good news.

S8 Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy

Yeah, good news from my HMO. What do you think--I won a free colonscopy?

View quote →

Why did the captain want to see me again?

Natalie

I told you. It's a double homicide in Marin County.

You said triple homicide.

Natalie

I don't think so.

You said "triple". All right. What happened, did someone get better?

S8 Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk

View quote →

Natalie

I am not giving up, Mr. Monk. You are officially on notice. I am throwing you a party.

As a matter of fact, you are not.

Natalie

Oh, yes I am. We're going to have balloons and cake and dancing!

Oh, for the love of God, why?

Natalie

Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday, and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.

You are so cruel.

[They see a small sheet on a stretcher covering what remains of Bradley Foster]

Natalie

Oh my God! Where's the rest of him? [Stottlemeyer and some other cops come up from beneath the compactor]

That's all there is [of him].

Natalie

But he's all... squished!

His name was Bradley Foster; he was the maintenance man. Apparently he fell into the trash compactor.