I am not giving up, Mr. Monk. You are officially on notice. I am throwing you a party.
MonkAs a matter of fact, you are not.
Oh, yes I am. We're going to have balloons and cake and dancing!
Monk
Oh, for the love of God, why?
Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday, and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.
Monk
You are so cruel.
[They see a small sheet on a stretcher covering what remains of Bradley Foster]
Oh my God! Where's the rest of him? [Stottlemeyer and some other cops come up from beneath the compactor]
That's all there is [of him].
But he's all... squished!
His name was Bradley Foster; he was the maintenance man. Apparently he fell into the trash compactor.
We've sent a guy to check the parking lot for his car.
I'd look for a compact. [The other cops burst out laughing]
UCUniformed Cop #2
Hey did you see what he was wearing? Those aren't briefs; they're more like boxers! [More laughter]
[The team is searching Bradley Foster's apartment]
Excuse me, but do I have to remind both of you that two nights ago the guy who lived here got torn apart in a trash compactor?
I bet he was "surprised"!
[To Monk] I know she's been trying to throw you a party, and, um, she's going to. Oh, she's gonna get you.
But this is a murder victim's place of residence. Do you honestly think she would do it here?
Monk
No. No, I don't. And that is precisely why I do. And because I do, I don't. So yes, I do.
[Monk and Natalie are being followed by a Cadillac Escalade]
Monk
We're being followed.
Oh my God. Oh my God. What do I do? [The car phone rings; Stottlemeyer's name appears on the display] It's the Captain. [They answer]
Monk
Yes.
Monk
Yes.
Okay, stay calm. We just got word that someone put out a $20,000 contract on your life.
Monk
A contract?
On both of us, or just him?
[Monk and Natalie are being chased at a construction site and have to hide]
[Sees an empty trash dumpster] The dumpster. The dumpster.
Monk
Uh, I can't.
[Spots a portable toilet] The port-a-john.
Monk
Have we met?!
Mr. Monk, you have to choose.
Monk
I choose death!
[Stottlemeyer warns Monk about how working with both Natalie and Sharona is dangerous]
You're gonna have a breakdown. I love Natalie. And I love Sharona, too. They're both wonderful women. You got lucky twice. But together, they're like bourbon and vodka: I love them both, but I can't have them at the same meal because they don't mix. These women are so different, Monk. They're going to tear you apart like a piece of saltwater taffy.
Monk
I know, I've been a piece of taffy all day. Natalie's been acting like Mary, Queen of Scots. She wants more money. I mean, she won't lay down in the dirt when I ask her. I'm losing her.
And it's only gonna get worse.
[Monk, Natalie and Sharona try to argue as to the best way up to Perry Walsh's ninth floor apartment. Natalie wants to take the stairs and Sharona wants to take the elevator]
How about this? It's the ninth floor, right? [Bangs on the elevator call button] Let's take the elevator up to four and then walk up five flights!
Monk
Yeah, that sounds fair.
Or we take the elevator up to level five and walk up four flights!
Monk
Can't argue with that.
You treat him like a child!
I did not say he's a child! I said you're treating him like a child!
Oh, I'm being supportive!
No, you're not being supportive! You're enabling him- [Monk, pacing back and forth, interrupts]
Monk
Okay, here's what we're gonna do: we're going to take the elevator up to 18 and walk down nine flights. That way everybody's miserable. [Cuts to Carolyn Walsh opening the door to find Monk, Natalie and Sharona sweating and almost out of breath]
[As Monk, Natalie and Sharona travel across the golf course to find Perry Walsh, Sharona can't help but notice that Natalie always refers to Monk as "Mr. Monk"]
Do you mind if she calls you Adrian?
Monk
Of course not. Why would I mind?
Monk
Yeah, see I don't like it either.
[At Natalie's family reunion picnic]
AMAnne Marie
Are you my uncle?
Monk
No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.
AMAnne Marie
Really? Do you know her other boss? The crazy one?
Monk
...Yes. [Referring to himself] I've met him once or twice.
[DeWitt has nearly tried to kill Shelby and Monk is telling Stottlemeyer about this]
Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
Monk
How?
Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.
You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.
Monk
[About Shelby] This dog is really, really smart. I've been teaching her tricks.
Monk
Oh, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.
It's not too late to back out.
Monk
Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.
Well, at least try to have some fun.
Monk
Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.
Monk
I don't know how you do it.
Monk
How you take it. People joke around, tease you, you never get mad or upset.
Mmm, it used to bother me when I was coming up in uniform. I heard people laughing, telling Randy Disher stories. And it hurt, you know? I almost quit.
Monk
What happened?
One night I got a call - a P-300 downtown. There was a bumper sticker on one of the cars, and it said, "Happiness is a choice." I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it changed my life. I mean, I made a decision right there. I chose to be happy. I mean, I really believe that. I mean, you have the power. You can choose to be happy.
Monk
I guess I should read more bumper stickers.
[Yawning] Everybody should. Okay, it's late. I'm gonna to go sack out.
Monk
Yeah, good night.
Monk
Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?
Yeah, it was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor-trailer head on. He and his wife were both DOA [Dead on arrival]
Monk
And this was the car that had the bumper sticker, "Happiness is a choice"?
Yeah, that's right. Well, actually, it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.
Monk
And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?
[Shrugs] It was an epiphany, Monk. You can't just choose where you get it. I mean it could come from a guru on a mountaintop, or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.
[Monk is holding Leland's bachelor party at his apartment]
Monk
Okay, does everybody have pizza?
FCFirst Cop
Uh, there's nothing on it. [The pizzas have been ordered "extra plain," with absolutely no cheese or sauce on them!]
Monk
I know! I ordered plain.
FCFirst Cop
Not even cheese?
Monk
I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. [Puts an apple juice container on top of a coaster] All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everyone gets one, I put your names at the top.
[In the hallway, another cop heads to the bathroom. He opens the bathroom door, only to discover that the bathroom space has been taken up by a port-a-potty]
SCSecond Cop
Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom!
Monk
Where do you want me to put it, Mike? In the kitchen?
Monk · 667 quotes
