Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Monk

All right, I would like to say a few words about our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Thank you, thank you very much.

Monk

[Reads from a notecard] And it goes like this: "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." There's more, there's more. "The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco, who was later convicted of first-degree murder?'" Wait, wait. "And then Leland says, 'That's right.' And then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster! And you wanna get married again? You're crazy! No wonder you have a duck on your head!'" And Leland says-

Capt. Stottlemeyer

And Leland says, "I need a drink!" [He gets much applause from the other cops]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Stephanie! Do you have a minute?

Actually, Leland, I'm a little busy right now. Can it wait?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No. It really can't.

Monk

You say you've known T.K. for twelve years?

Yeah.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Where were you before that? You never said.

Monk

Who were you before that? [Stottlemeyer starts to advance on Stephanie]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You ever heard of a group called the Earth Avengers?

What are you talking about?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Martin Kettering. Was he a friend of yours?

Leland, I know that you've been through a hard week, but-

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Here's what I know: I know that we're going back inside. We have a few things to talk about.

Okay not today, Leland.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I'll bet you a week's pay that that's a .9 millimeter.

Monk

That's the gun you killed Martin Kettering with.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

What was it doing with my tuxedo?

Monk

That's what this whole thing has been about. You were in that group with Martin Kettering, and you've been a fugitive for 12 years.

Just shut up.

Monk

I already started. It's very hard for me to stop.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's true, you have to let him finish. Go ahead.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Just go home. We have nothing more to say, just go home.

Monk

He doesn't wanna talk to you any more. He hates your... guts.

All I wanted to say is, I love you. I'm not leaving you again. [Stephanie produces the gun and points it at T.K.]

In that case, you're coming with us. Get in the car, T.K! [T.K. gasps, shocked at what Stephanie's true nature]

Monk

Not in the front, though, 'cause I'm-

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[To T.K.] Don't worry. It's not loaded.

Oh, it's not, huh? [She fires a live round into the air, but fails to see the slide lock back]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's empty now. [Produces the gun's magazine] Here's your clip. You had one in the chamber. You're under arrest; turn around. [He shoves her into the side of her car]

Ow! That hurt!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Good. [He handcuffs her, and hands her off to Monk, who leads her away. Stottlemeyer turns to T.K.] Are you gonna marry me or not?

Absolutely.

Monk

You polished the bullets.

Natalie

Yeah, you don't want to shoot anybody with a dirty bullet.

Monk

Yeah, they might get a infection. God, we're funny together.

Natalie

We are.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk is back. Back where he belongs. [Monk stands up and reads from a notecard]

Monk

Seventy years ago, Thomas Wolf wrote, "You can't go home again..."

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Monk, you don't have to say anything.

Monk

Thank God. [Sits down]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Okay, our first order of business is the Pick Axe Killer.

Lt. Disher

The Gold Rush Killer.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.

Lt. Disher

But they used pickaxes.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer! Okay?

Lt. Disher

Yes, sir.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

We're moving on. Now, I don't have to tell you how important this case is but we have caught a break. We have a witness - a woman who lived down the hall from victim #5 has given us a description of the killer.

Now that, gentleman, is what you call a real woman.

No doubt about it.

Monk

You can tell. No Adam's apple.

Nice work, detective.

Monk

Former detective.

Former former detective.

Monk

Former former former detective.

Now, you're going to feel normal for a while and then there's gonna be some vomiting, followed by death.

Monk

[In disbelief] Vomiting?

Followed by death.

Monk

[Still in shock] Vomiting?

And then death.

Monk

Is there any chance death could come before the vomiting?

Judge Ethan Rickover

You're going to kill a federal judge?

Monk

Tonight, I'm the judge.

Natalie

What are you doing?

Monk

Just checking to make sure the stove is off.

Natalie

Good thinking. You wouldn't want to go all the way across town with your stove on.

Monk

I know. That actually happened to me a few years ago...