Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Natalie

Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.

Lt. Disher

There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.

Monk

Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?

Lt. Disher

My crazy theories, like what?

Natalie

Like me being in love with you?

Lt. Disher

Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?

Natalie

Too close to call.

Monk

[Pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I don't feel like it.

Monk

I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.

Who is that?

Monk

I'm with the FBI [Pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [Pause] screen.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...

Monk

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

He is not a federal agent.

Monk

Yes, he, I am.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless EVERYBODY ELSE IS AS MISERABLE AS HE IS!

Monk

Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.

How, how?

Monk

How?! We're the FBI, that's how!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!

Monk

And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [Looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [Takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!

Monk

Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty. [He and Natalie walk away]

Monk

[About Natalie's motorcycle] Where did you get that?

Natalie

From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.

Monk

What kind of favor?

Natalie

Do you really want to know?

Monk

No.

Natalie

[About Julie's new relationship] Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?

Monk

What? [Monk is standing on a chair and unscrewing the cover for an air vent]

Natalie

Please! I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!

Monk

[Looks around desperately] What about him? [Points at Mr. Morissey]

Natalie

Mr. Morrisey?

Monk

Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.

What is it?

Monk

It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?

So he had another gun.

Monk

But there's-there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun. [He puts the gun back] I don't think he had another gun. [Natalie stands on another chair to be at the same height as Monk]

Natalie

Mr. Monk, this is important to me! Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!

Monk

Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...

Natalie

That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.

Monk

Huh?

Natalie

...In this particular case.

Monk

[Loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk. [Edges toward the door] This is the end of the talk...

Julie Teeger

Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?

Monk

[Whispering] What are you doing?

Julie Teeger

No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?

Monk

Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand? [Julie starts to cry, Monk continues, still whispering] No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [Louder] What you're feeling is perfectly normal! [Whispering] What you're feeling is probably normal.

Julie Teeger

It's just... how did you know?

Monk

All right... [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."

Julie Teeger

Was it wonderful?

Monk

Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...

Julie Teeger

Until I find Trudy?

Monk

Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.

Lt. Disher

[Reading from his notebook] Okay. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.

Natalie

Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?

Monk

Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Maybe...

[From the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Wryly] Thank you.

Anytime.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.

Lt. Disher

Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.

That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

She's right. Doesn't mean anything.

Lt. Disher

Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.

Natalie

Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [Pause, then everyone turns to Rita]

Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.

Monk

What chocolate cake?! Who are you?

Lt. Disher

This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.

Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook.

Monk

That's true but if you look at the picture, the big picture, I mean, it's plain as day! He's the guy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Was the wife insured?

Monk

No.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

So where's your motive?

Wake up! [Scoots her chair over] You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.

Monk

He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.

You're cute.

Monk

No, I'm not.

You ever unbutton that top button?

Monk

Uhh...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their records - their bank records, their emails, their phone records. We talked to their friends - There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.

Monk

Look, I know I've seen them someplace.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Where?

Monk

I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well, they lived in different worlds. [Hands them one file] Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions: bad checks, drugs; a couple of burglaries. [Hands over another file] And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest - one in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.

Natalie

Wait! What are you doing? [Monk is pouring some ashes from one urn into another]

Monk

It's not even.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, those are people! Maybe they weren't the same size!

Monk

Well they are now!

Monk

Mineral. It's a mineral.

[Pause] Is it gravel?

Monk

[Crying] Yes, it's gravel. Gravel! It's gravel! It's everywhere!

Natalie Teeger

Mr. Monk, I'm kinda of choosey about who I make out with.

Adrian Monk

What? You made out with a leper!

Natalie Teeger

That's different. You sent him to prison, why don't you make out with him?

Natalie Teeger

Mr. Monk, I don't think he wants your help.

Adrian Monk

How do you know?

Natalie Teeger

Well, the "curl up and die" thing was kind of a hint.

Adrian Monk

[Handing Max a box] All right, Max, this is for you... Ah, it's... it's a little something.

Yeah? Fourteen years of my life in there.

Adrian Monk

No, just mostly caramels.

Natalie Teeger

Pretzel.

Adrian Monk

And a chocolate pretzel.

Monk

Let's go.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Should we take my car or your invisible plane?

Lt. Disher

That's Wonder Woman.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?

Monk

Oh, I hate Christmas.

Julie Teeger

How can you not like Christmas?

Monk

Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.

Julie Teeger

But it's so joyful!

Monk

Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [Honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!

Monk

[Trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.

Natalie

I'm sure you can.

Dr. Charles Kroger

So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?

Monk

Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.

Dr. Charles Kroger

Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.

Monk

Pick a year.

Dr. Charles Kroger

Uh... 1964.

Monk

1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.

Dr. Charles Kroger

[Being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...

Monk

Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.