Jay Pritchett quotes from Modern Family

Jay

[to Manny and Luke] Boys, here's the only thing you need to know about being a man. Never let someone take what is yours.

Phil

Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others.

Jay

That's sweet, Phil. You gotta write that down. You got any lipstick in your purse?

Gloria

[to Jay and Manny, about learning to ride a bike] You two have fun. I pass. It makes no sense. There's no reason that thing should stay upright.

Jay

There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Claire

So where is she? Where's Mom?

Jay

Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.

Mitchell

[to Claire] I thought she was coming with you.

Claire

Oh no no, I haven't seen Mom since, let's see....oh! she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night!

Jay

What!?!

Mitchell

No my god!!

Claire

Yeah, yeah. And then, she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep and then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie!"

Jay

What the hell is she doing, he's half her age!

Jay

Don't say it.

Gloria

[slurringly] I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful, it has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be...that is the question.

Claire

Dad, what's going on over there?

Jay

She was a little nervous about your mother being here, so she tried her first Xanax and washed it down with a shot of tequila.

Jay

Buddy, don't close yourself off from new things. Have I told you the story about me and crab cakes? Thought I didn't like them, tried them, loved them.

Manny

Wow! Are the movie rights available for that one?

Jay

Honey, I love you, but you have to learn to say no to people.

Gloria

All right. Ask me if you can go golfing.

Jay

Other people.

Last year, 4 billion dollars was spent on dog training.

Jay

That's not true.

I know; I was just as surprised as you are.

Jay

Yeah; you were surprised because it's not true.

So what is this multi-billion dollar industry missing?

Jay

Multi-billion dollars.

Manny

Excuse me, would you like some Christmas wrapping paper?

Actually, I'm Jewish.

Manny

Then you must appreciate a good value.

Jay

Oy vey.

Phil

I really need to talk to you.

Jay

You really don't.

Phil

Jay, please. It's about work. I got a text during your massage. I've been offered a partnership in a new agency.

Jay

[relieved] Oh. Good for you!

Phil

Well, I'm not so sure. I mean, there's... there's a big upside, but I have a stable job right now. I have three kids, and at least one of 'em's going to college. Worse case scenario, they all go.

Gloria

[Yelling on the phone in Spanish] Yes! Auntie! Yes! You're 73 years old, not 20! Of course, but I'm in the United States so kill yourself! Kill yourself, because I don't care!

Gloria

Ok, yes! I love you! Muah! Muah! Muah!

Manny

I understood "crazy old witch," "go kill yourself," then "I love you."

Jay

I'll never get this; how you all yell at each other.

Gloria

That's how you know that your family loves you, when they feel free to scream at you.