[Mets future pirate man at bar] You all right? [At table with him] Can I tell you a secret? You know these powers? Well, I'm a fucking rocket scientist.
PFPirate fetish man
Me too! I mean, I've got a power. I got it off this guy from the estate. I'm gonna travel back in time.
PFPirate fetish man
Seriously. I am done working in a call centre. I want excitement and adventures. I'm gonna travel back in time... and become a pirate.
I've always wanted to shag a pirate.
FPFuture pirate man
[Walking with Kelly in alley and comes across Seth standing before them] What's this? What's going on?
I was lying about shagging a pirate. Seriously. Who would fuck a pirate?!
PFPirate fetish man
They get laid all the time.
SethYou know that power I sold you? Turns out I'm going to need it back.
PFPirate fetish man
You can't have it. I paid for it. [Attempts to walk away and turns to Simon]
So, you all set? In the past, I could touch Alisha. The power didn't work on me.
Seth
It was you.
Seth
The first power I ever sold was the immunity from other people's powers. You came to see me. I knew I recognized you. I sold it to you. And you gave me ten grand. Now, you need to come and see me after you go back.
Seth
I do.
You're gonna give him ten grand?
Seth
Yeah, well, he's gonna give it me back, so... I guess it's a loan.
Seth
Can I help you with something?
Seth
Well, what sort of thing are you after?
I want the immunity to other people's powers.
Seth
How do you know what? I just bought that exact power. How do you even know about me?
A friend told me to come and see you.
Seth
You got money? That should cover it. So, what are you going to do with it?
I'm going to make a girl fall in love with me.
Seth
Right, so, hang on...
[Hands Finn and Jess drinks] I'm going to level with you. Hmm? So prepare to be shocked, huh? Surprised... and more than a little bit amazed. For I am not, in fact, your probation worker. Pfft!
Really? No shit? You should think about becoming an actor.
I know! I know. I know. Just check this out. The truth is, like you. I am also on community service. It all started yesterday. [Hallway scene with voiceover] There we were, we were all gathered around the vending machine after another arse-numbingly boring day.
Seth
Our mate Seth had just come back from Africa and he had quite a story to tell. so we end up traveling to Uganda. And we're in this village and some kid wanders into a minefield, ends up standing on a mine. If he moves, he's dead. Kelly marches over, does her rocket science thing and defuses the mine.
Kelly? She defused a mine?
The villagers love her out there, man. They're all singing and dancing... Nachos... or a Twix? Sweet and savoury, it's man's eternal dilemma. So, anyway, I'm just back to get our stuff. Kelly's fucking off her community service. We're going to stay out there and... defuse landmines. She's not coming back.
Seth
Kelly.
What?! She's not coming...? When was this decided? Do we not...? I mean, do we get a say in any...? I am shocked and I am reeling. I'm going to get some chocolate because I'm very upset. [Michael bursts in front doors bleeding and limping holding briefcase]
Dude? You all right, mate?
They're all after it. It's my money...
Seth
So this money he's talking about must be in the briefcase.
It's got a combination lock.
Can we not just get a bloody big hammer and a chisel, bust it open?
If you open it without the combination, it activates one of these dye-pack things. It stains the money. It's unusable.
Since when did you become such a bloody expert?
I watch a lot of heist movies.
I can't get into them. There's too many twists and turns. I like a nice, straightforward Western. There must be a key for those handcuffs. [They all frantically search man for key and man groans]
Shut up. [They do not find a key]
I've got a brilliant idea. Why don't you two go home, hmm? Kick back, just chill out. I'll selflessly stay here. I'm gonna take care of our injured friend. Just call me Nurse Rudy. [Chuckles]
He's a big guy. If he needs a crap, it'll take two of us to take him to the toilet. Why don't I stay here and give you a hand?
Really? It's cool. I'll just let him shit his pants.
Seth
I was trained by St. John's fuckin' Ambulance so, if anyone's staying, I should stay.
Well, that settles it, then. It's a sleepover, isn't it?
[Rudy, Seth and Curtis are all lying in cots in the recreation centre atrium]
[Seth is unsettled] Excalibur... stop making me do things... that I don't want to do. Ohh! Goodness me.
Seth
[Shines flashlight at Rudy] Are you knocking one out?
No. It's just a quick cheeky one, get me to sleep. I have to feed the monster, man. Tell him.
It's a sedative, innit? Just hurry up and finish, man.
[Walks into store room and finds Michael's body with his left hand dismemebered] Where's the briefcase? Which one of you fuckers took the case?!
Seth
I don't know anything about it. How do we know you didn't take the case?
'Cause I know what I did and didn't do, and I know I didn't take the case. [Spots Rudy pointing at him and grabs him by shirt] It was you, wasn't it?!
So, you think I've crept in here in the middle of the night while you were sleeping and I've cut his hand off with a hacksaw?
I think that's exactly what you did.
Do you? All right, then, genius. If I took the case, then why am I still here? [Turns head to Curtis] Sorry, what?! What was that?! [Taps Curtis forehead] Not as clever as you think, are you? Smackdown!
You're still here because you need the combination to the briefcase, and this guy is the only one who has it!
All right, yeah, that's a good point.
Seth
So, whoever did take the case is probably close by waiting for Stumpy to regain consciousness.
We need to search the community centre.
Oh, you beat me to it. I was just about to say that.
So, having gone to investigate the mysterious noise, I returned to the room... only to find... that the case had vanished. So, I go back to sleep... well, I slipped in a cheeky little sunrise wank, and then I acted all dumb, yeah? Innocent. And do you know what? You were right, mate. It wasn't me and Curtis having a little chat by the vending machine. It was me and Seth. [Scene becomes hallway] It was Curtis. He's the one who took the case, isn't he?
Seth
Why do you say that?
I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He is sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about your girlfriend behind her back. It's all this. [Mimics Curtis] Her mouth is so massive, the only way you can shut her up is to wedge one of her tits in there, innit?
Seth
He said that about Kelly?
Seth
Two-faced bastard. So, what are you saying?
I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [Scene becomes office] How sneaky am I, eh? Shame on me. See, I think Curtis was in cahoots... "Cahoots" is a great word. I think Curtis was in cahoots with two other people, who just so happen to conveniently turn up at the community centre this morning wearing their orange jumpsuits, claiming they're on community service. Can you see where I'm going with all this?
You lost me at "cahoots".
Unbelievable. He's spiked our drinks. No! [Drops glass on floor]
Let's not beat ourselves up about it. I mean, I have... I've bamboozled you with me devious cunning, for I have been spinning you a yarn this whole time, just waiting for the drugs to kick in, which should be right about now-ish. [Finn sits on couch and Jess sits in chair] Easy. Go with it. Just let it wash over you. It's like a gentle autumn breeze. [Jess keels over and Rudy sits on couch besides Finn, puts arm on his shoulders] Ooh... Eh? Sleepy-time for Bobos. [Kisses him on head]
Seth
I've done both bollocks, a couple of fingers and his bell-end.
Seth
He said "ouch" and "fuck you".
So, what do we do with him?
Seth
Put him on ice until he's ready to talk.
Is it just me, or is it reminding you of the end of Titanic?
I'm going to die in a freezer on my first day of community service. I thought I'd have kids, grow old and ugly. I'd die in my sleep with all my family around me.
I always thought I'd die in a car crash. A silver Mercedes 300 SL Gullwing. I'm off me head on prescription painkillers. Just finished getting sucked off by Angelina Jolie. I open me eyes and bang! I hit a tree, a big fuck-off oak tree, on top of a hill, looking out at the sea. Angelina lives, but she's horribly disfigured. Sadie?
Me dog. If I die, who's going to feed me dog? Are you dying?
I... I really need a wee. I have a small bladder.
Don't mind me, if you want to...
I'm not going to piss myself in front of you.
What if we piss ourselves in front of each other? There's no shame in that. Do you want to freestyle or do you want to synchronize? On the count of three?
Oh, this can't be happening.
Are you pissing in your pants or are you getting it out?
I'll be pissing in my pants.
Okay! I'm going to just... There he is. All right? Here we go. On three...
Will you please just shut the fuck up and let me piss myself?
I really hope you don't need a shit. [Rudy and Seth open freezer door and dump in Michael]
What are you doing?! We don't know anything about any briefcase!
We just want to go home and watch Countdown! I've got a dog!
We're going to die in here.
Seth
What if they really are two innocent young offenders who just showed up here this morning to do their community service?
I believe you'll find there's no such thing as an innocent young offender, is there?
Misfits · 556 quotes
