William Murderface quotes from Metalocalypse

So I took a music management course at a Wisconsin state prison, ya' know, can you believe that crap?

Molly

He's a manager! [tense music starts] He's gonna make an office above the garage!

Hell yeah! I manage like five bands in D block. You know? For good! You ever heard of the Twixies? It hasn't gotten out yet, but you know, I record some stuff, then hit the phones, I'm so good! It blew my mind! [tense music gets louder] I just wanted to talk to you, dude... we should start a frickin' label! Can you imagine that? You know? Brothers in business? I would be in charge of numbers. You just play the music, play those rat-a-tat-tat, play those drums. And I want to do it plenty, and big fans and labels. [tense music stops suddenly]

William

Awwm lemme outta here, I gotta pee-pee!

Nathan

Yeah me too!

Skwisgaar

Yeah that's for sure!

Toki

[catatonically silent]

Pickles

[enters restroom] I AM GONNA LOSE MY MIND! MY PARENTS JUST BRAG AND BRAG ABOUT MY BROTHER! [mocking high-pitched voice] "Oh, he's in a room above the garage!" [normal voice] BIG DEAL, HE'S AN EX-CON! [breathes from an inhaler, pants for breath] I haven't used one of these things in like 15 years.

Nathan

[enters restroom, slamming the door open] WHAT THE FUCK?!

Skwisgaar

This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw-up!

William

Don't worry about it, your mom seems cool!

Skwisgaar

She was the most prosqueeminous women in Swedens, haves sex with everybody! Pffft! Thanks mom!

Nathan

The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.

William

My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheel chair. SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!

Pickles

Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem!

William

Of course! We have them put to sleep!

Pickles

No, we'll lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at them! We'll buy that bastard a wheel chair, take them to miniature golf or whatever the fuck people do. We'll pretend we're interested in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over, we'll ship them outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?

William

Okay.

Oh William, you're going to go to heaven for this!

William Murderface

I’d rather die than go to heaven.

Pickles

TIME TO GO! Time to go! Everyone get packed up... where's the folks? He - heyyyyy -

Skwisgaar

Ugh. Can't comes even faster. This sour stomach ever since my mom's been here?

Nathan

Toki hasn't said one word!

Toki

[still catatonically silent]

William

Maybe they died in their sleep.

[approaches Dethklok members] Alright dudes, may I have a word with you?

Pickles

Oh, not now bro, we gotta see everybody off for now, for good, to the airport! Guhhh... where are they?

Okay, here's the deal. Everyone's in the studio right? We're gonna have a lil' pow-wow.

Nathan

The studio?

We are going to do a Dethklok family Death metal album! There it is, I said it. Okay? And I got it all figured out. Everybody's on board. Now we can all enjoy the fruits of our talents! After all, [to Pickles] hey, you're my little brother. I friggin' love you. But you got all your ideas about music from me first! [tense music starts] The idea to become a rock n' roll star, that was mine. So face it; you owe me! [Pickles starts to choke him, causing him to stutter] You'll be making a percentage!

Pickles

For once it is not about the money! I don't want my parents doing a fucking metal album!

[still being choked] I can't take this away from them! We're family!

Pickles

The hell you talkin' about?!

Nathan

We are the most brutal band in the world! What do any of you know about being brutal?

William

Yeah!

Help me!

Skwisgaar

Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!

Pickles

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage! You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [sprays William with pepper spray]

William

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [sprays William again]

William

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something, there's nothing, NOTHING, in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!

Rose Explosion

You ruined my vagina!

I could never lose the weight after you were born! And look at the veins in my bosom, they're like a roadmap of Stockholm!

I used to be happy... until you! When I started spending all my time with HER, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! That's brutal!

... with considerable pressure, the hard and marble-like lens can jettison back into their own eyes, blinding them.

Nathan

Huh...I didn't know that.

William Murderface

I did. [sticks food into his mouth with his knife; Twinkletits enters the room]

Band meetin' everyone, BAND MEETIN'!

Pickles

Dude, you may be a therapist, but you can't call a band meeting!

Yes I can! For the purpose of these exercises, I am a band member! To reward Toki for great work today, I should like to give him something that the rest of you may one day earn.

[whispers] The banana sticker! [heavenly chorus sounds]

Murderface

How come he gets a banana sticker? Don't I get one?

No, Murderface, you do not get a banana sticker, not until you have proven yourself! Until then, these banana stickers shall remain locked in here.

What happened back there?

Murderface

I don't care.

Hey, I've got an idea. [Removes glasses.] Let's rock talk!

Murderface

No!

C'mon, don't you wanna get in touch with you know, your - your inner dude?

Murderface

No thanks, I hate that guy.

Now we're getting somewhere! Let's rock talk about that!

Murderface

I don't wanna.

Hmm. What a shame, you know. Guess I'll just have to, you know, hold onto all these banana stickers, I got like a million -

Murderface

[eyes widen] Okay, I'll rock talk.

Good. I want you to tell me about young Murderface. Tell me a nice story about when Murderface was just a little tiny boy.

Murderface

Well, okay, here goes.

How could I ever marry you?! I kill you! Here goes!

And now I kill myself! First my left leg! Good! [voice gets more anguished] Now the right! [voice gets even more anguished and lower] Now the arm! [voice gets lower and more halting] NOW MY FAAAACE! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Murderface

Yeah, that was good rock talk.

Hey, ah, this is John Twinkletits, ah. Remember me? I was in the Amazlingtons with you. Just want to let you that I'm in another band and we're called Dethklok. No big whoop. No big whoop. Just give me a call back whenever you can, but then again you probably can't BECAUSE I KILLED YOU.

Toki

I'm telling you he's crazy.

Murderface

How could you say something like that? He's a genius.

Nathan

Alright, this is getting completely out of control. Twinkletits thinks he's in our band. I think we gotta fire 'em.

Toki

Wait, we can do that?

Nathan

Yeah. I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.

Can we's fires ourselves?

Nathan

Yeah, no, I... I found that out too.

Pickles

Can we give ourselves a raise?

Nathan

Yeah, I mean I think so. Don't quote me on that, but I think we can.

Pickles

Oh, dude, then I, you know I give myself a raise right now.

Ja, I give me a raise too.

Toki

I give myself a solid gold telephone.

Murderface

I give myself a bunch of boats. Wit' a bunch of... Vietnamese people on 'em... on fire.

Pickles

Dudes. I just thought about something. If we fire Twinkletits, then we ain't gonna see no more banana stickers.

Nathan

Hey! We been thinkin', not very hard, but... You're fired! Yeah. We hate you.

I'm sorry, what?

Murderface

Hey it's not that bad. You know I pride myself on being able to pit people against each other, but you're amazing, you're a real dick. And I appreciate that, but we never want to see you again, you ugly idiot dick!

Hold on for a second, I am your therapist.

I ain't no therapist, but I hate your mustache.

Don'ts you wants a banana sticker?

Nathan

We won't be needing your banana stickers.

Nathan

We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so...

You sons of bitches! HOW DARE YOU! I AM the band! You can't kick me out! I'll kick you out! YOU'RE ALL FIRED, you buncha stupid pussies! I'LL KILL YOU! [slips on a banana sticker and flies out the window] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [he falls several stories and lands on the ground] I'm still alive! I'm still- [the yard wolves appear] AUUGGGHH ...

Toki

Look. The wol-e-ves eat him.

Skwisgaar

Yes, Toki, and his body will nourish the wolves.

Toki

I believe the cycle of learning is complete.

Skwisgaar

Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.

Pickles

Yeah. And what lesson might that be?

Skwisgaar

I haves no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten, look at that right there.

Nathan

[videotaping Twinkletits getting eaten by the wolves] I loved him. I ... can say that now.

William

Now that he's dead, it's much easier to say emotional things about him.

Pickles

Guys, maybe this is weird to say, but am I the only one who is being made to feel hungry by watching this?

Nathan

[pause] Let's eat!

Nathan Explosion

Hey! We were watching that.

Pickles the Drummer

Dude, right, so you could make fun of me, I know.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

No way, to compliments you, you were such a beautifuls lady back then. Maybe, yous all favor us with a few make-ups tips.

Pickles the Drummer

Eh hahaha. That's really funny.

William Murderface

It's exciting! Turn it back on! I wanna see what happens!

Pickles

What do you mean? I'm here! That's what happened! That's the end of the story.

William

Well it's boring when you say it.

Pickles

I know.

Toki Wartooth

Pickle? [sigh] this Snakes 'N' Barrel, it's not my cup of tea. It sucks!

Pickles

Well, it's not a nice thing to say, Toki.

Toki

Not my fault it sucks.

Murderface

What if Pickles never comes back? Boy, that'd be totally messed up.

Nathan

Oh come on guys, it's not like this is anyones first band. You'll probably all want to go reunite with your old bands at some point.

Toki

Dethklok is my first band.

Nathan

Oh. Well, one day, you'll want to reunite with us.

Toki

Why? We already together.

Nathan

Just 'cause we're not broken up doesn't mean we can't reunite.

Skwisgaar

Actuallys, I thinks that's exactlys what that means.

Nathan

Seriously?

Skwisgaar

You can'ts reunite with a bands that has not brokeds up. They won't let you.

Toki

That sucks. Psch, great.

Nathan

Wait, could we have a "Not Reunion" tour, where we, you know, just come out and like, you know, do a regular show?

Skwisgaar

No, I looked into it.

Nathan

Well that's pretty lame.

Skwisgaar

Well, that's showbiz.

Nathan

Hey... good luck on your show tonight.

Pickles

Oh, hey, thanks. I gotta get ready back here, if you don't mind.

Skwisgaar

Go gets them. Haves a really great show... do that for me.

Pickles

...Yeah, I gotta, you know get ready -

William

Just don't forget about us... [raises his beer bottle] He's a good kid!

Pickles

Ohhh, you're acting weird.

Nathan

We just, you know, umm, we care about you.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, if you gets a problems with thats, then, well I guess that's just sad.

Pickles

Oh God, I'm not leaving Dethklok, I've told you this a billion times, okay? I'm just doing this for fun!

Nathan

Yeah, well, it's not brutal you know... Snakes 'N' Barrels isn't brutal.

Pickles

I know.

Nathan

Okay.

Pickles

Okay.

Nathan

Just do a great job! And don't leave us! I gotta get going, YOUR MUSIC SUCKS AND YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! ...I'm having a hard time expressing myself.

Pickles

Will you guys get the hell out of here? I'm supposed to be going over the songs.

Skwisgaar

Oh ja? Well then where's your stupid band?

Pickles

[gasp] I don't even know where they are!

Nathan

Most brutal album, huh? Ugh, I hate to say it, they're right! It's an amazing album! Congratulations Pickles. It's so chilling!

Murderface

What a great way to go out too! I only hope we can end that way! Clawing our eyes out, throwing up acid blood!

Toki

I officially take backs whatever I said about Snakes 'N' Barrels. You're amazing!

Skwisgaar

This music is likes potato chips. I can't stops listening to it! Plays it again!

Pickles

Alright.

Nathan Explosion

Why do I drink so much before stupid fan day?

William Murderface

I believe you drink because it's fan day.

Nathan

Ugh. I don't w - Don't talk to me about that. Wai - wait, where's Skwisgaar?

Toki Wartooth

I don't think he gonna be here for a while, he had a very big night with a very huge fan!

Nathan

Yeah, we were all up late.

Toki

Not me, I actually got good rest.

Pickles

Can you please, just be quiet for a second?

Toki

Ahh, what's wrong Pickle? You just need to eat something. Your name is Pickle, maybe you should try pickle herring sandwich [hands him a sandwich] very famous from Oslo!

OH YEAH PICKLE- [Pickles shuts the door]

Pickles

GOD! Everywhere I go, there's fans everywhere! Can't I just throw up in my own house?! Ugh!

Murderface

OH GOD! Don't, what are you - bulimia?

Nathan

Oh, great now you're gonna start a whole chain reaction, puke-a... a-thon!

Toki

Aww! Blood puke! Good song title, someone write that - oh, that's right we already wrote that. Good song though!

Nathan

[breathing heavily] Ohh, I think I need another liver transplant.