William Murderface quotes from Metalocalypse

Pickles the Drummer

Okay wait, before you do anything.

Pickles the Drummer

Motherdouchebags! Did it again...

Toki Wartooth

Dudes, what's wrong with that one? [dejected]

Pickles

Lemme guess - not "heavy" enough, not "tuned low" enough, not "brutal" enough?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Dudes, we can'ts nots toning down any lower.

William Murderface

Well, maybe it'd be better if I just killed myself, huh? Why don't you record that, huh? Would that be brutal enough for you? Me, being dead?

Skwisgaar

Somebody shoulds tells Murderface that it's not alsways-ways abouts him.

Nathan

Maybe take it easy on those beans, Murderface?

Pickles

Yeah, I know man, have a little decency. I mean, we're stuck together in a... in a friggin' submarine for...

Murderface

[drops bucket of beans] Fine, how about I starve to death. How's that? [passes gas] Excuse me! Ugh, these boots are killing my feet! [removes boots, exposing sweaty, smelly feet; passes gas] These feet sti... [vomits all over himself]

Knubbler

Yeah, bear with me dudes. I think I made the trip a little too fast. My... my body's having a little trouble adjusting to the oceanic pressure down here. I'm sure I'll feel a little better once I have some Pop Rocks and Coke. [washes down a handful of Pop Rocks with Coca-Cola and begins to bleeds from nose]

Nathan

Now shut up and listen to this, Dick. This is metal. For fish.

Skwisgaar

Fish don't gots no good metal to listens to.

Murderface

Yeah, it's true.

Knubbler

Fish, huh?

Nathan

This one's called Murmaider!

Murderface

It's about mermaid murder.

Knubbler

Stop the track! This is amazing! I mean, there must be billions of fish out there! It's a totally untapped market! And so many hits too!

Nathan

Electric Eelchair!

Knubbler

Yeah!

Skwisgaar

Scaled and Gutted and Undercooked.

Knubbler

Yeah!

Murderface

Scuba Tank Filled With Farts!

Knubbler

YEAH! You boys knocked it completely out of the park. [quietly] I am back on top. [louder] I'm going straight to the label!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Hey, Pickle. Tell Murderface what you just told me about that guy. S' hilarious.

Pickles the Drummer

Oh, right. That dude that you headbutted? The guy was a Danish Prince. Can you believe that?

Skwisgaar

[mistaking the Danish for the Dutch] Pfft! The Dutch.

Pickles

Oh, check it out. He's got a brain contusion and a fractured skull... Oh, and he's last in line for the Danish royalty. That is messed up, dude.

William Murderface

Well, that's what he gets for going after my hog.

Pickles

Awesome.

Skwisgaar

Dude, I would have done the same thing. Pfft. Dutch.

Pickles

Yeah, well it's official. I mean, you're getting really... good at headbutting.

The Queen of Denmark, with her son, Prince Henrey. [Prince Henrey is swathed in various bandages, injured from Murderface's headbutt]

This is an original manuscript from Peter Cornolivesonoft, Denmark's most faaamous poet!

Murderface

Was he murdered?

No.

Murderface

How much did it cost?

This is an -

Murderface

Ah, just keep it! [to himself] I'm getting the crappiest gifts! [Prince Henrey hands him a marker] What?! [incredulously] Are you giving me a Sharpie for my birthday?

He's asking for your autograph.

Skwisgaar

[grabs marker from Murderface] Here, let me sign! [pushes hard against the bridge of the nose]

OW!

Skwisgaar

The Dutch are scum.

Nathan

And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players... [the gift box falls open, empty] ... NOOOOTHING!

Murderface

Oh, you suck! You all suck!

Nathan

Awwww, what's wrong?

Skwisgaar

Ah yeah, go play records backwards and kill yourself.

Pickles

Hey fatso! We got your favorite thing: disappointment!

Nathan

Attention! You big baby!

Skwisgaar

Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?

Murderface

Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?

Nathan

We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.

Murderface

Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.

Nathan

That's part of the surprise.

Murderface

Why?

Nathan

Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.

Pickles

Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!

Nathan

Well, what do you think?

Toki

Big fat tires and everything!

Murderface

But I already got, like, a million limos.

Pickles

Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]

Nathan

It's all souped up... and desecrated.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.

Pickles

And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!

Toki

And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.

Murderface

You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]

Pickles

Dudes, I'm turning on my Dethphone and I'm hearing Murderface. Wait a minute! Do we just get one phone line in five phones?!

Toki

That's brutal.

Pickles

So wait - we can't make any out-calls?! Dude, Murderface, get off the phone! Please! Get off the phone!

Murderface

Okay, hold on. I just need to check my messages.

You have 67 new telephone answering machine digital phone wireless fidelity Dethfone messages. To hear the messages, press "1" on the keypad located on the front of the phone. Preparing to play answering machine number message number one. After this message, would you like to save, or delete, or replay this message, please listen to the directions that will follow the message...

Nathan

Oh man, this thing's just designed to eat up minutes. It's brutal.

Murderface

What are those wooden things? Chairs?

They are acoustic instruments.

Toki

What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?

Skwisgaar

A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.

It's your only choice, I'm afraid.

Pickles

Whoa, this is a tough one guys.

Nathan

Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.

The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.

Pickles the Drummer

Why don't you... go breathe underwater?

I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!

William Murderface

Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!

This band is a danger to the human race!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.

Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.

Toki Wartooth

Hey, how 'bout we compromise...

Nathan Explosion

We'll give you half... of NOTHING!

Charles Ofdensen

The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.

Not guilty!

Murderface

Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.

Pickles

Yeah, we can't get writer's credit for something like that.

Murderface

Good point. You're up, Judge Alfanso!

Oh, thank you William.

Pickles

Okay, we are gonna delight you all with a little improvisational comedy. Now all we need to start is one location.

HOW 'BOUT A DIFFERENT COMEDY CLUB? [laughter]

Pickles

Okay, I heard a... gas station.

Murderface

I'm a gas station attendant!

Pickles

[sitting on a stool pretending to hold a steering wheel] Fill her up, I am driving a Corvette. It is, midnight blue with-

HEY PIPPY-LONG-BORING! YOU SUCK! [laughter]

Pickles

Can't you fill it up just a little bit faster?

Murderface

Well I'm trying! I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A FUCKING GAS TANK!

Pickles

That's because it's a stool Murderface!

HEY, IDIOT! DON'T NEGATE THE PREMISE! [laughter]

Pickles

It's on - it's on - it's over there - wherever. Just please hurry. I would like to leave this horrible place...

Murderface

Ahhh, I should check the oil... better go get my tools. You know what? I'm gonna leave... this sucks! Good luck dying out there!

Pickles

Are you leaving?

Murderface

Yes I'm leaving!

We're back with arguably the greatest entertainment force in the history of the world, Dethklok. Gentlemen, you are the twelfth largest economy in the world and climbing, and yet you all are intensely private. Little is known about your personal lives. Why?

Nathan Explosion

[suddenly] Because.

Well, we at the Nick Ibsen show do pride ourselves on uncovering, the, most - [interrupted by Murderface slamming his knife in the table]

William Murderface

Hey douchebag, why don't you drill a hole into your forehead and let all the sap run out.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Huh huh... for pancakes.

As intimidating as it is to interview such amazing entertainment figures, I nonetheless have a journalistic duty to uncover... certain... Are you urinating on my shoes?

William Murderface

Yes I am.

Skwisgaar

I just want to climbs into a hole and not deals, you know? Right, Toki?

Skwisgaar

What, you're not talking to me?

Nathan

I'll never not be embarrassed by my parents.

William

It's repugnant. I'd rather be Sanded Faceless than grow old and... repugnant like that.

Pickles the Drummer

I know! I think we all wish those guys were dead. Maybe we can just take them out to dinner and get them off our back.

Nathan

Eh, you're right. [he turns to their families standing right next to him] So what do you feel like eating?

I learned they have these wheelchairs now with computers in them that you can control by blinking, your eyes - and with all your money, William, your grandfather has to sit there in a wagon like a dead cat.

William

Oh! I guess I'll just run out and buy one - hey, anyone else want one? Electric wheelchairs! I'll buy a million of them -

William

Ow! Don't hit people on the head with a spoon!