William Murderface quotes from Metalocalypse

[playing with a laser pointer] My god, these things are amazing. Check it out, I'm an eye doctor.

Charles Ofdensen

Can you please give me the laser pointer? It does not belong to you.

Hey, wait your turn.

William Murderface

Hey, point that into my eyes again. Awww, yeaaah, it's awesome!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Points the laser beams at my too eye. Awhhh, cool...

View quote →

I'm sorry, who is that fat kid?

Don't play dumb, you know who that is.

I have no idea who that is. Who the hell is that?

Uh, hello, that's our son.

Murderface

Yeah, we adopted him, for charity?

I'm sorry, how is that charity?

Then we are his foster fathers. What do you mean? That's for charity, right?

No Nathan, that's not donating money to organizations. That's... that doesn't help our tax situation.

Seriously?

Yeah. Can you give him back?

Hey that's a crappy thing to say but no, I don't think we can. We tried.

Well, let's talk about the big show. You guys are performing at the United Celebrities of the World Foundation with the London Philharmonic, kind of a big deal, London Philharmonic, blah blah.

View quote →

Well, Fatty... dat's was not great back dere, how you killed an entire orchestra.

Looks cool but it does not reflects on us very well. Fatty Ding-Dongs, wes woulds likes to haves a words wid you, fathers to son.

Now, we know that it's totally your fault that the London Philharmonic was sliced in half by a laser beam, and we know that you're sorry, we know that. But I guess... hmmm... I guess we'd kinda hoped that you'd use better judgement, y'know? And as your fathers, we, uhh....

Murderface

(Angry) Aw he ate my fucking shoes little bastard! He ate my Civil War shoes! (Murderface walks up to Fatty Ding Dong and has a slap fight with him) They're fucking irreplaceable Civil War shoes! YA FAT SON OF A BITCH!

View quote →

Toki Wartooth

Oh, cool, yous gots a new shipment of custom guitar!

Yeah, dis is uh, some designs I'm messings arounds with, uh... dis one is, um, is Swiss Army-tar. Is good guitar for a camping trip, s'got toothpick.

Pickles the Drummer

Yeah, good tone, what's that one right' theere?

Uhh, is just an ant farm-itar. They, stills workings on it.

William Murderface

Nice! I'd like to stand on that thing.

Yeah, I'd stand on that.

Yah, an' this is the Gibson Excalib-itar, you know, and here's my... guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross.

Murderface

Awww, get ready for a billion e-mails. Here comes the offended religious weirdos.

What's offensive about the most religious instrument ever?

View quote →

[A yell is heard.]

Murderface

That came from Skwisgaar's dressing room!

[The oxygenating hand aquariums, part of Skwisgaar's Hand Insurance Policy, are stuck to Skwisgaar's hands.]

I don't know whats to do! This solid crystal oxygenating hands aquariums won't comes off!

SKWISGAAR, YOU GOTS TO GETS ON STAGE SOON!

OHH NOOOO!

Murderface

Clank them together! Over your head! Burst them! Hurry!

[Skwisgaar clanks them over his head, only producing a tinkle, and the hand aquariums are barely even scratched.]

Murderface

It sounded cool.

View quote →

[William Murderface's "Murderknobs" commercial.]

Murderface

[voice-over] Over a million babies and ladies die every hemisecond. That's why I use Murder Knobs.

[spoken] Doorknobs for a new world.

[Pickles the Drummer's "Pickle's Nickels" commercial.]

[voice-over] I'm Pickles the Drummer. And our country's experiencing a horrible problem - nobody is using nickels. Use nickels.

[spoken] Nickels is money too, guys.

VOVoice-over

Paid for in nickels by the US Department of Treasury.

[Nathan Explosion's "Explosion Sauce" commercial.]

[voice-over] I guess I've always hated my father. Explosion Sauce changed that.

[spoken] Explosion Sauce - it's good on its own.

[Toki Wartooth's "Willard Wonka Candy" commercial.]

Toki Wartooth

[voice-over] I Toki. I slips in and out of diabetic coma. They should makes insulin-flavored candy. Whatever.

[spoken] Candy: tastes like chicken, if chicken was a candy.

View quote →

William Murderface

Check it out, losers. Direct your attention to my crotch. See it?

[Murderface displays his purchase, a sharp and lethal-looking codpiece.]

Murderface

Feel it, envy it.

That is something else!

Murderface

Best purchase ever. It's not a big deal; it's just totally diamond-encrusted and titanium-based...

Oh, whats a coincidence! I gots a real cool codpiece too!

[Toki turns on a bright green strap-on vibrator and stands up to display it.]

Murderface

Uh, that's a dildo? A strap-on dildo?

Aww, screw you all off! My codpiece is the coolest!

View quote →

[A video on being considerate at the workplace airs.]

I have to works with you everyday. So please, would you please take it easy on the cologne?

Murderface

While that hurts my feelings, I understand.

When you see a piece of trash on the ground, don't just stand there, PICK IT UUUUUP!

Yeah! And don't leave your lunch lying around either! It attracts ants!

Facebones

And most important, remember - death is an everyday part of the workplace!

[Toki is shown taking out the trash and comes across a rotting corpse.]

Facebones

So, when you see a dead body, don't freak out!

Wowee!

Facebones

Just... ring your Deth-bell!

[Toki rings his Deth-bell]

View quote →

Sorry I'm late guys, I uh... just had another one a those, I-can't-figure-it-out dreams again, you know... I think I might be stupid.

Pickles the Drummer

How can you be stupid? You're famous!

Charles Ofdensen

That is true...

Toki Wartooth

And yous a billionaire!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Dat sounds smart to me no matter how many times you slice it.

William Murderface

Hey quick! What's six times, um, er, uh... twelve!

Murderface

Oh, hey, what the fuck?!

I gets punch for laughing?!

Murderface

Laughing hurts more.

View quote →

But it's wrong!

Murderface

Hey, I don't care how wrong it is. Just admit it; I'm a great speller and it burns you.

You're not a great speller! You got to spell right to be a speller!

Murderface

So what? A guy hits a home run, but since he's fat it's not a home run? It's gotta be perfect? That's not the point.

Now that is the point! THAT - IS - SPELLING!

Ech, they can't helps it, Toki. Not everyone gets the advantage of superior Skanzanavians ekocationen.

'Kay, name something that's got nothin' ta do with guitar go, go go go go go...

[unable to produce an answer] Oh, dum, dah, uh, oh, um, ah...

View quote →

I'm ready. I had that uh, "I'm late for class and I'm in my underwear" dream, but - my palms are sweaty and I can't concentrate, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE!

Murderface

That's anxiety! A-N-X-I-E-T.

View quote →

Um, Nathans? What do yous do, before you're nervous, at a show?

Murderface

You know what you do...

Yeah, whaddaya you, whaddaya you do? [shakes a bottle of liquor in front of Nathan] What's Nathan do?

Murderface

Just have a little drink!

That's it! I have a little drink! [starts drinking the entire bottle of liquor]

Murderface

That's what you do!

View quote →

TATV Announcer

William Murderface has been on the stage for about 45 minutes. The word is "technicality" and it's his first word of the night. It's kind of an ironic situation when the word is "technicality" and he is technically already out because he used his first letter - "p" - which is uh... not a letter in the word. He decided to, uh... very confidently speak out before the word was finished being said.

Murderface

Technicality. P-i-s-s, fuck you! [flips off television camera]

View quote →

William Murderface

Can you pass that Prozac shaker? [Pickles hands him shaker]

Pickles the Drummer

[takes a spoonful from the box of ice cream Murderface is eating] Awww, this is soy ice cream! Skwisgaar!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

[responds lethargically] Huuuh?