[In the film, Hawkeye plays the "Yankee Doodle Doctor" as a Groucho Marx-esque type character, and Trapper as a Harpo Marx-esque character. The first scene shows Radar as a patient being unloaded from an ambulance. ]
N Nurse
Doctor, can you give him a hand?
YD Yankee Doodle Doctor
I'd rather give you one!
Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?
YD Yankee Doodle Doctor
I certainly am!
[Scene cuts to the Mess tent everyone watching the film with Hawkeye and Trapper laughing at people]
Gosh, am I glad they brought me here!
YD Yankee Doodle Doctor
Wait a minute, have you got a reservation?
YD Yankee Doodle Doctor
I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Years!
YD Yankee Doodle Doctor
I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well!
Hold it (puts his ear to Radar's stomach) I think I just found my wristwatch. Either that or he's giving birth to an alarm clock.
S1 Bananas, Crackers and Nuts
I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I dreamed it while I was awake!
This is the army! No one can do the best they can!
Does Henry have an enemy?
Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.
Come on, Frank! Outta the way!
You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.
Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!
Sir, you want to sign this?
B Blake
I don't want to sign anything, you sign it! [Radar signs]
Sir, would you sign that I signed?
B Blake
[signs] I'll sign that.
They aren't gonna like this.
I didn't come here to be liked.
You certainly came to the right place.
Do you mind if we swim through?
I assure you, all goldbricking that went on here under Colonel Blake is going to stop. Under my command, life is going to be a different kettle of fish.
Are you sure you're in the right branch of the service Sir?
S1 I Hate A Mystery
I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.
I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.
You know, I never hit a woman.
You lay one finger on Margaret...
I was talking about you, Frank.
S1 Germ Warfare
I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!
Ghouls? That's not a nice thing to call us vampires.
S1 Dear Dad
Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike. [Silence]
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
