Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No "saints in surgical garb." Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.
“Yankee Doodle Doctor” · Season 1
In this episode: Hawkeye Pierce (3), Trapper John McIntyre (2), Frank Marion Burns (1), Radar O'Reilly (1)
[An army film unit is making a documentary at the camp.]
[Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
[laughing] A Yankee Doodle --
[singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...
HTHawkeye and Trapper
...and called her macaroni!
[In the film, Hawkeye plays the "Yankee Doodle Doctor" as a Groucho Marx-esque type character, and Trapper as a Harpo Marx-esque character. The first scene shows Radar as a patient being unloaded from an ambulance. ]
NNurse
Doctor, can you give him a hand?
YDYankee Doodle Doctor
I'd rather give you one!
Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?
YDYankee Doodle Doctor
I certainly am!
*HONK!*HONK!*
[Scene cuts to the Mess tent everyone watching the film with Hawkeye and Trapper laughing at people]
Gosh, am I glad they brought me here!
YDYankee Doodle Doctor
Wait a minute, have you got a reservation?
A reservation?!
YDYankee Doodle Doctor
I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Years!
*HONK!*
But, Doctor!
YDYankee Doodle Doctor
I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well!
Hold it (puts his ear to Radar's stomach) I think I just found my wristwatch. Either that or he's giving birth to an alarm clock.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.