Maxwell Klinger quotes from M*A*S*H

Klinger

(afraid of catching mumps): If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids. Take that, you little homewreckers!

Klinger

Now the army is my best friend... I may get shot in the stomach... but I won't get stabbed in the back.

Klinger

(After breaking Potter's glasses) We just shared a moment of great warmth. I think a murder right now would really spoil the mood.

Klinger

Well, as my Uncle Amos used to say, "Those who can't, manage those who can." One of his employees made that up for him.

Sidney

Sign this, soldier.

Klinger

What's it say?

Sidney

It says that I have examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual.

Klinger

I ain't any of those. Where do you get off calling me that?

Sidney

I think I got the idea from your cleavage.

Klinger

Listen, all I want is a Section 8. You know what you can do with this.

Sidney

Hey soldier. You forgot your purse.

Klinger

Hi sirs, sandwiches from the mess tent.

Hawkeye

Hope everybody likes carrier pigeon.

Klinger

There's ham, chicken, and something brown that just lays there.

Klinger

[reading an alleged letter from home] "Dear Son--"

Henry

You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.

Henry

[pulling out Klinger's file] Here we go. Father dying, right?

Klinger

Yes, sir.

Henry

[going through letters in Klinger's file] Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts file down] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Klinger

Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.

Klinger

(On guard duty at night.) Halt! What's the password.

Hawkeye

(in a threatening tone) Outta my way, or i'll split your head open.

Klinger

...Close enough!

Frank

Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress...tonight!

Klinger

Never on a first date, sir!

Klinger

What's this morning's breakfast?

Last night's dinner.

Klinger

Great, that was yesterday's lunch.

Henry

Outta the way, Klinger.

Klinger

I've gotta have the password, Colonel.

Henry

Bullfeathers!

Klinger

That was LAST week's password.

Frank

Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!

Klinger

I'm not that easy.

Klinger

Colonel Potter, sir. Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, head-to-toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.

Horse hockey! I've seen these dodges for 40 years, all the tricks. Knew a private, pretended he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arm for weeks. Another fellow said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal. It ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform. Dismissed!

Hawkeye

Lie down and rest.

Klinger

I'd rather do it in my own bed.

Hawkeye

All right, go back to your tent.

Klinger

My bed in Toledo.