Charles Winchester quotes from M*A*S*H

Charles

Gentlemen, before we adjourn, there is the matter of one Corporal Elmo Hitalski, a most worthy and deserving soldier.

Hawkeye

Him again?

Charles

Admittedly, he's not perfect. But who is?

You're the one who wanted to turn a guy down because he had a Z in his name.

Charles

Pierce, there is no sense in projecting the worst in this thing.

Hawkeye

The worst is a distinct possibility. Dad and I are too close to…let this all suddenly end with silence 12,000 miles apart.

Charles

Pierce, you should be grateful that only distance is separating you. My father and I have been 12,000 miles apart in the same room.

Hawkeye

Yeah?

Charles

The most intimate and personal communication at the Winchester household took place at the evening meal. Every night promptly at 7:15, we would gather at the dinner table. The soup would be served, and my father would begin with, "Tell us what you did today, Charles." As the elder of the two children, I was given the privilege of speaking first. I would then have until the salad to report the highlights of my day. Even now, the sight of lettuce makes me talk faster. I always assumed that's how it was in every family. But when I see the warmth, closeness, the fun of your relationship… My father's a good man. He always wanted the best for me. But where I have a father, you have a dad.

Hawkeye

[touched] Charles, you never told me anything like this before.

Charles

Actually, Hawkeye…I've never told you anything before.

Charles

Would you like some Cognac?

Naw, I ain't hungry.

Margaret

Maj. Winchester what is that?

Charles

That is a floor which astonishingly enough I am sweeping.

Margaret

Plaster will not be sweeped off the floor. It has to be scrapped off with a razor.

Charles

Winchesters do not shave floors.

Margaret

Do Winchesters heal quickly?

Charles

Now, can we get on with this? I have some meaningless trivial business that is far more important.

Klinger

OK. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)

Charles

My word, you have invented the circle!

Klinger

Hey, guys. Did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid fifty thousand bucks to get him out of the Marines.

Charles

Boy, that's not what I heard. I heard it was seventy-five thousand and they sold Babe Ruth to the Navy.

Margaret

I think a party with a theme would be really cute.

Charles

Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?

There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?

Klinger

Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?

Charles

Yes. Yes they did. They fired the entire staff.

Hawkeye

I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.

Charles

Indeed I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector. And I would have been here sooner but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience.

Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this. (reading from newspaper) Blue movie banned in Boston.

Hawkeye

What?

"The Moon Is Blue, starring David Niven, William Holden, and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to its suggestive nature. "

Hawkeye

Philistines. They said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.

Charles

Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos, bear in mind: Boston would have banned Pinocchio.

Charles

(To Captain Sweeney, CO of the stuttering Private Palmer) Captain Sweeney, if you say one more unkind word to Private Palmer, I will personally write a report detailing your inhumanity, and I will have it placed in your 201 file, where it will follow you for the rest of your career.

But Major, that-

Charles

(Brushing aside Sweeney's interjection) IS THAT CLEAR?

Yes, sir.

Charles

I'm afraid there is the possibility--slim though it be--that I...snore.

Mulcahy

Snore. Oh. Good heavens, Major. What...courage it took to admit that.

Charles

Well, Father, I'm afraid you don't understand. See, all my life I've harbored a secret dread that I may not be worthy of my name, that I may not good enough to be a Winchester. What if all this malarkey is true, that I do...snore like a common factory worker. What if that's just the tip of the iceberg? What if there are even more vulgar traits lurking just underneath the surface? Today...snoring. Tomorrow, sitting in front of a TV with a cold brew watching roller derby. What if--perish the thought--I am actually the same as everybody else? I couldn't live with that.

Mulcahy

Speaking as one whose ancestors were factory workers and who like roller derby and a good brew, do I understand you to say that if you can't be better that me, then there's no point in living?

Charles

Well, don't take it personally, Father.

Mulcahy

Why should I take it personally? By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I was thrown out of the seminary dorm for snoring?

Charles

Uh...

Mulcahy

The truth of the matter is you're not superior to any of us whether you snore or not.

Charles

Shh!

Mulcahy

And at times like this, I'm not even sure you're equal.

Mulcahy

Good morning, Major. If you don't mind me saying so, hubba hubba.

Charles

Well, Margaret. Can't you just say good morning as civilized people do?

Margaret

(grunting and miming)

Charles

It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play charades.

Mulcahy

Uh, Doctor, I believe you are being paged.

Margaret

(more grunting and miming)

Charles

May I at least finish my Wheaties? (Margaret drags him out of the mess tent) Margaret, what is wrong?

Charles

Well why not. I'm often mistaken for a little Western Union boy. (reading note) "Dr. Chesler, must cancel. Very sorry. Perhaps another time." Another time? The man's leaving for the States tomorrow.

Margaret

Not fair to patients or staff. Can't work like this. Another three days -- I can't go.

Charles

I must say I admire your dedication. I'll send this off immediately if that's what you really want. Yes? (leaving post-op bellowing) Telegram for Dr. Chesler. Oh, telegram for Dr. Chesler.

Margaret

I got some 3-0 silk for you Dr. Winchester. I noticed you were running low.

Charles

I shall always cherish this moment.

Margaret

Well, Charles, what are friends for?

Charles

Friends? If pressed, I would say that you and I coexist. Now can we skip ahead to the inevitable small favor that you are going to ask?

Margaret

Well, now that you mention it, I got this new record player and I don't have anything to play on it.

Charles

I do. And you still don't.