Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye

We've just heard that General Eisenhower's gonna run for president... what some guys won't do to get out of the army.

Hawkeye

Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.

Hawkeye

[responding to a plethora or requests for help] My kingdom for an intelligent octopus!

Hawkeye

[on the telephone seeking help] Send me anyone! Jack the Ripper! Anyone who's good with a knife!

Hawkeye

Look, you're doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression.

Hawkeye

I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

Hawkeye

I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.

Hawkeye

And his socks off.

Hawkeye

Look, we both studied dead. This man is dead.

Hawkeye

I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.

Hawkeye

[To Klinger, who's still wearing some women's clothes for his check-up] What's a pretty girl like you doing in a war like this?

Hawkeye

Praise the Lord, and pass the sauce.

Hawkeye

(After Klinger says "liver.") Don't say Liver! You say that word again, I'll set your teeth on fire!

Hawkeye

Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do.

Hawkeye

There's no Jeep here, Radar, there's only a whole lot of here, here.