Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye

I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life, I am appetite!

And I'm not taking my clothes off till he leaves.

You assassinated his character?

Hawkeye

Yeah. I let him talk.

Margaret

Why was he in my shower?

Hawkeye

Isn't it obvious?

Mulcahy

Not to me.

Hawkeye

Does he understand English?

Radar

I'll find out. Ya understand English?

Yes.

Radar

Yes.

Hawkeye

That guy would turn in his own mother for passing along a recipe.

Charles

You don't like the fellow, do you?

Hawkeye

No, I've never been too fond of a guy who would bring you a wounded prisoner and beg you to fix him up just so that he could take him out and shoot him.

Charles

That bad, hmmm?

Hawkeye

I don't see anything here. I think I'll go sing Carmen in the latrine. The echo'll kill him.

What is this idiocy about?

Your spy ring.

Spy ring?

Very clever, hiding under a house of cards while you plot the overthrow of the free world.

Hawkeye

He's got us, guys, we might as well confess. I'm Joe Stalin. Mao Tse-Tung, Marshall Tito, and, of course, you already know Lenin. What can I say, we couldn't get a room in the Kremlin.

Flagg, put that thing down! I don't know how your nimble brain cooked up this goofy plot, but you just bought yourself a peck of trouble!

Says the ringleader!

Hawkeye

Do you have any idea who these two gentlemen are?!

I'll get to that when I'm ready. All right, who are you?

I am Doo Pak.

The mayor of Ouijongbu!

Hawkeye

And this is his baby brother, Hung Pak, Chief of Police!

Hawkeye

Has anyone explained to you the philosophy of Rosie Land?

No, but someone wanted to use my underwear for a flag.

Hawkeye

Oh, that would be our Secretary of the Interior.

Got anything to smoke?

[handing him a cigar] Special today. Two bits.

Hawkeye

It's on me.

It's got teeth marks in it.

It's a demonstrator model.

What he's trying to say is, correct me if I'm wrong...what's he trying to say?

Hawkeye

That Rosie's is an oasis, a bamboo security blanket, a neutral country all its own.

Yeah a country!

Hawkeye

(grunt) 23 hours of O.R.

So?...23 hours...It's not like we were in there all day.

Charles

I feel like Dorian Grey's picture. Does anyone mind if I relax to some Beethoven?

Hawkeye

Yes! (simultaneous with B.J.)

Aww...not tonight! (simultaneous with Hawkeye)

Charles

Alrighty, since you insist (starts the record player)

(sarcastically) We-hell, at least he had the decency to ask.

Hawkeye

My body is so tired it's suing me for running a sweatshop.

Hawkeye

Why am I wide awake?!? I know, how 'bout a brisk walk?

I can see us all sitting at a reunion ten years from now.

Hawkeye

Yeah, the war's been over for a month, we all have gray hair, Charles has his in a box.

Do you always treat enemy soldiers?

Hawkeye

Of course not, only if they're sick.

Will someone please tell me what's going on here?

We thought your wife might like some pictures of your fact-finding tour.

Hawkeye

Suitable for hanging.

Either of you seen Radar?

Hawkeye

Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.

Why? What's wrong?

Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.

Hawkeye

Oy.

Yeah, oy.