Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Charles

Do you happen to have a quarter?

Hawkeye

All this for a quarter?

Charles

I have to pry off the cover.

'Course, cover charge.

Charles

Do you two realize that you are singing two entirely different operas and they're both out of tune?

Hawkeye

Don't blame me, I didn't write this stuff.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Hawkeye

What don't you do?

I'll think of something.

Margaret

Continental breakfast.

Hawkeye

Continent of Atlantis.

Margaret

Huh?

Hawkeye

That's the one that sank.

Hawkeye

Who does he think he is, The Merchant of Korea?

Stop crying, it's just a pound of flesh.

Hawkeye

A pound of flesh, my butt.

Wherever.

Hawkeye

What do you think the sentence is for firing an officer out of a Howitzer?

190 years, if you're a first offender.

Whose bright idea was this, anyhow?

Hawkeye

Ask the five-card stud.

Klinger

Look at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.

Sure you have, in the Reptile House.

Mulcahy

I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.

Charles

Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.

Mulcahy

(pauses) Well, good night everyone.

Hawkeye

Good night, Mr. Chip.

How's the clamp working, son?

Hawkeye

Like a lioness holding her cub.

Charles

Don't be ridiculous. This is twelve-year-old Scotch. You don't think I'd keep it in the original bottle with you petty larcenists around, do you?

Hawkeye

Eugggh!

What, what?

Hawkeye

I've been drinking from his Scotch bottle!

Margaret

Well, Doctor, as much as I hate to admit it, you ran that siege pretty well.

Hawkeye

We were great for half a staff. Damn that Hunnicutt, where is he? Technically, he's AWOL, you know. I could throw the book at him.

Margaret

I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the army?

Hawkeye

Since it was left to me.

Margaret

If only Frank Burns could see you now! It's not so easy to play the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?

No, why?

Hawkeye

That eliminates Benito Juarez.

Hawkeye

Sidney, what kept you?

Sidney

My jeep had a nervous breakdown.

Hawkeye

Don't you ever sleep?

Sleep, what's that?

Hawkeye

Close your eyes, put your head on your chest, and have nightmares about the war.

When you're a medic, you don't have to close your eyes.

Excuse me, but uh, what are you doing to gun?

Preventative maintenance, Kwang

Hawkeye

We fix it now, and no one will have to worry about it again.

Ah, Kwang understand. No, he don't.

Mulcahy

Just as the Lord said to Noah, "Everything in pairs."

Hawkeye

Of course the Lord was holding three aces at the time.

Charles

Pierce, why must you always thwart my attempts to bring a little culture into this neolithic pup tent?

Hawkeye

Because I'm a music lover.