Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Mulcahy

I had to give a girl the brush-off!

Hawkeye

(stunned): Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.

Hawkeye

Come again?

Mulcahy

She was hugging the stuffing out of me!

Not really but it's the only way I can talk to you.

Hawkeye

What's this about Colonel?

Glad you asked. I'm a very busy man so I'll make this short and sweet. Lieutenant Harris dropped by this morning, had a little surprise for me. A request for an immediate transfer.

Naturally I thought she wanted out because she couldn't take a bath but that wasn't the reason. So I said "What is the reason?" And she said "I made a big fool of myself and the whole camp knows it." So I said "Well I don't know it." And she said "I'm surprised Pierce didn't tell you."

So I said "Why are you dropping this in my lap when you should be talking to your head nurse?" And she said "The head nurse hates me."

Margaret

I do not hate her.

So I said "Back up a bit. What is it you did that got everybodie's tongue wagging except mine?" And she said "I had an unhappy love affair." So I asked "Was it one of my doctors?" And she said "No. It was your priest."

That's what she said. She was so upset she's giving up on Med School. I didn't even know she was going to Med School.

Mulcahy

She musn't give up.

Now look folks this is none of my affair so why don't we keep it that way. The woman's got only a few weeks left in this man's army. A transfer would be a waste of good red tape so here's what your gonna do. (Points to Hawkeye) You stop talking about her. (Points to Margaret) You stop hating her. (Points to Mulcahy) And you stop dating her.

Mulcahy

You know, you'd make a fine priest.

Hawkeye

Ah, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.

Hawkeye

We're 3 1/2 minutes over! Damn it!!

Maybe the hypothermia bought us some time.

Hawkeye

Yeah, on the other hand, maybe it didn't.

Hawk, we saved his life.

Hawkeye

Yeah, well I guess that's something.

It's more than something, it's everything.

Margaret

WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!

We made a man who's part George and part Harold!

Charles

And part Winchester.

Hawkeye

That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous!

Hawkeye

If he tries to leave the room one more time, he's gonna be a diplomatic corpse.

Charles

Now, you see, Pierce? This is precisely the reason that I am needed here. Your pugnacious attitude will accomplish nothing.

Hawkeye

Ooh, but it'll make me feel so good!

Charles

You're clearly out of your element here. This is a time for civility and graciousness; there is no room for rancor.

Hawkeye

How about just one bolo punch?

Charles

Look. If you wish to accomplish our objective, you will leave this to me. I'm well-versed in the verbal art of thrust and parry, give and take.

Hawkeye

Kick and gouge.

Charles

Sit there, keep your mouth shut. I will orchestrate these proceedings to a successful-

Prescott

Well, so much for that.

Hawkeye

[sarcastic] Delightful for you to drop in on us again.

Prescott

Can you imagine, those cretins were actually going to seat the deputy chargé d'affaires next to a sumo wrestler!

Hawkeye

[more sarcastic] Oh! How gauche!

Charles

[glancing at Hawkeye] Yes, these are trying times.

Hawkeye

Yes, they certainly are.

Charles

They take one's attention away from the important issues at hand. For example, the disposition of the unfortunate child we were discussing.

Prescott

Yes, the child.

Hawkeye

The one we want to send to the States. That child.

Prescott

Yes. Well, the answer's no.

Hawkeye

No? Just like that? No?

Charles

Pierce. Mr. Prescott, surely you will agree that this is a decision that should not be made in haste; there must be some discussion.

Prescott

Actually, none whatsoever.

Hawkeye

Look, Prescott, this "unattended juvenile" you're so blithely dismissing could conceivably be murdered in the name of racial purity. You got space on your application for that?!

Charles

Pierce, I'm handling this, remember?

Prescott

There's nothing to handle. The Immigration and Naturalization Service, by statute, has strict quota restrictions. My hands are tied.

Hawkeye

Now there's an idea!

Charles

[elbows Hawkeye] Just a moment. There are always alternatives.

Prescott

Not in this case, Major.

Charles

[trying to maintain composure] Mr. Prescott, I have friends of considerable influence.

Prescott

Gentlemen...

Charles

Congressmen.

Prescott

...you are wasting my time.

Charles

Senators.

Prescott

Please believe me, this is departmental policy.

Charles

Cabinet members.

Prescott

There can be no immigration under the circumstances you have set forth.

Charles

Captains of industry.

Prescott

Good day.

Charles

There's nothing good about it, Mr. Prescott! We are discussing a little girl! A human being who is facing a life of misery! An issue infinitely more important than you and your stupid seating arrangements!

Hawkeye

Charles-

Charles

Shut up, Pierce! [Prescott's desk telephone buzzes; Charles snatches up the handset] Mr. Prescott is in conference; let them eat out! [hangs up]

Prescott

How dare you-

Charles

You smarmy bureaucratic microbe; you're going to that dinner breathing through your FLY!

Hawkeye

Run for your life, Prescott, it's a wild boar!

Hawkeye

OK, ten shots, one every two hours.

Charles

Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.

Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?

You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!

Hawkeye

No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.

Yeah!

I've seen better film forming in my soup.

Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!

Hawkeye

We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!

Charles

I have no need to write letters to communicate with children. I have you for that, Pierce.

Hawkeye

That is an insult and you'll answer for it at recess.

Hawkeye

You are great with scissors (talking to Bill the lawyer), you could be a doctor or a barber.

Margaret

This is so unprofessional, I really must object.

Objection overruled

Hawkeye

Relax Margaret. The lawyer is only here on a trial basis

Haven't you ever heard of anyone ever practicing medicine?

Hawkeye

And besides, the case is closed and the patient rests

OR is now adjourned (Hits an emesis basin with a hammer)

Klinger

Hey, how come you got the easy job while we had to bust our buns?

Charles

Very well, Klinger. How do you spell "caution"?

Klinger

C-A-W...

Charles

I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door

Klinger

K-A-W...?

Hawkeye

Now you've got it.

OK, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker, or a guffaw, from anyone.

Hawkeye

You hear that, Charles?

The subject of this meeting is... the Army. (pause) So far so good. I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.

Charles

Army... Career...

Hawkeye

I'm sorry; if I held that in, my teeth would have exploded.

Come on, you gotta be kidding.

Charles

Gentlemen please it's impolite to laugh at the senile.

What'd he say?

Loss of hearing is the first sign.

Hawkeye

Klinger, come with me.

Charles

Klinger, you will do no such thing.

Hawkeye

I am trying to help that Marine and I need Klinger.

Charles

Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour, though.

Klinger

My God, I've been traded.

Hawkeye

Thanks for the lovely peasant.