[while practicing tap dancing] Hop-shuffle-death, hop-shuffle-fail, hop-shuffle-bus station.
S3 E13Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance)
S3 E14A Three Job, No Income Family
What's wrong with you getting a second job?
Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.
CCaptain
Get with the program, Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.
Marry a redhead.
Al deduces what the reason for Peggy's big checks are
Peg, why did you not sell the cosmetics?
Well, my friends decided they were not as good as other cosmetics.
OK, fine. So why in the world would you buy off yourself?
To get the commission checks!
Al gives strained look of rage
You see Peg, when you buy off yourself you get less coming in than what you owe. In the shoe business lingo we call that...SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POORHOUSE! How much do you owe?
Peg{sheepishly}: Minus the commission checks?
Yes, Peg.
$627.
Al{sternly}: Well, looks like we will have to keep up the part-time job until the debt is retired.
Scene shifts to Burger Trek. An improperly-wrapped hamburger is sent out a chute to a customer's tray
CCaptain
Did not make the noise, Bundy!
Kitchen. Peg is now working at Burger Trek instead of Al
Peg{on microphone}: Whoosh!
ASAl's Mom
Well, Al, what do you want to be when you grow up?
AAAl as a Kid
President of the United States.
ASAl's Mom
Then someday, you will.
Al (out loud): Yeah right, Mom. Try saying that when you're sober.
Peg, let me explain something. Since you're the only one buying the cosmetics, you're not actually making any money.
Oh, yes I am! They send me checks!
Ah, yes. But you send them much bigger ones. And in business, that's that we call... SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POORHOUSE! Why didn't you sell any makeup, Peg?
Well, like I told the girls... it's not very good.
Well, then why did you keep buying it?
'Cause that's how I make my money!
Al gives a strained look of rage, wiping away a tear.
How much do we owe for the cosmetics, Peg?
(naively) Minus my commission?
Yes.
...$623.
(sighs) Well, at least you're not in real estate. (gets up)
Where are you going?
We owe a lot of money, Peg. I know what I have to do...
Scene shifts to Burger Trek. An improperly-wrapped hamburger is sent out a chute to a customer's tray.
CCaptain
You didn't make the noise, Bundy!
Kitchen. Peg is now working at Burger Trek instead of Al.
(to microphone) Whoosh!
[talking to Bud] Son, life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head.
S3 E15The Harder They Fall
I can't say I won and I can't say I lost. [looks at Peg] Well, I definitely can't say I won.
If I had my way, I'd have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.
You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God I hate her!
Okay, Peg, what do we got? The Terminator? The Predator? (Peg hands Al the tape): Oh, Heavenly Dog? Peg, I wanted Schwarzenegger.
I did too, Al. But I got you, and you got Beta.
S3 E16The House That Peg Lost
[Al and Peg are going outside to sleep.]
Oh, no, Al! It's raining!
Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.
[Kelly tells Al about her upcoming slumber party.]
You're not having a slumber party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one you had.
Daddy, I was eight years old.
But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.
So I let the plumber in over at Steve and Marcy's house.
Al (sarcastically): Oh, they'll be so happy. (drops the sarcasm): By the way, did you know their house is gone?
Peg (confused): What do you mean, "gone"?
Gone. Like my hopes, my dreams, my future.
Peg (finally understanding what he means): Oh, you mean "gone". (gets up to look out the door window): It can't be gone. (looks outside): Al, Steve and Marcy's house is gone!
Nothing gets by you, does it, Peg? Except a house!
Peg, I don't like going to your mother's. I see how she looks at me: like I was between two pieces of bread. We all know what happened to her dog.
They never proved that.
Oh, I had the most horrible dream. I dreamt I was Dorothy on The Wizard of Oz. Peggy, you were The Good Witch. Al, you were looking for a brain. And Steve...(suggestively): you were Don Johnson naked. Then a train went through a tunnel...and our house was gone! (sighs): I'm feeling much better now. (to Peggy): Did you remember to let the plumber in?
(Pegs looks at Marcy sympathetically. Fade into later. Marcy is tying on a red silk robe)
Well, Peggy gave me this tacky peignoir. (to Steve): Did Al give you something to sleep in?
(A miserable Steve walks out with a blue T-shirt that reads: I'M MARRIED; SHOOT ME)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.