Come on, Kel. I did all your chores. I alphabetized all your albums. I even put an "Over One Million Served" sign on the wall above your bed. Now can I stay for your pajama party?
No, pus bomb, you can't.
S3 E16The House That Peg Lost
Daddy, we don't have any food.
My underwear has no elastic. (jerks a thumb at Peg): Take it up with June Cleaver over here.
So who died and made me mom?
You know, you can learn a lot about someone going through their safe. I wonder if Steve knows that the house is only in Marcy's name.
And I wonder if Marcy knows that Steve's mother is the beneficiary on his life insurance.
You know, we may not have much, but at least we don't keep secrets from each other.
You said it, Al. (both of them turn away, worried about their respective untold secrets)
S3 E17Married... with Prom Queen
Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?
Okay Al, let's go over this one more time. What do you work as?
Garbageman.
How often do we do we make love?
Five times a year.
It's five times a week, Al.
Oh, come on, Peg, no one's going to believe that.
I'm not asking you to do it. Just say it. Okay, now, how many children have we got?
None.
CConnie
Peggy. Peggy Wanker, don't bother to thank her.
Connie. Connie Bender, bring a friend, it won't offend her.
S3 E19The Dateless Amigo
Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.
Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. Think of it, Al. Anything you want, you just plunk down old number 99. It's a plan without flaws.
What about tax?
You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.
Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.
Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.
And audit you for five straight years.
Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know: how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.
Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.
They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.
I don't care what anyone says. I'm holding onto my dream 'til the bitter end.
Oh, God. Now I am depressed. I thought this was the bitter end.
Good evening, fellow shoe men. You all know me.
(the audience boos, hisses, and rudely tells Al to sit down)
Yeah, I love you too.
Shoe lights! Get your shoe lights! Fire sale! (sobs): Oh God!
S3 E20The Computer Show
What do I need a computer for?
News updates.
Newspaper.
Social events.
TV guide.
Recipes.
[placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.
Doctor's appointments.
Don't care.
I didn't marry a happy man.
No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.
Uh, Mom? Is this truly the end? 'Cuz, if it is, I'm not walking him.
Don't worry, honey. If Daddy the dog is anything like Daddy the man, he'll just tuck a newspaper under his paw and lock himself in a tree for an hour.
S3 E21Life's a Beach
Honey, take a picture of me so you can remember me when I was beautiful.
What, you're gonna get worse?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.