[bringing Francis back when he tries to leave] Get back in here, we are not having this argument again.
Let him go. [about Dewey] It's the little one who owes me his life.
Francis, everyone else in this family either has school or a job. So you're staying here and helping your grandmother.
I DON'T NEED HELP!!! Look at him, he's got nothing in between his legs and he manages.
If you think I'm beyond punching you, you're totally wrong.
Of course you'd hit a cripple. You couldn't get a white girl to marry you.
[Lois is frustrated that Francis and Ida have continued fighting.]
I don't care if you knew the end of that Star Trek episode. I didn't and you ruined it. You can't let anyone be happy!
Shut up, Monkey! Anyone with half-a-brain could see the rocks were alive!!!
S6 Chad's Sleepover
PG Pizza Guy
[to Hal] Oh, wait. This was supposed to be 12336. [looks at Hal] I bet you feel like a jackass.
S6 No Motorcycles
[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are being menaced by a thug, but they don't know who he's after]
God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?
Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike you super-glued to the train tracks!
We don't know that! You were pretty fast and loose with that dog-crap slingshot the other day! How do you know you didn't hit him?
[looks at Dewey] What about you ? How many people did you convince to buy those algebra pills?
You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time!
I suggested a rotating calendar years ago and you guys ignored me. And here we are!
Do men ever think about what's going to happen when they do these stupid things?
No, that's what's weird about men. They never do. I guarantee you, these two won't even think about the consequences of their actions until five minutes before they come home.
So, no matter how low I set the bar, he'll still find a way to crawl under it?
You still think there's a bar. That's so cute.
S6 Butterflies
[slamming his head against a locker] At what age do you just accept that your life is a piece of rotten garbage and always will be?
[on Reese's attachment to the caterpillars] Crap, I'm too late. You bonded with them, didn't you? Well welcome to my world! Now you're stuck with feelings of unjustified love for a bunch of mindless, ungrateful eating machines! Ha, ha, see how you like it! At least yours'll be dead in a month.
Throw them under the tarp with the old Playboys. And you'd better be a sullen jerk to me in front of your mother so she doesn't get wise!
[about Ida] She's lost her mind. She thinks she's back in her old village. I have to go up there.
Hal, she has one leg, she's demented, she could wander out on the freeway.
I thought we had agreed we'd take no extraordinary measures to prolong her life!
[After Ida introduces Lois to the ladies at her old folks' home]
M Marika
Is this the fat daughter, or the one who drinks?
No, this is the one with the halfwit factory between her legs.
Well, I don't know what to say. I planned on two days to get you into the home, two days to fight the court challenge, then I'd fly back Sunday. Now I'm stuck here! It's three hundred dollars just to change my ticket!
[Hal is yelling at a temporarily deaf Malcolm and Dewey, unknown to him, for having nearly let him be fatally crushed]
You think your dad being killed by a TV set is funny ? I'll tell you what's funny! Being grounded for the rest of your lives!
[aside to the camera] After about an hour, he managed to spit a piece of glass into my lap. You've got to admire that kind of perseverance.
Your children and your children's children will grow up grounded in this house!
[to camera] I can't understand a word he's saying, but judging by his expression, I probably shouldn't ask for the car this weekend.
Sorry I missed lunch. I was at the library and I forgot to look at the clock.
[interrupts] Do you think I'm an idiot?
Do you think I don't know where you've been?
You think I wouldn't recognize the signs? Clean fingernails, good posture, cookie crumbs in your pockets – you're never hungry at dinnertime. You're seeing another mom.
I don't know what you're talking about.
[Lois looks away with a hurt look on her face]
It doesn't mean anything! A couple weeks ago I stopped by her house, and she had her iron out. She was just so nice. And there was cake!
It'll be a long time before you get any cake around here.
After everything I've sacrificed for you, all I've done – you come waltzing in here day after day reeking of her fabric softener!
Yes! I like fabric softener! Mrs. Finnegan doesn't mind taking a little time to stop the rinse cycle, and maybe its nice to have someone that's got more to say to me than just "Clean your room", "comb your hair"…
[pauses] Do you love her?!
Of course not, it's just snacks.
Oh, you like her snacks. You like filling up on her cookies. You know they're store bought.
The question is will you be driving? Or just a passenger? Whenever you let somebody else drive, he might have errands to do. where do you think he will just stop.?
G3 guy 3
there's a place you can go to have your shoes treated so they won't smell over time
*writing down on whiteboard* so what do this all mean?
(quitely) it means nothing.
S6 Stilts
P Policeman
Are these your boys?
You little monsters! How dare you get into trouble again? After all your mother does for you?
F Mr. Flerch
: [after Chad bites his finger]: Ow! Now it's a matter for the police
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
