Uh, I got to go do some stuff. I think I might have left the blender on.
S1 E10Keeping Up With Our Joneses
[to Bobby] Bobby, smoking is a nasty, filthy filthy habit and only trailer trash smoke nowadays. Now do you wanna look like trailer trash?
That's not fair! I don't smoke! [she starts crying runs away in tears]
Ah, Lu- uh. Lord, Hank you finish this. Oh, honey, you are not trash just 'cause you grew up in a trailer and your mama's in prison.
Uh, Hank, there is a "tile" in the bathroom that I think we missed.
Really? Well, I better check that out.
[Hank goes into the bathroom, sees a cigarette, smokes a few puffs, then returns to the kitchen]
Heh-heh-heh. Well, I found the "tile" — thank you very much, Peggy — and I looked at it but there's still some more "tile" for you to look at.
You know, I think I will save the rest of my "tile" for after breakfast.
Will you stop talking about your stupid tile?! If it's so dirty go clean it, and if it's clean you can shut up!!
[He stubs out his breakfast sausage as if it were a cigarette and leaves the table]
[at a cold turkey support group meeting, glaring at the counselor] I got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass.
KBKick the Butt Club Counselor
Hey, there, why don't you tell us your name and how long you've been smoking.
Uh, I'd rather not.
KBKick the Butt Club Counselor
I understand. It's not easy to admit we're weak.
You're calling me weak?!? Look at your little birdy arms, they're no thicker than a cigarette! I could smoke them little arms!
KBKick the Butt Club Counselor
Is this your son? It's beautiful how you came out to support your daddy.
I'm a smoker, too.
Everyone gasps.
KBKick the Butt Club Counselor
Oh, no. How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?
Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.
Wait a minute, I didn't let him, I made him. It was a punishment.
[Everyone murmurs in anger, disgusted with Hank]
BDBill Dautrieve
Can I get a new buddy?
AMAudience member
What is wrong with him?
KBKick the Butt Club Counselor
You are sick, sir! You shouldn't be allowed to have children!
Now hold on a minute here. I didn't bring my family here to be yelled at. I don't think I like this club. You all whine too much, and the coffee's bad. I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to take a thirteenth step... down off your high horse!
Here's to three of the bravest individuals in all of Arlen. To the Hills and their tobacco-free future!
My God, are you still talking?!
Why's my potato got skin on it? I hate skin!
I will not sit here and have my work insulted! What, do you think the potatoes just fly into the bowl and mash themselves?!!
I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words. It's just the nicotine withdrawal.
Why is she still talking?!!
[after finding Peggy hiding in the closet with a cigarette] I found her.
Close the damn door!! Can't you see that I am knitting!!
Mom. Hand over the cigarette!
Nooooo!
Mom this is not your son, this is your buddy!
NOOOOO!!
Hand it over!!
[locking the family in the bedroom] I'm crating ya'll in like an unruly dog. I am sick of dysfunctional families. I came from one, and I am not gonna let it happen to you. Function!! Function damn you!!!
Okay. Women and children first. I take the first puff, Bobby here get's the second, if there's anything left...you.
Who are you trying to kid? We all know there won't be anything left. Lets you and me split it Peg! It'll be romantic! You know like the old days, before he came along!
Momma. It's your son. Nine months inside remember? Those were good times too!
I don't know. Now this is just happening too fast, I just don't know.
Well I do! Come on Bobby, you and I can take her! You go high, I'll go low!
Well, look at us. At each other's throats. And after all we've been through. This family has survived fires and twisters and every strain of flu the Orient could throw at us. Well, we are not going to be done in by a lousy tobacco leaf. We're gonna make it. Together.
S1 E11King of the Ant Hill
Put on shoes, hillbilly!
Where I come from we got this thing called karma. You do something bad, it come back and bite you in the ass! Big, white, stubborn ass!
(Hypnotized by the Queen)...YES... ...MY... ...QUEEN...
(on his mower, talking to an anthill) Put your head between your six legs and kiss your butt good-bye! (runs over the anthill)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's King of the Hill pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.