King of the Hill quotes

In my day, the principal was the meanest sum-bitch God ever put on one leg. He'd lean on a desk with both hands, and swing his leg at ya! Then, when you were standing there shocked that a one-legged man had kicked ya...he'd bite ya!

Bobby Hill

The clock radio smells like my Game Boy, but it tastes like my library card. I wonder if it smells different when it's on...

Dale

You're not doing it right!

Joseph

He got my bible wet!

Hank

Is there anything beer can't do?

Bill

[to mailbox] Just me and you, mailbox. [pours beer into the mailbox]

Dale

Hank! Boomhauer and me are shaved! Are you shaved yet, Hank?

Hank

[attempting to remove his tattoo] Dang it! How could this be here? Get off me!

Can anyone tell me what color this is?

(together) White.

How 'bout this one?

(together) Black.

(cheerfully) Very good. Did you know that God created all the colors and loves them all equally? That's why he puts them in the same box.

Yeah/Mm-hmm.

(sternly) Unfortunately, there are some people in this world who would prefer to keep white crayons in their own box, separate from the other crayons.

Dale Gribble

Look at all those pests out there. I wonder if we'll ever win this war.

Don't you just find the mating habits of animals fascinating? When a pigeon wants to mate, it makes this noise. Coo. Coo.

Dale Gribble

Interesting. When cockroaches want to mate, they flush all the air out their book gloves. It sounds kinda like (wheeze).

Coo. Coo.

Dale Gribble

(wheeze)

Well, it's getting late. You want to go downstairs. I got us a room, I'm warming up some brandy in the coffeemaker.

Dale Gribble

Wait a second. Are you attempting to... know me?

Dale, you're one of the sweetest, gentlest, funniest men I've ever met.

Dale Gribble

True, but Sheila, I'm married.

It's just us tonight. (She tries to kiss Dale)

Dale Gribble

Oh no, Missy. There are 3 people here tonight. You, me, and my wife. I've taken two oaths in my life: One to the NRA, and the other to Nancy Hicks-Gribble. Nay, Nancy Hicks. I stood in front of God and all my friends, swearing to be an honorable and truthful man. So I'm not going to lie, I, I have felt a very small, insect-like attraction for you. But my wife is the greatest woman there ever was! I think you should go. (Sheila leaves) (pigeons cooing) Jeez, woman, take a hint. (turns to see the pigeon cooing. believing the pigeon is propositioning him) You heard me. I love my wife.

Hank

Damn it, Dale. You got to stop painting your house number on my curb!

Hank

[trying to divert Bobby's interest away from witchcraft] This is a carburetor. Take it apart, put it back together, repeat until you're normal.

Hank

[to Boomhauer] I never thought I'd have to drag you into the garage like I do with Bill and Dale!

Hank

[Goes to talk to Boomhauer] Now, Boomhauer, as a man, I'm obligated of salvaging our friendship of over 30 years, by asking you some tough questions. [Boomhauer, after a moment, nods] Do you love Kathryn Hester?

Boomhauer

Yo, man.

Hank

And does the thought of Patch marrying her tear you up inside?

Boomhauer

...Yo, man.

Hank

And did you hire those women of...'easy virtue' to frame Patch and to break up the wedding?

Boomhauer

[stares down Hank for a long moment] NO, man.

Hank

...Oh, Boomhauer, I am so sorry for doubting you. But wait a minute, if you didn't hire them, then...[Gasps] Craig T?! Oh, God, Patch knew all along!

Boomhauer

Damn straight, man. Now, talkin' 'bout, you know, do-don't get hurt fallin' off that dang ol' high horse, man!

Hank

Boomhauer, I deserve all that and more, but right now, I need to get to the rehearsal dinner and set things right. I'll give Patch the 'happy ending' he deserves, I tell you what!

Bill

Does this suit smell like embalming fluid to you?

[At the rehearsal dinner] Look, there Boomhauer! We get good fight, it make up for cash bar!