Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Luanne Platter

Yeah, there's nothing worse than people not respecting you. Every time I get hooted at I have to take an hour of Tae Bo.

Hank Hill

"Tae Bo", is that that new oriental way of moving your couch around?

Hank Hill

(after Luanne explains Tae-Bo): Oh, it's dancing.

Bobby Hill

Hmm. That sounds --

Hank Hill

No.

Luanne Platter

Guess who I ran into at the gym... Buck Strickland! He watched me do Tae Bo and he thinks I'd be a great boxer!

Hank Hill

Look, Luanne, I fought at the Y and trust me, you are no boxer.

Luanne Platter

Yea-huh. Friday at midnight in the bathroom at Sugarfoots, and I am going to stand up and fight and be respected just like you said.

Hank Hill

Luanne, the kind of women that box don't have 50 stuffed animals on their bed. Why don't you spend Friday night watching one of those movies you like, where the people fall in love and then one of them dies?

Well, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Dale--something seems different about you.

Dale Gribble

Something IS different, Bill. I had a vision. I'm an Indian now.

Oh.

Dale Gribble

I've always wondered why I hated the federal government or loved tobacco with such passion. But now it all makes sense!

Hank Hill

Okay Time Out, Sitting Jackass! Have you looked in the mirror lately? You are the God-dang whitest person I've ever seen!

Dale Gribble

I AM THE ALBINO BUFFALO! Deal with it!

Dale Gribble

I see the Buffalo, I see the Indian! (slows down) I am the Indian. (snoring)

Hank Hill

(groans) Dang it.

Joseph Gribble

Dad, where the Hell are you? DAD!

Bobby Hill

Your dad's not coming. He's rolling around on the ground and eating bark and my dad is screaming, "Dang it!" a lot.

Joseph Gribble

This trip is so... SUCKS! You know what the land is tell me? WRECK STUFF!

Bobby Hill

What are YOU DOING?!? THAT'S YOUR DAD'S SLEEPING BAG!

Joseph Gribble

HA! HA! LOOK AT IT BURN!

Hank

[Goes to talk to Boomhauer] Now, Boomhauer, as a man, I'm obligated of salvaging our friendship of over 30 years, by asking you some tough questions. [Boomhauer, after a moment, nods] Do you love Kathryn Hester?

Boomhauer

Yo, man.

Hank

And does the thought of Patch marrying her tear you up inside?

Boomhauer

...Yo, man.

Hank

And did you hire those women of...'easy virtue' to frame Patch and to break up the wedding?

Boomhauer

[stares down Hank for a long moment] NO, man.

Hank

...Oh, Boomhauer, I am so sorry for doubting you. But wait a minute, if you didn't hire them, then...[Gasps] Craig T?! Oh, God, Patch knew all along!

Boomhauer

Damn straight, man. Now, talkin' 'bout, you know, do-don't get hurt fallin' off that dang ol' high horse, man!

Hank

Boomhauer, I deserve all that and more, but right now, I need to get to the rehearsal dinner and set things right. I'll give Patch the 'happy ending' he deserves, I tell you what!

Dale Gribble

So it turns out I'm not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e. I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies.

Hank Hill

Dale, that's asinine, and here's four reasons why. First, you're not gonna clone a super-warrior out of a guy who can't even win a thumb-wrestling match.

Dale

But, I...

Hank

Two, you've spent your life swearing that the robots will eliminate the clones by the year 2010, so which is it, robots or clones?

Dale

I suppose...

Hank

Three, you've already said you sympathize with the invading Mongolians of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight them. And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.

Peggy

Hank, there's something I have to tell you.

Hank

You did what?!

Minh! Come quick! Hank and Peggy having old-school red-neck domestic squabble on front lawn!

Hank

How could you, Peggy?

Oh, I bet she burn the meat loaf!

Hank

It caused what?

Why he point at his crotch like that?

Hank

20% shrinkage?! You want me to put a patch on my what?!

OK, this going in a weird direction now.

Hank

I'll kick your fat bull ass! Come on! [headbutt Dale's face]

Dale

Ow!

HELP WANTED

Hank

Okay team, gather 'round. I'm going to tell you about the new improvements on the Vogner 2800 series. The first thing is that it will smoke your meat. And it's got a nice big rack for your buns.

Or wieners.

Hank

Or wieners. Why not?

Feels good to say "wieners" again.

And sausage.

Dale

Pirate. Waiter. Pirate waiter!

Hank

He's supposed to be gay, Dale.

Dale

Really? I don't see it!

Bill

Gee, Hank. How's it feel to be the father of a genius?

Hank

Bobby's a good kid, but he's no genius. We have the report card to prove it. And since when is pop culture a considered "academic"?

Dale

It's a very big deal, Hank. Nowadays, you can't be an accredited college without offering a major in commercial jingles, or the films of M. Night Shaylamalamon.

How is your back, honey?

Hank Hill

Great Joe Jack, how is your gambling problem?

Hank

Score? Someone scored?

Lucky

Heck yeah. Aunt Peggy did.

Hank

Aunt Peggy?

Lucky

Yeah, she knocked out their blocker so Luanne could scoot past their jammer.

Bill

I'm so confused...

Lucky

See, your blockers stop the other teams' jammers. The pivot can block, jam, or counter-jam. Only the pivot or jammer can score.

Hank

But how do they score?

Lucky

No one really knows.

Bobby

[v.o.] Can you pick me up? I'm at the Mocha Bean!

Hank

The Mocha Bean? Right by the starting line?