Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Hank Hill

What's that smell?

Bobby Hill

[nervously] Nothing.

Hank Hill

Wait a minute. I know that smell. [Bobby gasps.] Fire!

Bobby Hill

(out of breath) Grandpa! Dad! Mom!... It was... it was ME! (remorsefully) It's all my fault! I ate the Lutefisk! I got sick in the bathroom! I lit the matches! I burned down the church! I let everyone blame Grandpa!...

I told you I didn't do it. Your boy is the Man with the Terrible Smell!

Hank Hill

(crestfallen sigh)

Peggy Hill

I knew it, I knew this was too good to be true.

Hank Hill

(sternly) Bobby, you are gonna march down that hall and tell the police everything. See if maybe they will spare your grandfather's life.

Bobby Hill

(resigned) Okay...

Nobody's goin' no place! Siddown Hank, Hank's Wife - (turns to Bobby) You too, Stinky!

Hank Hill

Hey, don't call him that!

(sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry! Did I hurt your feelings, Stinky?

Bobby Hill

Grandpa?

It don't feel so good, does it? Well, get used to it, 'cuz that's what everyone's gonna call you if you go blabbing to the po-lice...Stinky!

Peggy Hill

He's right. Oh Lord, and there are other names, too!

Hank Hill

Yeah, how 'bout "arsonist"? That's what they'll be calling him in State of Texas v. Bobby Hill!

Peggy Hill

So many names...what are we gonna do?

You'll do what I say is what are you gonna do. Now get the cops in here. Tell 'em I'm ready to confess.

Hank Hill

No, Dad, you can't!

I'm an old man, everybody already hates me. But Bobby, he's just a child; he's got his whole life ahead of him!

Peggy Hill

(moved) ...Cotton, do you know what you're saying?

If I can take a bullet for my grandson, I'll do it. But not in the face; that's how I make my livings.

Hank Hill

How you make your-?

(interrupting) Send 'em in!

I'm callin' him "Hank." I've always wanted a boy named Hank.

Hank Hill

Uh... Dad, Hank is my name.

Not anymore, I'm takin' it back! HE'S Hank!

Hank Hill

You can't take away a grown man's name.

All right, all right. I'm callin' him "Good Hank."

Hank Hill

Dad, this isn't right. If you call him Good Hank, it's gonna make it sound like I'm Bad Hank.

Well, you burnt my burgers, didn't you, B.H.?!?

We don't have money for all these fancy teaching aides... like wood.

Hank Hill

You know, the Carl Moss I knew wouldn'--

Give it a rest, Hank. All parents care about these days is zero-tolerance drug policies and literacy. "Why can't Johnny read?" "Why can't Johnny read?" God, that gets old.

Hank

But Carl, shop is the foundation of all learning. And I'll tell you what, a youngster with a tool in both hands has no hands left to do drugs.

(exasperated) They'll just put the tools down if they want to do the drugs bad enough.

Well, um, you see, uhh...

Hank

What?

Hank

(Reading the note) 'Mr. Hill, I just got my first period.' Bwaaaaah!

Bobby

Well, I need a window seat because this flower is wiltin'.

Hank

Oh, Lord. All right, everyone in the car now.

I live in a shack, I poop in an outhouse, I eat what I kill.

Hank Hill

There isn't a Mrs. Chappy, is there Chappy?

Luanne Platter

(sighs) Mr. Strickland's wife is beautiful.

Hank Hill

That's NOT his wife. That's Debbie from work. 'Pretty girl like that should have been able to get a date.

Hank Hill

The "S" stands for service. The "T" is for trust. (Mr. Strickland and Debbie make out) "R" is for reliability. (doors are heard opening and closing) Now the "I", that stands for...

Hank Hill

No, heh, heh. It's for integrity. That's not even the right letter.

Now, now Miz Liz. We're in public.

YOU ARE IN PUBLIC WITH THIS LITTLE BIMBO... IN FRONT OF HALF OUR CHRISTMAS CARD LIST! (notices Debbie's earrings) Are those my mother's earrings?!

Hank Hill

"C" is for compassion....

I WANT YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE!!

But Miz L...

AND OUT OF THE LAKE HOUSE!!

The lake house?

Please forgive me for stealing your thunder Hank. Please continue.

Hank Hill

Okay now, where was I?

"D" for done.

Bobby Hill

Dad! Dad, the police are lookin' for you!

Hank Hill

(whispering to himself) Oh, god! Debbie's hippie roommate turned me in for smokin' narcotics!

Peggy Hill

Haaaank!

Hank Hill

How long does it take Debbie to throw in a load of laundry? I really need to talk to her.

She should be right up. Debbie said you were gonna... HEYYYY!

Hank Hill

No, we were not. It was a trick.

Is $300 too much for a Hot Wheels VW Purple Evil Weevil?

Hank Hill

(sighs) Yeah, I could use one too.

Damn, the ebay auction closed. I lost my weevil.

Hank Hill

Dang it. Could I get a light off yours? Huh, that's a funny looking cigarette. You roll it yourself?

Yeah.

Hank Hill

You got a weak flame on this thing. (Hank breathes it and coughs) This isn't one of them clove cigarettes, is it?

No man. That's the chronic, from Mexico.

Hank Hill

Huh, damn NAFTA. It's clearly an inferior tobacco.

So, does your wife party too?

Hank Hill

Party? Uh, we throw a party for Fourth of July and Labor Day.

No, I mean party, you know. Get high. Get stoned.

Hank

BWAHHHHHHH!

Hank

(Hank realizes he's all alone and sighs. Then he sees Khan starting to build a fence.) Hey Khan. I thought I heard someone mixing concrete.

Oh, that's right. I'm building fence. Big fence. Eight feet tall between your house and my house.

Hank

Eight feet huh? Yeah, you see Khan, in this neighborhood, side fences have to be 5'6 or under. It's not in the code or anything, it's just something I'm trying to enforce.

You really want to help me, Hank Hill? You keep your dirty little boy's hands off my innocent genius daughter!

Hank

Now what's that supposed to mean?

Last night, I catch Bobby half-naked in Connie's room!

Hank

Bobby?!

The truth about your little boy not so pretty after all, is it, Hank Hill?! He girl-crazy sex-fiend!

Hank

(feigning outrage) Well, that boy's gonna get a talking to, I tell ya what! (Hank walks away and secretly laughs) Whew.

Peggy

Let's practice. I'll be Kahn. [clears throat] You are a dumb redneck!

Hank

That sounds more like Mihn.

Peggy

[still imitating Kahn] Well, leave my wife out of this hillbilly!

Hank

[chuckles] He, he. I wish they'd move.

Hank

Guess who's joining us for dinner?

Peggy

Dale and Nancy?

Hank

She already told you?

Peggy

[Surprised] Oh my god! Hank, I was joking!

Hank

Where do I register to run for the zoning board?

Fill out this form.

Hank

When will the election be?

There is no election. There has been a vacancy on the zoning board for the past three years. The seat is yours.

Bobby

We won!

Hank

No Bobby, Arlen won.