Bertie Wooster quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Bertie Wooster

This may well be it, Jeeves.

Jeeves

"It," sir?

Bertie Wooster

Pitching the woo, Jeeves. Not to rule out popping the question. The lights will be low, the wine will be flowing...

Jeeves

I'm sure I wish you every good fortune, sir. I only hope that the dog will not impede your endeavors.

Bertie Wooster

Patrick? Patrick will be warmly ensconced in your room, Jeeves.

Jeeves

It is, if you recall, sir, my evening off. I had promised myself a quiet evening with an improving book.

Bertie Wooster

Can't you spend an evening with an improving dog?

First you need a good long piece of string. You know what string is, don't you?

Bertie Wooster

Certainly, as in string.

Bertie Wooster

Er, right, yes! Er, well. Erm... oh, ah, yes! Now! Here's something that's often done me a bit of good, er, and it's something that not many people know. [the girls begin making faces again, and he pauses in confusion] Ah, yes, well, anyway. Erm — my uncle Henry gave me the tip when I first came to London. Er, "Never forget, my boy," he said, "that — er — that if you stand outside Romano's in the Strand, you can see the clock on the wall of the law courts down in Fleet Street." Now most people don't know this, wouldn't think it was possible, because there are a couple of hefty-looking churches in the middle of the road, and, er, you'd think they'd get in the way, but they don't! You can! And, er, it's, well, it's worth knowing. You can win a lot of money, he used to say, by betting on it with fellows who... who... who haven't found it out. [laughs nervously] And, by Jove, he was absolutely right. It-it really is a... a thing to remember. Yes, many's the quid I've won...

[clears her throat loudly] Perhaps, Mr. Wooster, a story might be in order, some anecdote to illustrate the benefits of hard work, study, and healthy living?

Bertie Wooster

A story! Right. Erm... never can remember stories. Oh! Yes, yes, here's one I heard recently. [laughs to himself] Erm... It seems that there was this chorus girl [the girls burst out laughing], and she met this stockbroker. And he said to her...

Bertie Wooster

Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?

Jeeves

Your definition is sadly near the truth, sir.

[reacting to soup splashed on his uniform from a dinner roll that Tuppy tossed to draw Bertie's attention] This is not the sort of behavior we allow on this ship!

Tuppy Glossop

[to Bertie, who's standing next to the captain] Who's the chap in the fancy dress?

Bertie Wooster

He's the captain. Nice fellow. Speaks very good French.

Tuppy Glossop

[to the captain, with affected upper-class accent] Eh, look, I'm terribly sorry, señor. Quel fromage and all that. [to Bertie, apparently not registering that the captain also speaks English] That'll hold him. They love it when you speak the old lingo.

Bertie Wooster

You've heard of limpets, Jeeves?

Jeeves

The gastropod mollusc of the genus Patella noted for adhering tightly to rocks, sir?

Bertie Wooster

Exactly, Jeeves. Well, this blasted Pershore seems to be noted for adhering tightly to Woosters. Can't get rid of the blighter. Just as I'm about to click with some toothsome filly, up pops Motty Pershore to enliven proceedings by standing at my elbow like a wet weekend at Chalfont St. Giles.

Bertie Wooster

She's a fair size, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Indeed, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Puts one in mind of Honoria Glossop in that white dress she used to wear at hunt balls.

Jeeves

The similarity is a striking one, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Now, Jeeves, why do you think they built all these tall buildings?

Jeeves

Well, sir, it was partly because of the restricted size of Manhattan Island and partly because the island is solid granite and therefore capable of supporting such structures.

Bertie Wooster

Nothing to do with having got the plans sideways, then.

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

That's what Barmy told me.

Jeeves

You will pardon me for saying so, sir, but Mr. Fotheringay-Phipps is not noted for his architectural expertise.

Bertie Wooster

You, er, ate something last night that disagreed with you, did you?

No. Nothing of the kind. I drank too much. Much too much. Lots and lots too much. And what's more, I'm going to do it again! I'm going to do it every night!

Bertie Wooster

Yes, well... yes, right. You see, the thing is, Motty — I'm sort of responsible for you, so to speak, and if you carry on like this I'm liable to end up neck-deep in the soup with your mother.

Well, I can't help your troubles, old thing. This is the first time in my life I've had the chance to yield to the temptations of a great city.

Bertie Wooster

Well, yes, but Motty—

No, old thing. All my bally life I've been cooped up in the ancestral home in Much Middlefold in Shropshire. And until you've been cooped up in Much Middlefold in Shropshire, you don't know what cooping is. This is my only chance to assemble a disreputable past, and I'm going to take it!

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, there's a dog in there!

Jeeves

That will be Rollo, sir. His Lordship [Wilmot Pershore] informed me that he purchased the animal from a Norwegian seaman.

Bertie Wooster

He tried to bite me!

Jeeves

No doubt in time the creature will learn to distinguish your peculiar scent, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What do you mean, "my peculiar scent"? Jeeves, I do not intend to hang about in my bedroom while life slips by, in the hope that one of these days some dratted animal will decide that I smell all right!

It's Bertie Wooster! Well, well, well!

Bertie Wooster

Well, well, well, yourself, old fruit.

Bertie Wooster

By the way, Jeeves, on no account do we agree to our staying here overnight.

Jeeves

Very good, sir. Might one inquire why?

Bertie Wooster

Because, Jeeves, of all places on this great planet of ours, West Neck, Long Island, has been chosen to be the most unexciting. The last time anything remotely interesting happened here was in 1842, when a tree fell over. They still talk about it in the village.

[running toward Bertie with paper in hand] Listen to this! Just listen to this!

Bertie Wooster

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

What?

Bertie Wooster

Can't a chap hang up his hat before he's read to?

Good Lord, I'd have to dress for dinner every night! I won't do it. I can't do it! Do you realize, I don't usually get out of my pajamas till five in the afternoon, and then I just put on a sweater, like this?

Bertie Wooster

Don't listen, Jeeves.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves?

Bertie Wooster

I'm sorry, Jeeves, you shouldn't have heard that. [pats Jeeves on the shoulder]

Jeeves

[recomposing himself] I shall be better directly, sir.

Jeeves

Good afternoon, madam.

[holding the handle of a mop] Don't you "good afternoon" me, I'm a respectable woman.

Jeeves

I have no reason to doubt it, madam. We are calling upon Mr. Bickersteth.

Next floor up. [as Jeeves and Bertie resume climbing the stairs] Hey, big fella. [Jeeves turns around] You're kinda cute, the way you talk.

Jeeves

Madam is too kind.

If you wanna come up and split a beer anytime...

Jeeves

Well, I shall certainly bear your generous invitation in mind if I am in the vicinity. Good afternoon, madam. [tips his hat, and he and Bertie hurry up the stairs]

Bertie Wooster

You seem to have made a bit of a conquest there, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Thank you, sir.

One burger medium, one rare, and one ham and eggs over easy. [to Jeeves] You wanna shake with that?

Jeeves

Thank you, no, I shall, er, just sit here quietly, I think.

[to Bertie] Is he being funny?

Bertie Wooster

No, he always talks like that. [to Jeeves] She means do you want a milkshake, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Oh! Thank you, no. A cup of coffee, if you please.

You got it. [walks away]

Jeeves

[looking around] Don't think I have....