Bertie Wooster quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, you seem to have a fatal fascination for the women of this country.

Jeeves

Yes, it is a problem, sir.

Bertie Wooster

There's no chance of your switching it off, or something, I suppose?

Jeeves

I regret not, sir. I have to learn to bear it.

Bertie Wooster

As do the rest of us, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Good morning, sir.

Bertie Wooster

I have the distinct feeling that I have only been asleep for ten minutes, Jeeves. What time is it?

Jeeves

Seven o'clock, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Seven o'clock?! Did I ask to be wakened three and a half hours before breakfast?

Bertie Wooster

Well, can't Jeeves think of anything?

He just hangs around saying, [imitating Jeeves] "most disturbing, sir." Fat lot of good that does.

Now look, I know it's a small part, but we're really looking for an Englishman to play it.

Bertie Wooster

No, I played Brutus at school once, and I was the one everybody stabbed.

It's always a pleasure to meet another jute man. I love jute. You see this model of a yellow-bellied sapsucker? Made entirely from jute.

Bertie Wooster

[softly] Good Lord. Huh!

This entire edifice you see around you... built on jute!

Bertie Wooster

Really? [stomps on floor, testing its durability, as he looks around room] Pretty useful stuff, then.

Jeeves

I am familiar with the name Bassington-Bassington, sir. There are the Shropshire Bassington-Bassingtons, the Hampshire Bassington-Bassingtons, and of course the Kent Bassington-Bassingtons.

Bertie Wooster

Ah. So the world's pretty well stocked up on Bassington-Bassingtons, then?

Jeeves

Tolerably so, sir.

Bertie Wooster

No chance of a sudden shortage, I mean, huh?

Jeeves

Presumably not, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, what do you think?

Jeeves

I only hope the poor creature died a peaceful death, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What? Oh, the coat, yes. It is rather snazzy, isn't it? No, I was referring to the moustache, the old soup strainer.

Jeeves

Very striking, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Rather Ronald Colman, I thought.

Jeeves

It was Lord Kitchener who sprang to mind on first sighting, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Blast it, Jeeves! I shall do what I like with my own upper lip.

Bertie Wooster

You know, Jeeves, in spite of the fact that we're being dragged back to Dear Old Blighty under somewhat ignominious circumstances by an enraged aunt, I shan't be sorry to go.

Jeeves

No indeed, sir. It will be a pleasure to be home.

Bertie Wooster

You see the ghastly position, Jeeves? What is going to happen when Gussie doesn't turn up at Deverill Hall? Madeline will make inquiries. You know what women are like for digging out the truth. And nothing puts an idealistic young girl off a fellow more than the news that he's doing fourteen days in chokey.

Jeeves

A very acute observation, sir.

Bertie Wooster

There can be but one result. Gussie will get the bum's rush, and the bowed figure you will see shambling down the aisle at Madeline Bassett's side, while the organ plays "The Voice That Breathed O'er Eden," will be Bertram Wilberforce Wooster.

Well, I don't see why.

Bertie Wooster

[sighs] Madeline Bassett labors under the delusion that I'm madly in love with her. Well, when a girl thinks you're in love with her and comes to you and says that she's returning her betrothed to store and is prepared to sign up with you instead, what can you do except marry her? One has to be civil.

Jeeves

[clears his throat] There is one possible solution, sir.

Bertie Wooster

[to Catsmeat] You see? "There is one possible solution, sir" — just like that. For your information, Catsmeat, Jeeves takes a size 14 hat, eats tons of fish and moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform. [to Jeeves] Speak, Jeeves.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, how could I ever doubt you?

Jeeves

I could not say, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What's all this about you not writing to Madeline?

Gussie Fink-Nottle

Madeline?

Bertie Wooster

Madeline! Do you realize she's started sending telegrams about it? For all our sakes, Gussie, write to her!

Gussie Fink-Nottle

I am not at all pleased with Madeline. It was she who made me come to this ghastly place. I only consented on the understanding that she'd come too. Then, at the last moment, she coolly backed out on the flimsy plea that some school friend of hers needs her. She must be made to realize she can't do that sort of thing. So I'm not going to write to her. It's a sort of a system.

Bertie Wooster

Gussie, for the last time, will you or will you not immediately compose an eight-page letter breathing love in every syllable and post it to Madeline?

Gussie Fink-Nottle

Not!

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, I'm sunk!

Jeeves

Well, sir, if Mr. Fink-Nottle will not write to Miss Bassett, perhaps you might write to her yourself.

Bertie Wooster

But she doesn't want to hear from me, Jeeves, she wants to hear from Gussie.

Jeeves

If it were indicated to Miss Bassett that Mr. Fink-Nottle had sprained his wrist and had to dictate a letter to you, sir...

I say, what a wheeze! You were right about him, Bertie.

Jeeves

Thank you, sir. [to Bertie] If you were to say that Mr. Fink-Nottle had given his wrist a nasty wrench while stopping a runaway horse and saving a little child from a hideous death, it might turn Mr. Fink-Nottle's taciturnity to your advantage, sir. A golden-haired child is usually best in such circumstances.

Bertie Wooster

You know, Jeeves, if someone were to come to me and ask if I'd be willing to join a society whose aim will be the suppression of aunts — or who will at least see to it that they are kept on a short chain and not permitted to roam at will, scattering desolation on all sides — I'd reply "Wilbraham" — if his name was Wilbraham, that is — "Wilbraham, put me down as a foundation member."

Jeeves

I'm sure such a society would not be lacking for subscribers, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Observe the time, Jeeves?

Jeeves

Yes indeed, sir, not yet half past three.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, perhaps you think it odd that I'm back from lunch at this unfashionably early hour.

Jeeves

It did occur to me to wonder, sir, whether there had been a conflagration at the Drones Club.

Bertie Wooster

Apparently that's what the song's all about. So on Barmy's recommendation, I rushed out and bought a copy. I now intend to give it a bit of a run-through on the piano.

Jeeves

Is that wise, sir, so soon after a heavy meal?

Bertie Wooster

I shall ignore that cheap gibe, Jeeves.