Bertie Wooster quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Bertie Wooster

Well, let me tell you, Mr. Mangelhoffer, that the man that hath no music in himself is fit for... hang on a minute. [goes into the other room, where Jeeves is peeling potatoes] Jeeves, what was it Shakespeare said the man that hadn't music in himself was fit for?

Jeeves

Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir.

Bertie Wooster

[returning] Treasons, stratagems, and spoils.

What?

Bertie Wooster

That's what he's fit for, the man that hath no music in himself.

And this is my friend Bertie Wooster.

[frowning] Wooster!

[smiling] Well, well, well! Old Colonel Wooster in person. [walks over to Bertie]

Bertie Wooster

Oh, well, you know....

Well, sir, this has certainly made my day, you little blob of sunshine. [tweaks Bertie's cheek, then takes him by the arm] Isn't he looking lovely, Father?

Come away from that man, Pauline. That man is bad news!

Bertie Wooster

[referring to Marmaduke "Chuffy" Chuffnell] Well, no one would say that "Marmaduke" was a beautiful name, wantonly and without good reason.

[sighs] All right. Less of the Sherlock stuff. I'm not trying to hide anything.

Bertie Wooster

Uh-huh. And you love this, um — [chuckles] excuse me — this Marmaduke?

I'm dippy about him, Bertie. Don't you just worship the way his hair sort of fluffs up at the back?

Bertie Wooster

My dear girl, I have better things to do than go about staring at the back of Chuffy's head. The front's bad enough.

Bertie Wooster

Well, there's only one thing for it, Jeeves: Chuffy must be shoved over the brink.

Jeeves

I do not quite follow you, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What he needs is a jolt. If he thought that there was a grave danger of some other bloke scooping her up, well, wouldn't that make him forget those dashed silly ideas of his and charge ahead, breathing fire through the nostrils?

Jeeves

Jealousy is undoubtedly a powerful motivating energy, sir.

Bertie Wooster

And what about the oof situation?

The what?

Bertie Wooster

The oof, the dibs, the do-re-mi, the happy cabbage, the oil of palm.

Yes, yes, I do speak English.

She must have had a wonderful time being engaged to you. What on earth made her accept you, I wonder.

Bertie Wooster

Do you know, I once consulted a knowledgeable pal, and his theory was that the sight of me hanging around like a loony sheep awoke the maternal instinct in woman. There may be something in this.

Bertie Wooster

I blame you for this, Jeeves.

Jeeves

With respect, sir, I merely intended Mr. Stoker to discover his daughter at your cottage. So strongly does he disapprove of you that I expected him to look more kindly on Miss Stoker's putative engagement to Lord Chuffnell. The fact that His Lordship should also discover her here, and in mortal peril, was, as the Americans say, pure gravy.

What had you done to those people, Bertie?

Bertie Wooster

I was once engaged to their daughter.

Ah.

Jeeves

Foreign travel often liberates emotions best kept in check, sir, and the air of North America is notoriously stimulating in this regard, as witness the regrettable behavior of its inhabitants in 1776.

Bertie Wooster

What happened in 1776, Jeeves?

Jeeves

I prefer not to dwell on it, if it's convenient to you, sir.

Jeeves

Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope made frequent re—

Bertie Wooster

Oh, never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn't.

Jeeves

Very true, sir.

These are serious charges. But I'm inclined to believe that you, Alfred Trotsky, and you, Frederick Aloisius Lenin, were led astray. You are discharged. But as for the rest of you — Boko Disraeli, Oofy Lloyd George, Barmy Lord Tennyson and the rest — not only have you been guilty of a breach of the peace of considerable magnitude, I also strongly suspect that you have given false names and addresses! You are each fined the sum of five pounds.

Bertie Wooster

I say!

Quiet, Dr. Crippen!

Tuppy

You know she has given me the push!

Bertie Wooster

No!

Tuppy

She has! Simply because I was man enough to speak out candidly on the subject of a ghastly hat she was chump enough to buy. Fwuh!

Bertie Wooster

What do you mean, fwuh?

Tuppy

All I said was, it made her look like a raccoon peering out from underneath a flower pot. Which it did.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, well they're not all too keen on fearless honesty, I find.

Tuppy

Well, your cousin Angela certainly isn't.

Bertie Wooster

Not about hats, anyway.

Bertie Wooster

You know that play — oh, what was its dashed name — the one I saw last night.

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

It's on at the whatcha-call-it. Anyway, the hero's a chap who is buzzing along through life, you know, quite merry and bright, apart from his gammy leg from the war. And all of a sudden, this kid turns up, and says that she's his daughter ... left over from act one. And it's absolutely the first he's ever heard of it! So obviously, there's a bit of a fuss, and they say to him what ho, and he says what ho. And ... anyway, he takes the kid, and they go off together, out into the world!

Jeeves

Very inspiring, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes well, I thought so, yes.

Bertie Wooster

I mean to say, Jeeves — if a girl can't, in the course of ordinary everyday conversation, tell a chap to go and boil his head without said chap turning to the arms of another, well, I mean, where are we, Jeeves?

Jeeves

Where indeed, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What on earth's the matter, Jeeves? Jeeves?

Jeeves

[coughs] I apologize, sir. It was unforgivable of me. I shall be better directly. It's just... Mr. Little's tie, sir. It has... little horseshoes on it, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Oh yes, yes, I noticed that.

Jeeves

It's sometimes difficult just to shrug these things off, sir.