Tuppy Glossop quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Tuppy

Guess what? I'm going to the opera tonight.

Bertie Wooster

Opera, Tuppy?

Tuppy

Cora's singing in the, um, Barber of Figaro.

Bertie Wooster

Is that the one about the pyramids?

Sounds like it, by the name.

Tuppy

I've never been to the opera before. Would you like to come with me, Bertie?

Bertie Wooster

Ahh, well…. [They eventually see Le nozze di Figaro, a k a The Marriage of Figaro.]

Bertie Wooster

Tuppy, old man!

Tuppy Glossop

It's no good saying "Tuppy, old man"!

Bertie Wooster

Well, I do say "Tuppy, old man"! One is... one is shocked; one raises the eyebrows! Where is the fine old chivalrous spirit of the Glossops?

Tuppy

Well, where is the sweet, gentle, womanly spirit of the Angelas? Telling a chap he's getting a double chin!

Bertie Wooster

Now be fair, Tuppy. Remember the time you told her that new hat made her look like a Pekinese?

Tuppy

Yes, well. Did make her look like a Pekinese. But that wasn't vulgar abuse, just sound, constructive criticism.

Bertie Wooster

During that sojourn in Cannes, my affections were engaged elsewhere.

Tuppy Glossop

What?

Bertie Wooster

My affections. Engaged elsewhere, during that sojourn.

Tuppy

[angrily] Well, who was she?

Bertie Wooster

My dear Tuppy, does one bandy a woman's name?

Tuppy

One does if one doesn't want one's ruddy head pulled off! [approaches menacingly]

Bertie Wooster

Well, yes, right, yes, well, obviously this is a...a special case. Madeline Bassett.

Tuppy

[astonished] You're in love with that weird Gawd-help-us Bassett!?

Bertie Wooster

Well, I don't think you should call her a weird Gawd-help-us, Tuppy. Odd in some of her views, perhaps. One does not quite see eye-to-eye with her in the matter of stars and bunny rabbits. But not a weird Gawd-help-us.

Tuppy

And you stick to it that you're in love with her?

Bertie Wooster

It is not twenty-four hours since she turned me down.

Tuppy Glossop

Turned you down?

Bertie Wooster

Like a bedspread. In this very garden. So, you'll see, I can't be the chap, if any, who stole Angela from you in Cannes.

Tuppy Glossop

Well, because your affections were engaged elsewhere...

Bertie Wooster

During that sojourn.

Tuppy

Hmm, I see. All right then. Sorry to have troubled you.

Tuppy

You know she has given me the push!

Bertie Wooster

No!

Tuppy

She has! Simply because I was man enough to speak out candidly on the subject of a ghastly hat she was chump enough to buy. Fwuh!

Bertie Wooster

What do you mean, fwuh?

Tuppy

All I said was, it made her look like a raccoon peering out from underneath a flower pot. Which it did.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, well they're not all too keen on fearless honesty, I find.

Tuppy

Well, your cousin Angela certainly isn't.

Bertie Wooster

Not about hats, anyway.

[reacting to soup splashed on his uniform from a dinner roll that Tuppy tossed to draw Bertie's attention] This is not the sort of behavior we allow on this ship!

Tuppy Glossop

[to Bertie, who's standing next to the captain] Who's the chap in the fancy dress?

Bertie Wooster

He's the captain. Nice fellow. Speaks very good French.

Tuppy Glossop

[to the captain, with affected upper-class accent] Eh, look, I'm terribly sorry, señor. Quel fromage and all that. [to Bertie, apparently not registering that the captain also speaks English] That'll hold him. They love it when you speak the old lingo.

Tuppy Glossop

What about the money you owe me?

I don't owe you one goddamn red cent! My wife looked up your cockamamie soup in a cookbook!

Tuppy Glossop

It's Cock-a-Leekie! And my nanny never wrote a cookbook.

She didn't have to! It's in every cookbook from here to Vladivostok!