Jeeves quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Jeeves

I was sent by the agency, sir. I was given to understand that you required a valet.

Jeeves

[to the "Boost for Birdsburg" conventioneers] Will it redound to the good name of Birdsburg, gentlemen, if it is printed in every newspaper in the land that you, the town's representatives, were mousetrapped by a pair of suede-shoe feather merchants?

Jeeves

In my experience, ladies who spell "Gwladys" with a "w" are seldom noted for their reliability, sir. It gives them romantic notions.

Jeeves

[training the baby] No, you must say "kiss Tuppy"... I'm sorry, unless you comply with our wishes in this matter, no more toffees will be forthcoming.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, I have to make one thing crystal clear.

Jeeves

Yes, sir?

Bertie Wooster

I am not one of those fellows who become absolute slaves to their valets.

Jeeves

[as if shocked] No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Just as long as we understand each other.

Jeeves

Perfectly, sir.

Bertie Wooster

You bally well are informed, Jeeves! Do you know everything?

Jeeves

[hesitates] I really don't know, sir.

Jeeves

Pardon me for asking, sir, but are you proposing to appear in public in those garments?

Bertie Wooster

Well, certainly, Jeeves. What — a bit vivid, do you think?

Jeeves

Not necessarily, sir. I am told that Mr. Freddie "He's a Riot" Flowerdew often appears on the music-hall stage in comparable attire.

Bertie Wooster

[having just finished playing "Forty-Seven Ginger-Headed Sailors"] Really speaks to me, that song, you know, Jeeves.

Jeeves

I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Tell me, Jeeves, were you always like this, or did it come on suddenly?

Jeeves

Sir?

Bertie Wooster

The brain, the gray matter. Were you an outstandingly brilliant child?

Jeeves

My mother thought me intelligent, sir.

Bertie

Well, can't go by that. My mother thought me intelligent.

Bertie Wooster

[about the song "Good Night, Vienna"] I mean, fancy writing a song about saying good night to a whole city. I mean, you may as well say, "Good Afternoon, Manchester" or "Fancy Bumping Into You, Basingstoke."

Jeeves

Yes, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Or "I Didn't See You at the Club Last Night, Cleethorpes."

Bertie Wooster

You look positively animated, Jeeves!

Jeeves

[straightening his jacket] I'm sorry, sir.

Jeeves

The boy is a flyer, sir.

Bertie Wooster

How do you know?

Jeeves

I happened to be pursuing him this morning with a view to fetching him a clip on the side of the head.

Bertie Wooster

Great Scott, Jeeves! You?

Jeeves

The lad is of an outspoken disposition, sir, and had made an opprobrious remark respecting my appearance.

Bertie Wooster

What did he say about your appearance?

Jeeves

[coldly] I do not recall, sir. But it was opprobrious.

Jeeves

[waking him up] Good morning, Mr. Wooster.

Bertie Wooster

What? What's the time?

Jeeves

Ten past nine, sir.

Bertie Wooster

[irritated] Ten past nine!? Is the building on fire?

Jeeves

Not that I've been informed, sir, no.

Bertie Wooster

I can't understand Gussie Fink-Nottle being in London, Jeeves. Till now he's always remained glued to the country, completely surrounded by newts.

Jeeves

Sir?

Bertie Wooster

[speaking to doorman] Morning, Jarvis. [turning again to Jeeves] Newts. You know, Jeeves, those little lizard-y things that charge about in ponds.

Jeeves

Ah, yes, sir. The aquatic members of the family Salamandridae that constitute the genus Molge.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, they're the chaps.

Bertie Wooster

Well, I must confess, Jeeves, that until you supplied this information, I had definite doubts about Gussie's chances. But now, hope begins to dawn. He's just the sort of chap that Madeline Bassett might scoop up with a spoon.

Jeeves

This is indeed good news, sir.

Bertie Wooster

I wouldn't go so far as to say she actually writes poetry, but when a girl suddenly asks you out of a clear blue sky if you don't think that the stars are "God's daisy chain," well, I mean, you do begin to wonder, Jeeves.

Jeeves

[clears throat] Indeed, sir.