Jeeves and Wooster · Season 2, Episode 6
“Jeeves the Matchmaker” · Season 2, Episode 6
In this episode: Bertie Wooster (8), Jeeves (5), Tuppy Glossop (1)
[Tuppy, speaking of a rift in his relationship with Angela Travers]
You know she has given me the push!
No!
She has! Simply because I was man enough to speak out candidly on the subject of a ghastly hat she was chump enough to buy. Fwuh!
What do you mean, fwuh?
All I said was, it made her look like a raccoon peering out from underneath a flower pot. Which it did.
Yes, well they're not all too keen on fearless honesty, I find.
Well, your cousin Angela certainly isn't.
Not about hats, anyway.
You know that play — oh, what was its dashed name — the one I saw last night.
No, sir.
It's on at the whatcha-call-it. Anyway, the hero's a chap who is buzzing along through life, you know, quite merry and bright, apart from his gammy leg from the war. And all of a sudden, this kid turns up, and says that she's his daughter ... left over from act one. And it's absolutely the first he's ever heard of it! So obviously, there's a bit of a fuss, and they say to him what ho, and he says what ho. And ... anyway, he takes the kid, and they go off together, out into the world!
Very inspiring, sir.
Yes well, I thought so, yes.
I mean to say, Jeeves — if a girl can't, in the course of ordinary everyday conversation, tell a chap to go and boil his head without said chap turning to the arms of another, well, I mean, where are we, Jeeves?
Where indeed, sir.
[Jeeves is in the kitchen recovering from a momentary panic attack]
What on earth's the matter, Jeeves? Jeeves?
[coughs] I apologize, sir. It was unforgivable of me. I shall be better directly. It's just... Mr. Little's tie, sir. It has... little horseshoes on it, sir.
Oh yes, yes, I noticed that.
It's sometimes difficult just to shrug these things off, sir.
This may well be it, Jeeves.
"It," sir?
Pitching the woo, Jeeves. Not to rule out popping the question. The lights will be low, the wine will be flowing...
I'm sure I wish you every good fortune, sir. I only hope that the dog will not impede your endeavors.
Patrick? Patrick will be warmly ensconced in your room, Jeeves.
It is, if you recall, sir, my evening off. I had promised myself a quiet evening with an improving book.
Can't you spend an evening with an improving dog?
First you need a good long piece of string. You know what string is, don't you?
Certainly, as in string.
[Bertie tries to address a girls' school as the students keep making faces at him]
Er, right, yes! Er, well. Erm... oh, ah, yes! Now! Here's something that's often done me a bit of good, er, and it's something that not many people know. [the girls begin making faces again, and he pauses in confusion] Ah, yes, well, anyway. Erm — my uncle Henry gave me the tip when I first came to London. Er, "Never forget, my boy," he said, "that — er — that if you stand outside Romano's in the Strand, you can see the clock on the wall of the law courts down in Fleet Street." Now most people don't know this, wouldn't think it was possible, because there are a couple of hefty-looking churches in the middle of the road, and, er, you'd think they'd get in the way, but they don't! You can! And, er, it's, well, it's worth knowing. You can win a lot of money, he used to say, by betting on it with fellows who... who... who haven't found it out. [laughs nervously] And, by Jove, he was absolutely right. It-it really is a... a thing to remember. Yes, many's the quid I've won...
[clears her throat loudly] Perhaps, Mr. Wooster, a story might be in order, some anecdote to illustrate the benefits of hard work, study, and healthy living?
A story! Right. Erm... never can remember stories. Oh! Yes, yes, here's one I heard recently. [laughs to himself] Erm... It seems that there was this chorus girl [the girls burst out laughing], and she met this stockbroker. And he said to her...
Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?
Your definition is sadly near the truth, sir.
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