TV show quotes
[In an effort to prove his case, Charlie calls the McPoyle patriarch, Pappy McPoyle, to the stand]
Pappy McPoyle, patriarch of the McPoyle family. Royal was your pet bird. You've had him since you were a boy. And isn't it true that you never go anywhere without him?
[inexplicably sobbing hysterically to start off] I HAVE SEEN... RACOONS AND OYSTERS... DANCING ON THE HEAD OF A PIN WITH THE ANGELS! THEY ARE LAUGHING!
If we want to make money, we need to honor ancient Irish traditions, like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people who are genetically pre-disposed to having alcohol problems. You see, Saint Patrick started that tradition, and that's why we celebrate him today.
Yea- no! That's not what he did! No, he-he played the flute for some kids, and then he lured them into a cave somewhere and he diddled them.
Nah, you got him mixed up with the Pied Piper.
Right.
Saint Patrick didn't play the flute. He drove the kids out of Ireland... and then he molested them.
No, no, if- if Saint Patrick molested kids, he would be regarded as a scoundrel.
No, no, no. I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church, pedophiles were regarded as heroes.
You wanna go get a flute? Go get a flute. Yeah, go get- go get a flute! Everybody go get a flute!
Heyoooooo! Check it out, Mac, got some cool stuff! I got some green paint aaaand I found a snake.
Great! Why?
You know, the snakes 'cause, like, we... I don't remember where we landed on St. Paddy, but I remember snakes were involved. And the green paint's for the, uh, beer.
Okay, love the snake. Great catch there, but why not just use food coloring for the beer?
Uh, 'cause beer's not a food? When was the last time you ate a beer?
When was the last time you drank paint?
[beat]
Have you been drinking paint?
...Nah.
Let me see your tongue. (Charlie sticks out his green tongue) Oh my God, dude! Oh, that shit's- that's disgusting!
It's not that bad.
You- you can't drink paint!
I know. I- I hear ya, I hear ya.
You say that, but I think that you're going to stop.
Yeah. I get it though, man, it's uh... right.
I- I feel like you're saying you get it, but you don't get it.
It's cool.
It's not cool.
It is what it is-
Oh my God, this is so frustrating!
Look, I'm gonna go down to the basement and I'm gonna check out my glue traps and see if I, y'know... get a leprechaun in there.
Wait, no, no, no, no. Wha-? We said no leprechaun this year, you're not chasing leprechauns.
I know, and I kinda forgot where we landed on that. I got these great cookie sheets, they're filled with glue, so... but I hear you. I hear you. It's a frustrating thing, it's like the guy doesn't listen to us, man, where we're trying to get through to him. It's a bummer.
Welcome to my first ever dinner party! I'm gonna have lots of these types of functions in the future - y'know, with my new lifestyle.
Wow, you're really just diving right into that, huh? Stereotypes and all.
Guys, we're gonna have an imaginary meal! I read about this. Yes, if you truly believe it, then it will make you full.
Can I have a broad with me, with big tits?
No, because that's gonna force us to imagine stuff we don't want to imagine.
Good point.
So, get rid of my dog?
Yeah, no dogs.
(kicking) Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!
Don't kick it-
Kick in his skull! We do not allow dogs in our house, right, Dennis?
Wh- our house? Why is it our house-
Okay, now let's get started. Let me set the scene: the food. The menu!
Paint a nice picture for us, alright? I'm starving!
Alright, we're gonna start with, like, a big hunk of chicken. Y'know, like... boiled and skinless, or whatever.
Huh.
Okay...
And then, um, you're gonna want brown with the white, right? So like, maybe, like... some brown rice? No, no butters or seasoning.
Really?
I want mashed potatoes.
No! No mashed potatoes, that's just empty carbs.
Why can't we just imagine whatever we want?
Because this is my dinner party!
Well, then take us there!
Alright! Okay, everyone's got something to drink.
Is it a milkshake?
No, not milkshakes... Gatorade. And it's gonna be my favorite flavor: blue.
"Blue" is not a flavor. How am I gonna taste blue?
Well, just imagine what blue tastes like!
It, it tastes like blue.
Let's just dig in.
Can we eat?
Yeah, can we eat? Alright.
(They pretend to eat)
That's kind of tough. D- did you overcook this?
No, I didn't cook it at all.
Y- y-?! (spits out) Spit it out! It's raw, you're going to get sick! Spit it out!
No, no, don't spit it out! What are you guys doing, you don't need to spit it out! For the love of G- just imagine that it tastes good, okay? Look at Dennis, see?
Oh, I'm not imagining your meal. No, I'm imagining a lovely coq au vin... braised with lardons and mushrooms.
I want that!
Well, then have it! It's right in front of you, as is your buxom date, Frank.
Ah, come here baby-
Hey, heeeeeey, she got her foot in my raw chicken! Get your hooker's foot out of my chicken, dude!
Alright, relax, nobody's dying.
That's right, just listen to Charlie. He seems to have his head straight. Calm down-
'Cuz we're already dead.
...Come again?
Oh, I figured it out. We're dead, we died... and I don't know when it happened. It might've- it might've happened on the cruise ship, it might've happened on the drive to the cruise ship - you were going awful fast, Dennis. I don't know, maybe it happened weeks ago at the bar, some sort of... colossal and awesome event, I would imagine, but we're dead! And we're in hell, we're just being toyed with, here! Or- or maybe we're not in hell yet, maybe this is purgatory, and we're on our way to be judged. And soon, oh boy... ha ha, yeah, soon we'll really be in hell, won't that be something...
Charlie, calm down. It's g- it's gonna be fine, okay? We can't be freaking out every five minutes. Now, look... if we work together, everything's going to be fine! We're gonna get out of here!
Nah. We're already dead. I'll prove it. (points flare gun at his head and fires)
That’s weird, because the situation really isn’t funny.
I know, but the laughing tells me when it’s funny.
Having those other people laugh tells me when I should laugh.
And the music I added makes you know that it’s light!
You know what, Chet. Can I say something?
I think you've said enough
You have to understand that Boko Haram did not do 9/11. That was Al Queda. Paris, that was ISIS. Boko Haram is focusing... they're doing Africa. There are mosquitoes down there that are bigger terrorist than Boko Haram.
Whoo, look at the dumper on you.
Fuck off, creep.
Oh, man, look at this. Dog shit.
Did you just step in that on purpose?
Oh, no, I just... you know, I didn't really see it.
You pointed it out to me!
All right, fine. I voluntarily stepped in the dog shit so that I would smell of dog shit. Happy?
Less happy. Why would it make me happy?
I was trying to cover up the smell of the skunk that I let spray me so that there would be no questions.
Well, now I have more questions.
Of course you do.
Like, why did you let a skunk spray you?
To cover the smell of cologne, man.
Oh, man. You know what? Go to the beginning. Go to the first smell! The first smell that begat all the other smells!
The first smell was cigarettes! I 've been smoking with Dee! All right?
LOOK OUT, FAGGOT!
How would you describe the [black] arbiter?
Yeah, you know what? We're, uh, we're treading on some very dangerous territory here, buddy.
Nigger?
Did you know that a faggot is a burning bundle of sticks on top of which they used to burn homos? So, basically, when you call someone a faggot, you are saying that they should be burned at the stake.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
