Look, I'm just trying to come up with a system. We gotta have a system here, y'know?
Wait, wait, wait, we do have a system for this! Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?
Oh shit, right. Yes, right! Paddy's Succession Plan! It was, like, a will we drew up to determine who would get each one of our shares in the very likely event of our untimely deaths.
We drank, like, three bottles of tequila and then we started talking about our legacy and how important that was to us-
Oh, here we go. On a paper plate, huh?
"Paddy's Succession Plan - Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth and forevermore, throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin." Who hit the pen here?
It makes sense, don't be a bitch- what it means is, every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.
Right! Right, our firstborn!
The shares get passed down to the firstborn kin? We are the firstborn kin of Frank!
Well, hang on! That's not, like, an official document!
Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.
Oh. There it is: "Chrundle", written in blood.
Oh, yeah. I was going by Chrundle at the time, wasn't I-
Nope. No, you were trying to write Charlie, and you wrote Chrundle.
No, I was going by Chrundle the Great.
You came up with that after you miswrote it.
I came up with a really great idea, dude.
I'm gonna play both sides.
...Why would you tell me that?
Probably shouldn't, because if you're trying to keep it a secret from me, well, now I know.
I shouldn't've- should I tell them?
No, I don't think you should tell either side, because if you're trying to play both sides and they both know, you're not playing anybody.
I d- I don't give a shit. Why are you here?
I want to talk to you about our future. Can we get into it?
Alright. Here, sit down for a second.
'Cuz, in order to do that, I think we're gonna have to get real.
And I want to get very real with you right now, and I do that because I feel like I'm always coddling you.
But that's neither here nor there; I just want to get real with you for a second, okay? So, the acting thing.
It's done... but it's been done for a long time. I mean, you were too old in 2006, you're way too old now, and you're... bad at it.
...Thank you... for your honesty.
Oh, so much do I appreciate you for that. That must've been hard for you to say.
Can I be honest with you?
Right? Okay, so, the veterinarian thing. I feel like the only reason you wanted to be a vet was to keep the skins.
You want to keep the skins, don't you.
T-there's no denying that the skins are... fascinating. It's the most fascinating part of the animal- the skin of any animal is the most fascinating part, but that's not why I wanted to become-
I'm going bald?! What are you talking about-
In the interest of "being real".
Where in the hell am I possibly going bald?!
In the back of your head-
There's no evidence of that!
There's quite a bit of evidence-
No, nah, there's absolutely not- no.
I'll get two mirrors, I'll show it to you-
Don't get mirrors, because, there's- you're not gonna find anything!
I see fat spilling over the back of your pants on a pretty regular basis.
There's no fat there- what the hell are you talking about?!
I'm just trying to let you know!
And by the way, there's no reason why a bald man who enjoys skins - who has a little bit of extra somethin' somethin around his belly - can't be a goddamn veterinarian!
Okay, you know what?! I CAN ACT!
YOU ARE A WRINKLED BITCH!
Let me tell you something, my characters are great-
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't want to do this with you, okay? Do you see what's happening?
We just jumped right back in. We just leaped right back in. Same old place.
I want it. It's everything. I mean, look at us. We're just air conditioners. I mean, after all, we're just walking around on the planet, breathing, conditioning the air. I condition it hot, that conditions it cold. I mean, it's symbiotic, no?
[Phone buzzes] Oh, what's that? Pondy. Aha! "Let's party." Ha! Sorry, Pondy. Can't. [Phone buzzes] Old tits. He's saying I'm old. Goddamn it, Pondy's the coolest. L... O... M? Yeah, "M." Stupid phone! L... O... L. [horn honking] [horn honking, tires squealing, loud thudding] Ah, shit! Probably Asians.
