(after showing off his exercise bike with a dildo attached to it) I know, but it's not what it looks like.
Yeah, what it looks like is that you are fucking yourself with a dildo bike.
S12 E6Hero or Hate Crime?
S12 E7PTSDee
[Laughing] I got you! I got you! I'm your rock bottom? I'm your rock. That's your rock bottom, sticking your dick in your daughter's face, you son of a bitch.
S12 E8The Gang Tends Bar
You guys mind if I go in the bathroom and smoke some PCP?
S12 E10Dennis' Double Life
I-I've tried everything for years with you. And I just-- At this point, I just don't know what else to say.
WWaitress
Oh, my God! Stop saying things to me. Don't you understand that this is never gonna happen, so let it go!
But look, wha-- Why? You won't ever tell me why. You just say no, and you won't give me a shot. I don't understand what's so terrible about me.
WWaitress
What's so great about me, Charlie? What's wrong with you? Why are you so obsessed with me? I mean, you said it yourself, I'm a mess! So, why don't you just go find somebody better?!
Well... 'cause there is no one better. And I love you.
S13 E5The Gang Gets New Wheels
Jonathan?
JJonathan
'Sup?
What is this? What am I seeing?
JJonathan
This is that gas guzzler I was mentioning. I dunno, think I'm gonna donate it to the fire department or something-
C-can- can I... can I purchase it from-? I will purchase it from you. The blue book value, I'll give you double.
JJonathan
Deal!
(happily sighs) Begone from me now.
JJonathan
What?
Begone from me, you soy boy beta cuck, the transaction is complete.
JJonathan
Dennis, I don't understand-
BEGOOOOOOOOONE!
[Dennis spots Charlie and Mac in his new Range Rover]
Hey, Charlie? Mac?
Dennis!
The cops, the parents - they're all after us!
How'd you get a Range Rover?! Just- get in, get in!
Yeah, get in.
Oh man, we did a bad thing!
Oh, Jesus...
Just get out of here, man! Go, go, go! We did a bad thing, dude! I think I killed a kid!
He did, I saw him. I think the kid's dead.
Shh, shh, shh... doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
[Dennis drives to an accident site with Frank and Dee standing by it]
Hey! Hey, Dee, Frank, what's up?
We almost got T-boned by an Asian. It was totally my fault; she did everything by the book. Very surprising.
[They get in]
Also, Dee banged a kid.
No, no, I was trying to cuck a bit-!
Shhhh, shh, shh, shh. It doesn't matter. It's okay. You're in the Range Rover now. All is well.
S14 E1The Gang Inflates
I need a place to stay. Let me talk to Frank.
What's on your hand?
It's a piece of door; move past it.
S14 E2Frank Shoots Every Member of the Gang
This is great! This is just great! You know, I'm like, now what are we supposed to all put our teeth in?!
Our faces? What are you talking about?
I'm talking about our legacy! You know, I can't hold on to it, man!
Legacy? You wanna talk legacy? You know what our legacy is? Spending our lives in this goddamn bar with a lunatic man who acts like a dog and handles his gun like a maniac!
S14 E5Celebrity Booze: The Ultimate Cash Grab
BCBryan Cranston
[to Aaron Paul] I don't ask for a lot. An Emmy here, a Tony there... A little pocket change for the one-armed succubus in Reno. But you? You-- You're, it's never enough for you! You want it all! And you deceived me into thinking that-- That I want it all, too, and I don't! And you took charge of our little operation and ever since then, you've been-- You've been controlling my life! You control everything... Or do you? Maybe... you are the one being deceived. Maybe being the front-man of an alcohol business places your head so far out in front of you that you don't even realize that your neck is exposed. Enough to be LOPPED off by a public so thirsty to taste the blood of greedy celebrities... So when they come -- and they will -- who are they gonna come after, huh? The sweet, hapless boob? Or the slick-talking, scheming millennial? [chuckles] So, I ask you... bitch... who is really in charge here? Boom. And that, my friends, is acting.
S14 E8Paddy's Has a Jumper
He's not gonna die falling from that height.
Whoa, hard disagree, pal. You could absolutely die if you jump from that height.
Wha- dude, it's like three stories. It's, like, basic science, y'know, like-
Uh, I'm sorry, let's not bring science into it, okay? I mean, this is life or death. This is God's territory, alright? I mean, there is no science.
What do you mea- what do you mean "there is no science"? I mean, you were just talking about how much you love science and math for predicting your television shows. Wh- why do you not like it in this scenario? Like, do you either believe in science or do you not believe in science?
I am an American! I can believe in whatever I want in any given moment-
I am also an American, okay, though?!
-based on the argument I'm trying to make!
That is not an argument!
You are not a true American, Charlie!
I am more American that you will ever be!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, simmer down, guys. Just simmer down, calm down, alright? Dee, stop being so emotional.
We could be known as a "suicide bar", and that's no good. I don't want to be that.
Yeah, kinda grim. I'd probably take my business elsewhere.
You don't have business.
Oh! What uh, what if you lean into that, though? Right? Like, you don't make it grim, but you make it playful. Like, we start to name drinks after jumpers or whatever, like... "The Last Call".
"The Jump Shot".
"Lemon Drop".
There ya go.
"Cosmo-fall-itan"?
Oh, very good!
We could become, like, a hot spot for jumpers, y'know? We'd put their pictures up, all around the bar to immortalize them, y'know, turn them into martyrs.
That's cool- and we'd play music, we'd play music. Uh... "Highway to Hell", "Free Fallin'."
You know what we could do? We could lean into, like, a- a haunted house kind of bar theme, you know?
Yeah, that'd get my business back.
You don't have business, Cricket!
Basically, what we've concluded is that it would actually be good for the bar if this guy jumps and dies, yeah? So the answer to the question of "should we get involved" is... is actually "yes!"
Yeah, but if- if we stop him, that would be bad for the bar, right Dennis?
No, that's not what I'm saying, though. More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying. You see, we've already established that this guy wants to die, and that it would actually benefit our bar if he dies. Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint we feel as though we should get involved, we feel as though we should save this guy, but the algorithm is actually telling us that that does not benefit anybody. The algorithm is telling us mathematically, scientifically, that this guy could die, wants to die... and that we should help him do it. That's just math.
So, algorithm-wise, what have we learned here today?
That Dee is a nasty fucking slut.
So nasty. She's so nasty.
God dammit! I can't do this! I'm sorry, Dad! I can't do it... This isn't fair. I shouldn't have to carry you up this hill! You never carried me up a hill! You never picked me up from school, you didn't read me bedtime stories... you didn't carry me on your shoulders. You didn't bounce me on-- You weren't there! And I needed you! I needed you there! You were supposed to carry me! You were supposed to carry me! I'm glad-- I'm glad you're dead! I'm glad you're dead! Now I don't have to spend the rest of my life waiting for you to pick me up!
Daisy, Daisy -- bear with me here, okay? I know you didn't create the system, okay? So you are not to blame. But somebody did create the system, and I would very much like to blame that person. So. Who is that?
DDaisy
Sir, I'm sorry, who is--
Who is the person who created your customer service system in such a way that the information entered into the computer isn't passed on to the human representative?!
DDaisy
Sir, I don't know. I can send you to one of my supervisors--
Nonononono! Don't send me to a supervisor. Daisy, Daisy -- it's just you and me. Just you and me, Daisy! Fighting the good fight against a broken system engineered to drive us both so crazy that we have to take DAYS OFF for our MENTAL! HEALTH!
S17 E1The Gang F***s Up Abbott Elementary
JJanine
Welcome to Abbott Elementary, the best elementary school in the universe.
Um, what's the deal with all the cameras?
AAva
We have, like, a Vanderpump thing going on. Don't worry about it.
No. No. I think I'll be spending my time on the other side of the camera. Thank you very much.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.