TV show quotes
[in claiming that she was a bad-ass, Lily recounts how she met Scooter during a stroll]
[sees Scooter] You look okay. Wanna hang out?
My mom says I can only have three friends, so -
Mom don't make the rules no more, Scooter.
My name is Geoff.
Not anymore it ain't. [crushes Scooter's drink can]
It is super weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Me neither.
So let me just say this: I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
What do you mean?
I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise I'm done making a fool of myself.
Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself...
It's okay, it's okay. I want it to be okay. So, here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, and then I'm gonna come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar... with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you'll laugh a little anyway. And then you're gonna tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work. But neither one of us is gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!"... because it will actually be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
[smiles] Yeah, I do.
Badass. [goes to the bar]
[quietly, frowning] Huh.
[Marshall and Lily talk about Ted's excesses in taking care of Marvin]
I think that we've figured out what's wrong with you. You see, after we let you go..
[flashback at apartment]
[holds book] What is this?
'Marvin's Book of Firsts'? [they browse book]
[gasps at seeing Ted and Marvin with Santa Claus] Ted took Marvin to see Santa?!? [seethes and closes book] I'm gonna take this book and I'm gonna shove it so far up his-
The point is, it made us remember another scrapbook you made. [remembers Building's Book of Firsts about the GNB Tower] That project really was your baby and now it's over, you're scared to move on.
I poured all my blood, sweat and tears into that building. To be fair, a lot of it happened the day I accidentally fell down that elevator shaft. The point is, it's just really hard to let go, especially since that building's my biggest accomplishment. I mean, maybe if I was where you guys at in life, all you had to be proud of... [Lily gives him a lollipop; they all sit down]
We get it, you'll always gonna be Uncle Ted. But if Marvin can't be your next project, you need one of your own, so we rescheduled your meeting with that headhunter. He's over there. [points to black man sitting with children]
[Barney joins Lily and Robin at the bar]
So, last night, Brandi and I went to the WWN studios where my high-pressure system was ready to slam into her warm front...
[flashback to WWN Studios]
So Barney, the studio's unlocked, the weather map is up, ready to do it in 17 different states at once?
Um, actually, I don't think I want to do that. I'm sorry, I'm gonna go. [leaves her]
So, you didn't sleep with her?
Nope. I spent the night thinking how everything I've done since Quinn and I broke up has been a cry for help. Dressing up a dog like me, hooking up with all those nannies...
Bro-Bibs.
Nah those are solid.
Still want in.
I realized that I'm searching. Searching for what I really want in life, and you know what? I have absolutely no idea what that is.
Barney...
But I'm going to figure it out. I have to. Good night, guys.
God I feel awful. Barney is going through something big and here I've been obsessing about one stupid final hookup to get him out of my system. He needs space and time to figure this out - and I have to give it to him.
[Ted has had enough of the gang borrowing all his stuff]
I'll take that. [gets minicooler from Lily] Ted Mosby Store is officially closed. [sees inside of cooler] What spilled in here?
Breastmilk.
[gives minicooler to Lily in disgust] Seriously, I give and give, and all I ask back is a little bit of respect! [leaves apartment]
[The gang talks at MacLaren's over Marshall and Lily's parents hooking up.]
I think you should be happy for them.
What? But why? What is good about this?
Well, first of all, respect to Mickey. Your mom's a piece - she's no Ted's mom, but she's a piece. Secondly, I mean, it's nice that they found each other. Sometimes, you fall for someone you never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?
I guess none of us ever thought of it that way.
Next round's on me.
[Lily and Ted begin jostling over Robin and Barney's wedding]
I'm looking forward to it.
Fine I'll do it for you. First thing we need to do is set a date- [reveals binder]
May 25th, 2013.
Thank you Ted, the ladies are talking.
Actually, that is the date. Ted offered to help with the wedding, and well, uh...
[sees Ted with bigger binder] That's a big binder.
Oh this? This is just cakes. Anyway, we'll run the ceremony at that beautiful church out on Long Island where Victoria almost got married, lovely spot. And then, we're gonna have a big reception in a big white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. The colors are cream and lilac.
[bumrushes Ted with Marshall holding her back] I'mma cut you bitch!
[Robin is still angry over being kept in the dark about her father getting married, but decides to meet him at Pizzazzy's and hear his side]
Your dad has something to say.
I'm sorry for getting married without consulting you. It was wrong of me.
There, now Robin-
I know that no mere apology will fix this, and that is why I've asked Carol for a divorce.
What?
She's heartbroken, understandably. Possibly suicidal -
I did not tell him.
But if that's the price for my daughter's love, then I will gladly let Carol pay it. Was that not what you wanted?
You want to know what I want? [Robin Sr nods] A normal dad, that's all. I want you to give this blonde guy permission to marry me, come to the wedding, give me away, smile in the pictures, and then dance with me like a normal dad! Is that too much to ask?
[Barney is angry that Ted slept with his half-sister]
That's my sister, Ted!!
I didn't know! None of us even knew you had a sister until two years ago, including you. It's all a crazy coincidence.
There are four million women in the city of New York and you had to sleep with my sister. Why would the universe do that to me?
I don't know. It's not like you've treated women in such a way that wouldn't invite karmic retribution.
You banged my sister, my sweet, little, innocent -
Pierced.
Really, where? [gets on] Don't answer that!! Now I know why I felt everything that you did to her last night. It wasn't a Bro-nection - it was a Sis-nection. Oh my God, Ted did you... [whispers in Ted's ear]
Big-time.
Nice, high-five [high-fives Ted, but...] No, NO!!!! Retraction Five! [high-fives Ted again and reverses words]
Hey, hey you're the one who begged for a proxy bang - and while we're on the subject of family, I'm pretty sure you banged my mom! Mom beats sister.
I never banged your mom! [winks]
You just did that winking thing again!
No I didn't. [winks again]
Fine, let me ask you something - Barney were you a little sore this morning, especially... [whispers in Barney's ear]
[aghast] Friendship OVER!! [marches out of bar]
[Robin laments to Lily and Marshall not being able to get any freebies because of her being engaged]
You know what, I love Barney, but this ring thing sucks. This gross guy, brushed against my rack, and then apologized - and I think he really really meant it.
Sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, but nothing beats the rush you get when that one special person looks at you.
It's true. Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see. [looks at Lily] I see her brightly, and more clearly than anything else in this world. You know what that is? That's love... and possibly alcohol mixed [shows medicine vial] with some very powerful antibiotics.
And that's how Barney sees you - and I know that's how you see Barney.
[The interviewees for Underneath The Tunes lament the aftermath of Robin Daggers' Grey Cup halftime show]
It was tragic. I mean to this day, you ask any Canadian where they were when Robin Sparkles lost it, not only can they tell you which Tim Horton's they were in - but what donut they were eating. Me? Wawa, Ontario. Blueberry fritter.
Halifax, Nova Scotia. Walnut crunch.
Victoriaville, Quebec. Sour cream plain.
Sudbury, Ontario. Honey dip.
Red Deer, Alberta. Chocolate glaze.
Squamish, British Columbia. Crammed a Timbit into a strawberry vanilla and invented the Priestley. Should have been the best day of my life.
[Barney is dejected about his quest to identify the object of Robin's obsession]
Can't believe it, I'm a total Dahmer.
Yeah, but you're my Dahmer, which makes you a Dobler.
[while "repairing" a cuckoo clock, Barney tells Ted something about Jeannette]
Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.
[In 2030, Robin makes the final confession to Lily over who carried Baby Marvin in 2013]
You waited 17 years to tell me you met the greatest boxer of all time? My child was rocked to sleep by Senator Mike Tyson?!?!
[Ted asks Barney why he always inserts himself into any historical situations]
Because crazy stories are my thing. You have architecture, Marshall has the law, Lily has art, Robin has pleasing me sexually, you all have a passion that drives you! Well, I have a passion, it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories. If you can do that without me, then I don't even know who I am anymore.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
