So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?
It was a cockamouse!
What?
It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?
S1 E7Matchmaker
S1 E8The Duel
[Flashback]
So when Lily and I get married... who gonna get the apartment?
Wow... that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle a problem like that?
Who?
Future Ted & Future Marshall.
Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
[Present Day]
Dammit, Past Ted!
[Lily confronts Ted and Marshall at the hospital over their sword fight]
On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!
Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?
S1 E9Belly Full of Turkey
I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.
You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
[beat] ...your cops are called 'mounties'.
Barney.
Yeah, what's up?
You have a time sheet? No one else does.
Yeah, so? [Ted steals paper] Hey! That's my private personal business!
"Court Mandated Community Service"??
Oh my god, you're on probation? What did you do?
That's my private personal business!
[flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.]
I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!
You peed on a church?
I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!
You are evil!
All is right with the world again.
S1 E10The Pineapple Incident
You okay?
Sure. Why?
Ah... I don't know. Girl of your dreams... dating a billionaire.
Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams, we're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I..I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a.... [Barney starts snoring]
Wha...? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. [whispers to Ted] Let's go.
Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?
It was, uh... 'Daddy's home.'
Daddy's home?
Yeah!
Okay, you... you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.
Hmm... yeah, I think it's pretty solid.
Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.
S1 E11The Limo
Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.
You're not... Moby, are you?
NMNot Moby/Erik
Who?
The recording artist, Moby.
NMNot Moby/Erik
Oh, no.
Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?
NMNot Moby/Erick
Oh, I thought you said Tony.
So your name's Tony?
NMNot Moby/Erik
No.
S1 E12The Wedding
[Marshall and Lily argue about their plans for an ideal wedding]
Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
But I'm the bride. So, I win.
But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.
Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.
[Lily takes Barney aside at MacLaren's after she sees him trying to seduce Claudia, who just called off the wedding with Stuart]
Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!
Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
[thinks about it] One of each!
S1 E13Drumroll, Please
[to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?
I had the most... amazing night ever.
Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."
Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."
Why don't we just... dance. And have a great time. And when it's over, never see each other again.
Unless-
No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, we'll make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this moment... and it'll be perfect.
Wow... Okay I'm in.
[enthusiastically] Okay!
I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?
Um... you can call me Buttercup. [Ted and "Buttercup" shake hands]
Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm... Lando Calrissian. [Victoria laughs] Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-
[with bridesmaid on his arm] Hey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.
[to Victoria] So I'm Ted.
Victoria.
S1 E14Zip, Zip, Zip
[to Ted] Two days straight?
Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage.
[in the laser tag arena] Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!
See you on the other side.
BBoth
[Charging] Yaahhhhh!
[Both got shot]
Damn! ...You wanna get a soft pretzel?
Yeah.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.