Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is seventeen years, eleven months old.
S1 E14Zip, Zip, Zip
S1 E15Game Night
I've only had two boyfriends before Ted.
Prude alert!
Well, two serious ones. I've dated others in between.
Slut alert!
I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
OK, it involves a game of "Truth or Dare", a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
FTFuture Ted
Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.
[staring goggle-eyed at Victoria] That is the greatest story ever!
S1 E16Cupcake
[Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.
Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.
S1 E17Life Among the Gorillas
BBilson
Nice tie! Steak sauce!
OJOffice Jerk
Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!
[Marshall looks for a stain on his tie]
Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.
BBilson
Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.
I don't have a back door.
BBilson
Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!
Right, well, I'm engaged.
OJOffice Jerk
Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!
We're still engaged.
BBilson
Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!
I want to give you the package.
The package? You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.
Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a huge package!
[Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishly]
S1 E18Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.
LGLittle girl
Do you have a fiancée?
Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancée.
Oh no, I don't have a fiancée.
LGLittle girl
Then who do you live with?
Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
LGLittle girl
Don't you get lonely?
No, I've got five dogs.
LGLittle girl
My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Well, yeah, that's cats, I'm not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady – does anybody else have questions?
LBLittle boy
Are you a lesbian?
NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.
[to Robin] We should have sex.
What?
Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least I'm good at it, and even if you're not, don't worry. I'll have a good time either way.
Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don't get involved with people I work with.
Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex. Having sex is fun! [he gives her his card and their news show starts] Phone number, call me anytime. [reads teleprompter] A lot of teams in action tonight...
S1 E19Mary the Paralegal
[To Ted] Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
Do you really think that's true?
Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.
Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!
Mary, I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute.
MMary
No Ted, I'm a paralegal.
You're a hooker.
MMary
No, I'm a paralegal.
No, you're a hooker.
MMary
No, I'm a paralegal.
[pause] You're a paralegal.
MMary
You know that scene in Empire when they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head? Do you think that's how Sandy gets his hair on in the morning?
S1 E20Best Prom Ever
[Lily is freaking out because a New Jersey high school that has The 88 for a prom band wouldn't let them in. She thinks Barney's ideas of sneaking in may the only way to see the band.]
You're getting on board with Barney's idea. Man, you really have snapped!
It's nine weeks 'til the wedding. I'd say "yes" to just about anything.
[saunters to Lily] Well...
No, Barney.
[She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?
[Looks up] Horrible.
You're gonna make such a great dad.
You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." Now ladies...SLUT UP!
S1 E21Milk
WWWendy the Waitress
Be careful, the plate is very hot!
Oh go on, touch it.
[touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.