How I Met Your Mother quotes

Ted

[to Robin typing on Blackberry] Ted Mosby is solid as a rock. No, dependable. No, rugged. No-

Robin

Why don't I go to the Chevy website and copy down the adjectives?

Ted

I just want to hit that perfect middle ground.

Robin

How about if we just go wildly to both extremes and let them balance each other out? [reads message] "Ted Mosby is really handsome but extremely violent and really rich, but lacks bladder control-" [truck hits bump; Ted and Robin are jolted] Oh damn, that last bump just made me hit Send.

Ted

No, no.

Robin

Don't worry, everyone will get it's a joke.

Ted

No they won't, they'll think...wait. Everyone?

Barney

[reads message] "Really rich"? [Everyone laughs]

Lily

Don't worry, we'll just help Barney snap him out of this one.

Marshall

Or we could just let him have this one.

Lily

Are you kidding?

Marshall

Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home, he finally admitted Bob Barker's not his dad, and he watched James meet his real father, it's just a lot to go through in one afternoon. Can't we just let the guy be black for a day?

Lily

But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.

Ted

I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.

Marshall

Dude, None taken. Yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that he let a single bullet fire into a particular vent that would explode the whole thing...

Ted

For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.

Marshall

... But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan...with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.

Ted

[addressing his architecture class] Unfinished. Gaudí to his credit never gave up on his dream, but that's not usually how it goes. It usually isn't a speeding bus that keeps the brown pointy church from getting built, most of the time it is too difficult or expensive, or too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there and until you finish it always will be.

Ted

I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.

Lily

No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks

Marshall

No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.

And Robin would do all three of these before the day was out.

Barney

[excited] And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary, and this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out, and I've got this amazing poker group...

[interrupting the story] Actually, Barney did not need a win.

Barney

Ted, I know you love classic stuff no one cares about, but I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New Is Always Better.

Ted

New is always better?

Barney

Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

Ugh, he thinks I like this [Marshall looks at Virtual Lily] and it feels disgusting.

Uh, it looks disgusting.

Marshall

[to Lily] Is this working for you?

[mocks Marshall] Is this working for you?

Of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on while some giant paws at her nether regions like Lennie from Of Mice and Men?

Oh, you're bad!

More Cosmos? [share toast]

Barney

Ted, I know you love classic stuff no one cares about, but I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New Is Always Better.

Ted

New is always better?

Barney

Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

Ted

And this theory applies to everything?

Barney

Everything.

Ted

So, those new Star Wars movies... Those are better than the old ones?

Barney

Yeah. The first three barely mention the intricacies of intergalactic trade law.

Ted Mosby

And when you're at a Guns N' Roses concert, you're like, "yeah, yeah, Paradise City, whatever. When are they gonna rock me some Chinese Democracy"?

Barney

Axl's really matured as a songwriter, Ted.

Robin

Hey.

Barney

Hey!

Robin

Hey. Um, when we were dating, did - did I make you feel needed?

Barney

No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.

Robin

[sighs] That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry. [turns to leave]

Barney

Wait, where are you g- that's a compliment! You're the least needy woman I've ever met. That's awesome! No guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky; you're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged.

Marshall

How come the creepy kid in a horror movie is always a girl? Or twin girls, who speak in unison.

Lily

What about Chucky?

Marshall

A, he was a doll. B, he was possessed by an adult serial killer, and C, how could you bring up Chucky right before bed?

What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, We Care.

Barney

[holding a recycling bin] I care about our precious Earth. [puts in spent soft drink can]

[opening the door for an old woman] I care about old people.

I care about high-yield, offshore investments, and so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat? [plays with dog]

Marshall

[at his office, eating salad] Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet!

Ted

Lily. You're a psychopath.

Lily

Little bit. [to student who gave her a panda drawing] Ah, a panda!

I thought about Lily's advice, and I figured, fear was worth a try. [Ted walks to picket line]

Zoey

Well, Professor Mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?

Ted

[to students] Anyone not in class tomorrow gets an F. [students are shocked]

Lily

You said that?

Well, technically they'd get an "Incomplete," but I thought "F" had a nice, scary ring to it.

You can't have me. Look at the sign. [Lily sees EXTINCT tag at exhibit signage] I'm extinct. I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction.

Lily

Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together.

They did?!

Lily

Yeah, they've done a few tours, they've put out a new album.

Are you serious? That is awesome! Are they just as good?

Lily

[pause] Sure.

Robin

So, when was the last time you saw him?

Barney

It was that day, July 23rd, 1981. My mom got pretty upset he let me destroy a New York City landmark.

Robin

[scoffs] Moms.

Barney

He never came around anymore after the fact. Think he moved away.

Robin

Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong, you know-

Barney

You do know, you do know, that's the thing, you know. He's my dad. [long pause]

Robin

Barney, do you wanna-

Barney

[emotionally] I don't wanna do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?