Marshall Eriksen quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Victoria

I will tell you my most humiliating story.

Marshall

Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.

Victoria

OK, it involves a game of "Truth or Dare", a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.

Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.

Marshall

[staring goggle-eyed at Victoria] That is the greatest story ever!

Nice tie! Steak sauce!

Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!

Barney

Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.

Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.

Marshall

I don't have a back door.

Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!

Marshall

Right, well, I'm engaged.

Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!

Marshall

We're still engaged.

Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!

Marshall

I want to give you the package.

Lily

The package? You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.

Marshall

Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.

Lily

Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a huge package!

Barney

[To Ted] Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.

Marshall

Do you really think that's true?

Barney

Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.

Marshall

Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!

Marshall

So that's it? We're breaking up?

Lily

Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is if...if we don't talk for a while.

Marshall

For a while. Try never, okay? You walk out of that door, and we're done. You're never going to hear my voice again! [segue to Marshall talking to Ted] I should call her.

Ted

No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.

Marshall

You're a good friend, Ted.

Mr Eriksen, hello. I graded your paper tonight. I was...[looks at Barney] pleasantly surprised.

Barney

[smugly] Yeah she was.

[to Marshall, before leaving] B-plus.

Barney

B-plus?!? Marshall, after I've gone though my eight weeks of physical therapy, I'm going to get you that A!

Marshall

Let her go. She belongs out there...in the wild. You should be proud. You fought the cougar and lived.

Ted

So I guess that decides it.

Marshall

Yep.

Barney

Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.

Ted

[Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?

Marshall

What?

Ted

That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! [in a sing-song voice] Somebody has a crush on you!

Barney

[in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!

Marshall

Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?

Ted

Mine says "Ted", no heart.

Barney

Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...[sees Marshall and Ted smile] Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar! [leaves the coffee shop]

Ted

Man! What's up with Swarley?

Marshall

I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.

Ted

Psssh.

Marshall

Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.

Aaww..I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!

Lily

Really!?

Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.

Lily

Oh, so can we see a judge?

Absolutely!

Lily

Really?

Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.

Marshall

[clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?

Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!

Robin

Really?

Is what I would say--

Marshall

You know what? We get it.

Ted

Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?

Barney

Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.

Marshall

The "Ohhh..." moment?

Barney

Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.

It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.

Barney

Ohhhh.....

I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!

Barney

Ohhhh.....

I just turned 30.

Barney

Ohhhhhh.....

Barney

So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible

Ted

Hmm...I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh...." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Ted

I love you.

Robin

I used to be a dude.

Ted

Ohhhhhh.....

Lily

This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!!

Marshall

That's YOU?

Robin

Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.

Lily

So, just to be clear...you want us to go to the mall...today?

Robin

[Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it.

Marshall

A speech to talk a girl out of sex...

Ted

...yeah I don't have any of those.

Barney

Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.

Robin

Please? I'm her older sister; I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.

Lily

It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.

Robin

That's why I need your help!

Lily

That's Dirty Dancing!

Ted

It was on last night.

Marshall

No, it was two nights ago. "She's Like the Wind" has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!

Barney

[picks up dart] Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!

Robin

Oh, wow, a new dart!

Ted

Hey, that new dart is great!

Robin

I did not know you were such a fan of "newdart", Barney!

Barney

Oh yes, Robin, I just love "newdart"...”nude art". "Nude art"!

Marshall

Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?!?

Lily

I knew this day would come.

Marshall

How did you know that?

Lily

Because I didn't hide it very well.

Hey Marshall, what are you having?

Marshall

What I'll have, oh I don't know maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!

Oh, I'm sorry. That painting is property of the bar.

Marshall

I know that Barney gave you that painting!

I don't know what you're talking about...

Marshall

Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you double!

I doubt it.

Marshall

Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you that plus ten bucks!

I doubt it.

Marshall

Alright, you know what, Carl? You just lost yourself a regular customer!

I doubt it.

Ted

[tries to convince the group of watching the recorded Super Bowl together a day after because of the wake for Mark] Who's in?

Lily

I'm in!

Robin

I'm in.

Marshall

I'm in!

Barney

What the hell. I'm in! HIGH-FIVE! [raises his hand]

Ted

Dude... we are at a wake!

Barney

[looks around] Sorry.... [puts his hand over the table and speaks in a low and grave voice] solemn low-five.