Marshall Eriksen quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Ted

[to Marshall, who's cuddling with him to remain warm] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?

Marshall

Yeah.

Ted

Please stop!

Robin

Shut up! Now listen to me. The clock is ticking. Okay, first thing: we scoop up all these little pieces of tofu and cabbage. Next, what we need to take care of are the messy parts; the pools that have collected. We gotta soak that soup up. Last...is the smell. We gotta cover up that Tam Kuk Gai. You mentioned cigars?

Lily

There's two in the glove compartment, but he's been saving...

Robin

Hand me those chopsticks.

Robin

Mmm, hey, how 'bout some tunes? [500 Miles by The Proclaimers starts playing] Ohh, great song!

Lily

These cigars aren't helping at all.

Robin

[grinning] Yeah, this was a terrible idea.

Lily

Uggh, now it just smells like a...homeless guy threw up in here.

Marshall

The broken windows?

Lily

We had to make it look realistic!

Marshall

Well why did you break two of them?

Robin

Uhhh...it looked like fun when she did it so I wanted to try.

Marshall

I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy.

Ted

Dude, you shaved your fricking head!

Marshall

Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, 'cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- [Looks in mirror] Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?

Ted

What!?

Marshall

You're the worst best man ever! I hate you!

Lily

We should come up with a whole new last name.

Marshall

Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.

Lily

Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.

Marshall

Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?

Barney

Go for Barney.

Marshall

Hey man. It's Marshall. Check your email, sent you something.

Barney

What is it?

Marshall

A new website. Slapcountdown.com

Barney

[Barney looks at his computer screen, which displays a timer counting down days, hours, minutes and seconds.] What does this mean? Marshall? [Marshall has already hung up] No... NOOOOOOOOO!

Ted

What? We agreed! I suited up!

Barney

You take too long to get ready.

Ted

What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

Marshall

Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.

Barney

And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

Marshall

Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code. [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume they're saving my life.

Lily

Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.

Marshall

[Muttering] Already did this morning.

Robin

What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...

But she's afraid of commitment.

But she's a gun nut.

But she's... Canadian.

But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.

I can't think of anything.

Marshall

I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.

Barney

Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?

Marshall

There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted, should I go for it?

Ted

Don't do it, man, think about Lily.

Marshall

You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.

Barney

Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a GOD!

Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.

OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]

Marshall

Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!

Lily

... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby.

Lily

I don't think now is the right time to buy.

Marshall

But we're not doing this for now; we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?

Lily

Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.

Marshall

[enters in a turtleneck, carrying a dog and crêpes au chocolat] Looks great, girls. Who wants crêpes au chocolat?

Merci, Papa!

Marshall

[looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.

Robin

For who, a witch building a house in the forest?

Marshall

Sugar helps me study.

Barney

This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.

Lily

Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?

Barney

[Sarcastically] Oh, and your mom was perfect.

Barney

Hey, check it out. We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing!

Lily

Barney, put it away.

Barney

How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?

The slap will occur in ten-

Barney

Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!

Lily

Barney, put it away!

Barney

I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-

Lily

[to Marshall] You can slap him.

Barney

What?? Wait, you-

Two, one.

Marshall

That's three!

All right. Start with a hundred push-ups!

Marshall

All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?

A hundred.

Marshall

Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech, "A hundred push-ups." Like, "do a bazillion push-ups." No one can do a hundred.

[sniffing] Do you smell that?

Marshall

No.

Smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym?

Marshall

No.

Then get on the floor and give me a hundred!