[flashback to Robin and her marine biologist boyfriend]
SScott
This really sucks but I'm gonna be at the North Pole for the next three months.
Robin[sarcastically] Seriously? The North Pole? Okay pal, if you wanna break up with me, just tell it to me straight, don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. [laughs]
SScott
Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of-
Robin
Of what? Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia, works it's way up to Candyland, and then hey, congratulate me, I'm the new Defence Against the Dark Teacher at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!
SScott
Robin, the North Pole is a real place, you know that right?
Robin
...So you wanna get pizza later-
SScott
I think we should break up.
[The gang sees Barney at his deathbed in 2021]
Robin
You're too young, it's unfair!
We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.
Thank you Marshall. [coughs] Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?
Yes, yes, of course, anything.
Eat this meatball sub. [offers wrapped sub]
[winces in pain] I don't have much time!!!
[unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course. [prepares to bite] Does this have some sort of meaning? [meatball sub explodes in his face]
[gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!
Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas. [Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself]
[The gang is at MacLaren's Bar with Jerry trying to figure out which club to go to]
Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong...
Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Where's where Was was, isn't it?
No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?
Not Okay. That place is lame.
Robin
Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?
That's wrong. That's Not Wrong.
Robin
Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.
Robin
Not Where, Focus.
I thought Focus was closed.
No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.
Robin
No, Closed is closed.
I don't know. Third base, right?!
Robin
Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.
Robin
Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.
No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore.
Guys, just pick a club, okay?
AAll
Okay is Lame! Gay bar!
For the record, um, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé.
[cut to the group at a club called Hopeless]
[Robin explains what Barney turns into when he drinks peppermint schnapps]
[at bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling ... how you doing? ... is this your sister? ... Beautiful! [goes to gang's booth]
Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Show me chicken wings! [gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]
Robin
Good order, Ted!!!! [gang cheers]
We should totally buy a bar!
We should absolutely, totally, buy a bar!
Robin
Really, the only sensible idea right now.
It's a theme bar... it's a courtroom!
Yes! Where the bartenders wear sexy judges' robes.
It's the only court where you show up, then get served!
Robin
You're judged by a jury of your beers!
[Ted and Barney are arguing over who will press the Arcadian detonator, and Robin will have none of it.]
Robin
[cutting in partway through the argument] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.
TBTed and Barney
[to each other] She means you.
[Ted is undecided on his Architect's Ball date]
I can't decide. They're both awesome.
Robin
If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?
[Ted looks at Robin, disgusted]
I got this. Ted, [extends fists] left or right?
Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? [speaks while alternating fists] I will pick left. [Lily slaps him]
[One of Robin's colleagues, Patrice, is getting mushy at Barney's displays of affection for Nora]
PPatrice
[commenting on Barney serenading Nora with his When A Man Loves A Woman rendition] He's so dreamy..
Robin
NOBODY ASKED YOU, PATRICE!!!!
[Robin reflects on her 14th birthday gift, which turns out to be a long trek in the woods and she is being airdropped]
Robin
I wanna go home, daddy!
RSRobin Sr
[points out woods] That direction is nothing but wolves. Forty kilometers that way is a mining town called Smithers. I'd rather take my chances with the wolves. [hands Robin a Swiss knife] I'll see you in three days.
Robin
But what am I supposed to eat?
RSRobin Sr
You got a knife! The forest is full of animals, what do you want, a buffet? [drops off Robin]
Robin
Papa!!!!!
RSRobin Sr
Happy Birthday, son!!
[Marshall has given Barney a card where the gender of his and Lily's baby is written. Robin sees it too]
[seeing them giggle] This may have been a mistake.
[looks at Marshall] Boy...do I like babies!
Robin
Girl...friend, your hair looks fantastic!
Twins...was the feel-good movie of 1988.
[Barney has just sipped a drink to drown the fact that he has Canadian blood]
This is nice. What is this?
WWaitress
Canadian whiskey.
[Spits out drink] I want Scotch...American Scotch, from Scotland! Just get that swill away from me! [hands back glass to waitress and makes cat-like hiss; to Robin] Why are you doing this to me?
Robin
You've been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower, so now this Canuck's gonna be on you like the drummer from the Yukon Blondes, high up on Timbits.
[Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene]
Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...
Robin
Unpopular.
Going to movies with his mom.
A Boy Scout is always prepared.
Robin
Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.
Prepared to die a virgin.
Prepared to paint his sister's nails..
Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...
Robin
You're a tropical depression.
[Aboard Sandy Rivers' cruise, Robin and Barney couldn't find the strength to tell Kevin and Nora about sleeping together again]
Robin
As soon as we dock, I'm taking Kevin to the ER. God, I wish last night never happened.
Robin
What do you mean?
What if this whole thing isn't the whole story of how we made a horrible mistake and ruined our relationships? What if it's the story of how we got back together?
Robin
Okay, I'm gonna ask you one last time: is this what you want?
It's what we both want. Why else are we rushing to tell them what we did - on a boat? That is a terrible idea.
Robin
Barney, we tried this, and we failed! Why try again?
Because I haven't stopped thinking about you and you haven't stopped thinking about me.
Robin
I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?
[long pause] I guess, because you're as messed up as I am.
[Barney talks to Robin, who just locked herself up at a bathroom]
Robin
Hope
Good. [sits on bathtub] 'Cause get this, Ted almost adopted a baby. [scoffs] Crazy, right? Poor guy's going through some stuff. He actually tried to rope me into it. Can you imagine me being someone's dad?
Robin
I'm pregnant. [Barney, non-plussed, looks at Robin]
[with the failure of Puzzles, Ted, Barney, Kevin, and Doug watch the New Year's Eve countdown]
Robin
[speaking on broadcast] This is Robin Scherbatsky filling in for Sandy Rivers. You know, America, tonight I've been groped, slapped and puked, and until ten minutes ago, I had no idea I'd be on national television...
Robin
...but that's the magic of New Year's. When that clock strikes midnight, we all get a fresh start. and I don't know about you, but I could really use one. and that magic moment starts in ten. [starts countdown]
How I Met Your Mother · 439 quotes
