Robin Scherbatsky quotes from How I Met Your Mother

We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?

Robin

[thought] Please God, no!

Barney

[thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore.

[thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.

Kevin

[thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?

Robin

I disagree. It's like Sun Tzu said, "Never give up. Never surrender."

Ted

That's Tim Allen from Galaxy Quest.

Barney

Come on Robin, it's my penis we're talkin' about! You've seen her, she's magnificent!

Robin

She?

Barney

Every penis is a girl Robin. Everyone knows that, like ships...and lake monsters.

Robin

Haven't you always wanted kids?

Kevin

That was before I fell in love with you.

Robin

That's the thing! Your future always had kids in it, something huge you would be giving up for me. I just don't think I could ever owe someone that much. I'm just scared that you'll wake up in a year, or ten, or 50, so I need you to be sure, okay? If we get married, we will never have children. Are you really okay with that?

Robin

Hasn't it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart, I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment, and now, I'm about to lose my job.

Ted

What do you mean?

Robin

I've been completely distracted at work, and now my boss wants to see me Friday at five o'clock, which in the office is known as "Fire o'clock."

Ted

I had no idea.

Robin

How could you? The one person I want to talk to most barely looks me in the eye anymore, much less returns my calls. Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me and I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back, but ... damn it, this sucks for me too. I miss you. Is there any way we could just ... go back to normal?

Ted

I don't think I can do normal anymore.

Barney

And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.

Robin

Barney!

Barney

The two ladies will kiss!

Robin

Uh, Lily.

Lily

Sorry.

Barney

And now the gentlemen...

Ted

DUDE!

Barney

And now the gentlemen! [Marshall and Ted kiss] I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?

Sandy Rivers

Robin, I got something for you. It's huge...and I want you on it.

Robin

Sandy, you were in the harassment video.

Ted

Why are you still here?

Robin

[as MacLaren's bartender] Why do you think I'm still here?

Ted

I guess because I'm in love with you. Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look?

Robin

[as old patron] Because you feel bad.

Ted

Of course I feel bad. I told you I still love you because apparently, that's the worst thing you can say to someone.

Robin

That's not why you feel bad. You feel bad because you let me go away. I know our relationship wasn't exactly what you wanted it to be, and I know I may not love you the way you love me, but I do love you. Isn't that worth hanging on to?

Ted

[pause] I miss you.

Robin

[as model in Wharmpess Gold beer] So go get me back.

Why would you fire me?

Robin

Because nobody should be as happy as you are! [goes to door and opens it] and also, your cookies? They're only... pretty good.

[tries to step out but turns back at her] Robin, is this really about me?

Robin

[cracking] No its not. [Patrice embraces her]

Sandy Rivers

[enters] The old fire and bang. Respect, Scherbatsky.

Robin

I'm sorry. It's just that seeing you with Barney has run up some old feelings - and I really don't like feelings, but that's not your fault or Barney's fault. It's just really hard seeing you with him.

Lily

My dad just gave us the most amazing Christmas gift ever. Our first night away since Marvin was born.

Marshall

Twenty-four hours straight without that little bastard.

Robin

Oh, this will be a nice memory to share with Marvin when he's older and deciding whether or not to put you in a home.

Robin

[enraged but almost in tears] Seriously, Barney? Even you, even someone as CERTIFIABLY INSANE as you must realize that this is too far! You lied to me, manipulated me for weeks - do you really think I could ever kiss you after that? Do you really think I could ever trust you after that? [refers to Playbook page] This, this is proof of why we don't work, why we'll never work, so thank you. You've set me free because how could I be with a man who thinks that this trick, this enormous lie could ever make me want to date him again?

Barney

Turn it over. [Robin flips page to read Step 16: Hope she says yes. Barney presents ring] Robin Scherbatsky, will you marry me?

Robin

Yes.

Enough, ENOOUGH! [couples stop] You all have someone who loves you and you're screwing it up over what, who has the most power? That's not love. Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you - and you know what? That's what we're gonna do. [to Marshall] You, start!

Marshall

[to Lily] When you got scared about Marvin, it felt like you were saying that I'm not as good a parent as you. You're an amazing mom, and I will look up to that.

Lily

I probably have trust issues because my dad wasn't there for me, but I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin.

[to Ted and Victoria] You, next!

Ted

Having Klaus back in our lives made me scared we're never gonna escape the past.

Victoria

I only wanted to help Klaus because I feel guilty of how happy I am with you.

[to Robin and Nick] Next!

I find you so sexy, it just hurt that you don't feel the same way about me.

Robin

I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex.

Oh... That's cool. [leaves with her]

Look at that, no legal documents needed, just honesty and vulnerability. That's love! You see, I once loved someone, only I didn't say it enough. Now I wish I could say it everyday - hell, I don't care if its crazy, I'm doing it. [calls ex-wife] Hello Darlene? Put Tugboat on the line. Hey buddy! Hey it's the man! [leaves conference room]

And for a moment, all felt right with the world, but that very night, the Autumn of Breakups would claim its first victims.

Barney

Welcome to Bangtoberfest! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, [shoots T-shirt roll at Ted] I'm back! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, I'm single again! [continues shooting rolls; one hits woman] Sorry about your eye, I'm available!

Ted

[reads shirt message] Bangtoberfest. This time it's really not personal.

Robin

Barney, you went through some really emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal.

Barney

Robin, I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening. [puts cap on Robin's head]

Marshall

Guys, guys, guys, okay alright!! Obviously, none of you knows what it means to be a parent.

Barney

[scoffs] Obviously, neither of you two know what it means to be a friend anymore.

Marshall

[offended] What are you talking about?

Ted

Think about it. This is the most we've seen of you two in, five months.

Robin

You don't seem to care what's going on in our lives unless it's an eight or higher.

Marshall

Well, what do you expect? We have a baby now.

Lily

Yeah, the days of closing down MacLaren's are over ... unless you want to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning to a screaming baby.

Ted

So, that's it, the end of an era, just like that?

Marshall

Look, we're sorry if we don't have enough time to sit down at the bar listening to silly little dating problems. When you have a baby, it's not just the most important thing in your life, it's the only important thing. When are you guys gonna get that?

Ted

Think we get it. [leaves with Barney and Robin]

Marshall

If Joel uses ringers, so can we, and Nick is our best player, so as far as I am concerned, he can both keep your groins on ice.

Ted

"Groins On Ice"... Least popular Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.

Robin

Why are you so into this basketball league?

Marshall

Robin, its the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 Who Work In Midtown League. It's The Show!

Lily

You know, it's kinda funny imagining people icing their groins. First it would get a little cold... then the ice would start to melt... things will get all wet, and steamy...