[The gang reads the SNASA con]
WWoman
Wow, you're an astronaut?
[hushes woman] I'm actually in a top-secret government space program, called Secret NASA, or...SNASA.
WWoman
Do you go to the Moon and stuff?
Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I've been to the... Smoon.
[Cuts back to the gang]
RobinIf you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry, but you're a smoron.
[Barney visits Robin at the shooting range after Lily reveals to him Robin's post-breakup depression]
Robin
[sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.
Robin, I know you're upset.
Robin
What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other. [angry tone] It just warms my frickin' heart! [returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]
Robin
Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?
But you're not just another number to me.
Robin
And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks. [pause]
Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?
Robin
Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.
Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.
Robin
Ok, don't sleep with Anita.
Robin
Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?
She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.
[knock at the door]
Oh, that's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?
Oh, you know I, uh, actually I don't, uh, think that I should...have to pay. 'Cause I'm...not a fan of pizza.
[Stunned gasps]
Robin
What?!?
Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.
I once caught you eating pizza in the shower!
APArthur The Pizza Guy
Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.
I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says 'Marshall you've gotta stop eating pizza.' Marshall says 'Why?' Doc says 'So I can examine you!' But seriously, we kid because we love.
All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me is because...I got mugged. [long pause] Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving!! [to Arthur, kindly] How's your dad by the way?
[Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby]
[opens door] You guys bangin'?
MLMarshall and Lily
Whaaaaaa!
Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.
[enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here. [Marshall and Lily scream] Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up. [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again]
Robin
This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010. [Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]
[Robin is stunned that Don accepted a lead anchor job in Chicago - which she turned down earlier]
DDon
Put yourself in my shoes. Can you imagine what it's like to have the phone ring and it's your dream job on the other end?
Robin
[teary-eyed] Yes... I can. Good luck in Chicago, Don. [leaves Don's apartment]
[Inside the Move This truck on the way to Sam Gibbs' house, Ted and Robin discuss how to market him to a blind date.]
[to Robin typing on Blackberry] Ted Mosby is solid as a rock. No, dependable. No, rugged. No-
Robin
Why don't I go to the Chevy website and copy down the adjectives?
I just want to hit that perfect middle ground.
Robin
How about if we just go wildly to both extremes and let them balance each other out? [reads message] "Ted Mosby is really handsome but extremely violent and really rich, but lacks bladder control-" [truck hits bump; Ted and Robin are jolted] Oh damn, that last bump just made me hit Send.
Robin
Don't worry, everyone will get it's a joke.
No they won't, they'll think...wait. Everyone?
[Lily, Marshall, James, and Barney at the cab also received the message]
[reads message] "Really rich"? [Everyone laughs]
Robin
Hey.
Robin
Hey. Um, when we were dating, did - did I make you feel needed?
No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.
Robin
[sighs] That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry. [turns to leave]
Wait, where are you g- that's a compliment! You're the least needy woman I've ever met. That's awesome! No guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky; you're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged.
[Barney and Robin have just been summoned to the Natural History Museum security office for pulling off pranks. An unexpected revelation about Barney's uncle actually being his father hits him hard.]
Robin
So, when was the last time you saw him?
It was that day, July 23rd, 1981. My mom got pretty upset he let me destroy a New York City landmark.
Robin
[scoffs] Moms.
He never came around anymore after the fact. Think he moved away.
Robin
Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong, you know-
You do know, you do know, that's the thing, you know. He's my dad. [long pause]
Robin
Barney, do you wanna-
[emotionally] I don't wanna do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?
[At Ted's apartment, Robin has had enough of Lily's baby talk and lets everything out when Lily utters one word too many]
Robin
Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!
What does that supposed to mean?
Robin
It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!
Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.
Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?
Sorry, I'm ummmm...I don't know, washing my hair.
Robin
Holding the towel.
I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.
[Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]
[to Marshall and Lily] Are you kidding me?!? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now. [couple still look at him] I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!
[after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble...
And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.
I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.
[shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas! [Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]
Robin
So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski -
And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. [takes out coin] So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. [flips coin into Robin's face] Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!
[At the Eriksen wake, a man approaches Robin.]
MMan
I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things.
Robin
I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.
MMan
I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
Robin
[looks around] I gotcha. [leaves with man]
[Barney explains the origins of Desperation Day]
Loneliness...the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching...the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.
Robin
That's not a thing.
It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.
And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks like Robin.]
[Ted, Marshall and Lily alert Robin that Scooby's missing from the apartment]
Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.
Robin
Got out? What do you mean?
He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.
Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!
He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!
I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.
How I Met Your Mother · 439 quotes
