Scenes with Barney Stinson 182
[Barney does his own version of LeBron James' Decision Special]
BarneyMan, this whole free agent experience... it's been an unbelievable experience... a real, humbling experience. First all, the Lusty Leopard is where I developed my game. [looks at strippers] I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks...
Let's just go stay at the Lusty Leopard. They have loyalty and heart, I bet you he rewards that.
LeBron moved on Ted, so should you.
Barney
... but Barney Stinson has to do what's right for Barney Stinson's penis. In this fall... This is tough, um, in this fall, I'm going to take my talents ... to Mouth Beach. [Mouth Beach dancers and patrons rejoice]
Barney
It is super weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Barney
So let me just say this: I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Barney
I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise I'm done making a fool of myself.
Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself...
Barney
It's okay, it's okay. I want it to be okay. So, here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, and then I'm gonna come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar... with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you'll laugh a little anyway. And then you're gonna tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work. But neither one of us is gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!"... because it will actually be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Barney
Badass. [goes to the bar]
[Barney joins Lily and Robin at the bar]
Barney
So, last night, Brandi and I went to the WWN studios where my high-pressure system was ready to slam into her warm front...
[flashback to WWN Studios]
BBrandi
So Barney, the studio's unlocked, the weather map is up, ready to do it in 17 different states at once?
Barney
Um, actually, I don't think I want to do that. I'm sorry, I'm gonna go. [leaves her]
So, you didn't sleep with her?
Barney
Nope. I spent the night thinking how everything I've done since Quinn and I broke up has been a cry for help. Dressing up a dog like me, hooking up with all those nannies...
Barney
Nah those are solid.
Barney
I realized that I'm searching. Searching for what I really want in life, and you know what? I have absolutely no idea what that is.
Barney
But I'm going to figure it out. I have to. Good night, guys.
God I feel awful. Barney is going through something big and here I've been obsessing about one stupid final hookup to get him out of my system. He needs space and time to figure this out - and I have to give it to him.
[The gang talks at MacLaren's over Marshall and Lily's parents hooking up.]
Barney
I think you should be happy for them.
What? But why? What is good about this?
Barney
Well, first of all, respect to Mickey. Your mom's a piece - she's no Ted's mom, but she's a piece. Secondly, I mean, it's nice that they found each other. Sometimes, you fall for someone you never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?
I guess none of us ever thought of it that way.
Barney
Next round's on me.
[Robin is still angry over being kept in the dark about her father getting married, but decides to meet him at Pizzazzy's and hear his side]
Barney
Your dad has something to say.
RSRobin Sr
I'm sorry for getting married without consulting you. It was wrong of me.
Barney
There, now Robin-
RSRobin Sr
I know that no mere apology will fix this, and that is why I've asked Carol for a divorce.
Barney
What?
RSRobin Sr
She's heartbroken, understandably. Possibly suicidal -
Barney
I did not tell him.
RSRobin Sr
But if that's the price for my daughter's love, then I will gladly let Carol pay it. Was that not what you wanted?
You want to know what I want? [Robin Sr nods] A normal dad, that's all. I want you to give this blonde guy permission to marry me, come to the wedding, give me away, smile in the pictures, and then dance with me like a normal dad! Is that too much to ask?
[Barney is angry that Ted slept with his half-sister]
Barney
That's my sister, Ted!!
I didn't know! None of us even knew you had a sister until two years ago, including you. It's all a crazy coincidence.
Barney
There are four million women in the city of New York and you had to sleep with my sister. Why would the universe do that to me?
I don't know. It's not like you've treated women in such a way that wouldn't invite karmic retribution.
Barney
You banged my sister, my sweet, little, innocent -
Barney
Really, where? [gets on] Don't answer that!! Now I know why I felt everything that you did to her last night. It wasn't a Bro-nection - it was a Sis-nection. Oh my God, Ted did you... [whispers in Ted's ear]
Barney
Nice, high-five [high-fives Ted, but...] No, NO!!!! Retraction Five! [high-fives Ted again and reverses words]
Hey, hey you're the one who begged for a proxy bang - and while we're on the subject of family, I'm pretty sure you banged my mom! Mom beats sister.
Barney
I never banged your mom! [winks]
You just did that winking thing again!
Barney
No I didn't. [winks again]
Fine, let me ask you something - Barney were you a little sore this morning, especially... [whispers in Barney's ear]
Barney
[aghast] Friendship OVER!! [marches out of bar]
[Barney is dejected about his quest to identify the object of Robin's obsession]
Barney
Can't believe it, I'm a total Dahmer.
Yeah, but you're my Dahmer, which makes you a Dobler.
[Barney tries to explain to Robin why the Playbook still exists]
You really think this is just about a book Barney? You lied to me, and if we're gonna be in a marriage and trust each other, you can't lie to me. Ever.
Barney
Really, well that's just great, because in case you haven't noticed, these last eight years, lying is what I do best. [Begins pulling out various magic tricks] I'm a magician, Robin. Misdirection and deceit are my stock and trade. You don't want me to lie to you? Lies are the reason that we're together. Every single thing I did to you to get you to say "Yes" to me on that rooftop - Patrice, the false engagement, everything - it was all utter malarkey, but underneath ... all of those lies is one true thing - one true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world and that's the fact that I love you, and you know that when I say that, I'm not lying.
[Robin confesses to Barney what she did to the couple who wanted to buy the apartment]
Barney
You turned them down?
Yeah, if I ask you to change too many things about yourself, you're not gonna be the man I fell in love with. Turns out I accept and appreciate even the grossest, creepiest, most sociopathic parts of you.
Barney
Sounds like somebody just wrote her vows. [kisses Robin]
I think I'm gonna head home.
Barney
I understand
What, you're not gonna try and stop me?
Barney And how would I try and to stop you?
I don't know , by telling me life is short, and if you ever come across a beautiful, exciting, crazy moment in it you gotta seize it while you can before that moment's gone?
Barney Ted, this moment already is gone. The whole Minnesota Tidal Wawe thing happened five years ago. Its just a memory and the rest of this never happened. Right now, Marshall and Lily are upstairs, trying to get marvin to go back to sleep. Robin and I are trying to decide on a caterer. And you've been sitting here all night, staring at a single ticket to Robots vs. Wrestlers because the rest of us couldn't come out. Look around, Ted. You're all alone.
[Barney is miffed because Ted tried to advise him about Robin's being cool about him looking at other women]
Barney
Oh I see - and you'd know this because you know Robin better than I do? You know what she appreciates better than her own fiance.
I'm just saying if I was getting married in three weeks -
Barney
But you're not getting married in three weeks Ted, I am. Robin's marrying me, not you.
You're right, not my place. Why don't I get the next round.
[ Ralph Macchio enters Barney's apartment.]
RMRalph Macchio
Hey Barney, it's Ralph. Listen, it's my pleasure to-
Barney
NOO!! I hate Ralph Macchio! I hate him, hate him, hate him! He is NOT the Karate Kid! The Karate Kid was William Zabka, star pupil of the Cobra Kai dojo, whom this monster defeated with a cheap, illegal head kick, in the most hauntingly tragic film ending of all time.
RMRalph Macchio
[To Lily] Oh, I thought you meant "fun" crazy.
[Robin has confronted Barney on bailing over dinner with his mom]
I just tore your mom away from a living version of a Nick Nolte mugshot and put her in a cab home. Thank you for abandoning me on what has been one of the worst nights of my life.
[approaches Barney] So it's my usual fee, plus I always charge an extra hundred for girl-on-clown action.
What the hell is she doing here?
Barney
Robin I swear, nothing happened.
RMRalph Macchio
That means it's just hand stuff.
Barney
[tries to break up Robin and Quinn] Stop, stop, stop!
Sorry. Barney, this is unforgivable. [takes off and throws ring back at him] It's over. [leaves]
[picks up ring] You know, I never got to do that. [throws ring at him and leaves]
[Ted and The Mother meet at McLaren's over a wedding matter]
Did you wire the down payment to the castle guy? [to Barney] I got a castle guy.
Barney
I've got, like, three castle guys. And a moat guy.
So I didn't wire the payment because I don't think we can get married in September.
Because, when I do get married, I kind of want to fit in my dress. [makes belt motion around waist]
Why wouldn't you f - [catches on that The Mother is pregnant] No!!
[Barney sees the baby girl he sired with No 31 from The Perfect Month]
NNurse
This is Ellie. [hands baby to Barney] I'll give you guys a minute. [leaves]
Barney
[teary-eyed at seeing his daughter] You are the love of my life. Everything I have, and everything I am... is yours [nearly breaks down] Forever. [kisses baby]
How I Met Your Mother · 439 quotes
